autumne reflections

couldn't even make it to 100

2008-08-04T21:10:00.000-05:00

This is my 94th post on Blogger, and potentially my last. After getting acquainted with WordPress for work, I think I'm going to move my blog over there for a while, so PLEASE UPDATE YOUR LINKS (if you have them, which you probably don't, but make one so you don't lose track of me)!!

New address: http://autumne.wordpress.com

kayaks, snakes - Phase I complete

2008-08-03T15:55:00.000-05:00

Taking a break in the midst of a lovely Sunday. I just need to revel momentarily in what a good day it's been - and hope it will continue to be.

This morning, I got up at my usual weekday time and accompanied my landlady and her friend to Meeman-Shelby Forest State Park for a guided kayak tour of Poplar Tree Lake. My landlady's friend and I were in a tandem boat that they'd rented for the weekend from the University of Tennessee (where my landlady works). We ended up in a tour group with several canoes of young people. And you know they were splashing each other with their paddles and trying to flip each other over. I realized I never did that as a kid - I was too paranoid about drowning. :) Our tour guide was nice, but I can't imagine piloting a canoe alone would be any fun, especially when you're leading people who care nothing about the difference between a green heron and a great blue. It was a pretty easy trip and lasted a couple hours.

Afterward, we went into the nature center to cool off, and I got to hold their speckled king snake!! Oh man, I forgot how much I miss taking care of snakes. I never want to own one - you know that weird rep people get when they have pet snakes, carrying them around all the time, slowly starting to look more and more like them... well, you know - but I'd love to be able to hold them from time to time. It's soothing. And I totally found myself rocking it like a baby, which was weird, but interesting. Perhaps there's a maternal instinct in there somewhere? Hah.

Anyway, we also watched part of the raptor show out back. Saw a great horned owl (who hated the interpreter) and two red-tailed hawks. Drove around the park after that, saw the Mississippi River complete with whitecaps and floating debris, ate our sandwiches at a picnic table covered in lichens, visited a cute little general store and then headed back to the city. We sang along with some great mix CDs from the '80s and '90s on the way. Got to see a little of the UT campus when returning the tandem, and then took a trip along Mud Island. I cannot get over that place. It's exactly one stone's throw from the seediest areas of Memphis. If they are not overridden with crime now, they will be soon enough. But, of course, they live in their own little bubble out there, with rows and rows of identical island-style houses, painted various sherbet shades with almost no front yard. It was nice in theory, but I wasn't too impressed. I do hope Patrick likes living out there though.

Now I'm getting ready to head over to RP's house for some grilled salmon and possibly a movie. There was mention of the evening service at his church, but the more he talks, the less I think he's planning to do that. He already went to a service this morning, but since I'd been wanting to try it out, he said we could go. Maybe another weekend.

All right, off to finish getting ready to leave. I hope everyone is having a great weekend. :)

random concerts & revelations

2008-08-01T23:15:00.003-05:00

Last week, my landlady mentioned an upcoming concert at Hope Church, where Patrick and I attended evening service this past Sunday. It was one of five or six installments in their Summer Concert Series. If I had heard about it earlier, I totally would've been there sooner - I missed Matthew West and Sara Groves in June, which I imagine was an awesome show. This time it was going to be Bebo Norman and Ginny Owens, both of whom I was familiar with at least in name, but I couldn't necessarily match them with their songs.

Well, my landlady and her visiting friend had already purchased tickets, but I decided to tag along, just in case I could get a seat near theirs. It just happened that the next seat in their row was open, so we were all able to sit together. And the concert was fantastic from beginning to end. Probably the best one I've ever attended.

I didn't know Ginny Owens was blind. It was immediately apparent when she walked out on stage, so I guess I haven't seen her in anything but still shots, if that. She's a beautiful piano player, though, and her voice is amazing. She sounds and looks quite a bit like Alison Krauss, actually. Her part of the show was just her and the piano. And she did a funny little bit about lyrics that don't make sense, how she listens to anything and everything on her iPod and has to laugh when she comes across songs with lyrics that are confusing or otherwise seemingly meaningless. One of her examples was that, "Shorty, you're my angel, you're my darling angel; Closer than my peeps you are to me...," song. So funny, especially to hear her sing it.

Bebo Norman and his bandmate, Gabe, were extraordinary as well. They played only one song I recognized, but the others were all just as good. Gabe played a whole host of instruments - acoustic guitar, piano, steel guitar, accordion and the hammered dulcimer, which was really cool - and harmonized well with Bebo. They told a hilarious story about the fact that they have acrylic nails put on their right hands to aid in their playing, rather than using a pick or other fingertip gadgets. They go to the nail salon together while they're on the road. :)

Overall, I think the best part of this concert was a mini revelation on my part. I've always had a little grudge against live music: No matter how cool anyone said it was, I never could understand the draw of paying way more money than to buy a CD (which you get to keep) to go sit in a crowded place, too far from the stage to actually feel like you're face to face with the artist and hear songs you don't know or familiar songs sung differently and played at different tempos so you can't even sing along. :P I have felt that way most of my life.

However, I have realized it's different with this kind of music. Most of the time, especially with country music and anything particularly "popular," I base my assessment on how it sounds and how easy it is to sing along. With contemporary Christian music, the lyrics matter more. So I've finally found an arena in which I am OK with hearing new music and familiar music with a new beat. I noticed tonight it took me several beats longer to realize I recognized Ginny's songs. She played about four that I knew, but not realizing right away that I knew them gave me a chance to listen harder to the lyrics. Not having a recognizable beat from the radio gave the song a whole different feel. And not having a backup band with way too much volume meant that I could clearly hear and understand every word she said. Both parts of the show had this effect. It was like I finally stopped hating concerts tonight. :)

Other news... Worked way too much today, but it was good. Went to a new place for lunch. Laughed a lot. Made it a few steps farther with the blog project for work - hoping to have a template at least 95% done by Monday morning. I may be going on a guided kayak tour on Sunday with my landlady and her friend. Not sure if it will happen, or if I will feel like it that day, or if I will opt to go to RP's church instead, but we'll see. Have to make it through Saturday first...

shameless promotion

2008-08-01T14:45:00.000-05:00

Be Ready - It's Coming! Sept. 1 at http://openingday.ducks.org. Go there now to see the awesome work of our video and Web departments. Thoroughly impressive, I gotta say. :)

energy waning

2008-07-30T21:15:00.000-05:00

Forgive me if this comes out jumbled and lackluster - I decided it would be a good idea to get up at 5:30 this morning instead of 6:30, so after a long day at work and a heavy sweat at the gym, I am just about ready to cuddle up under the covers with Transcending CSS.

Today was a good day. I got to work around 6:40 and took a walk around the wetland behind our office. I saw a couple lovely herons, and several sunbathing turtles *bloop*'d into the water when I walked by. I got to the foot bridge on the other side of the building before almost running into a giant spider web strung between trees. So I turned back and got to my car again around 7, just in time to go in and get to breakfast and work. Vanilla yogurt, blueberries, strawberries and granola make for a perfect morning. :) That, and getting an hour of peaceful work time before the commotion starts for the day.

After work, RP and I messed with the Sept. 1 project site, changing out fonts and generally screwing things up. It was fun. :) Then I powered through 45 minutes on the elliptical while reading a 48-page whitepaper about landing pages and conversion rates. Kept me distracted for the majority of my cardio.

I was thinking recently how lucky I am to be able to appreciate the teeny-tiny quirks of the world. There are so many people out there focused on the bigger picture and distracted by the worries of their lives that they miss just how funny, special and important the little things really are. I find myself laughing quietly a lot of the time. And sweet moments can pull me through entire days that would be otherwise trying. As mentioned in the post about The Unbearable Lightness of Being, I really appreciate coincidences in everyday life that make us think something really cool is happening behind the scenes. Even if it's not, I can still smile when I hear a certain song at just the right moment or get a chill when a memory hits me.

Also, I was reintroduced to Pandora today. RP mentioned it and sent me three of his stations, so now I'm going to use it every day. I forgot just how cool it was. I think I created at least five new stations today. :)

All right, my eyes are getting tired of the glare. I think it's time for some CSS and slumber. Have a good one, kidlets.

morning entertainment

2008-07-30T09:15:00.001-05:00

It doesn't offer any answers, but the video itself is pretty impressive... Give it a watch if you have 4 minutes.

blogging obsession invades workplace

2008-07-28T12:30:00.002-05:00

*start nerd talk*

I'm spending a good portion of the day researching WordPress. We're planning to have a hunting-centric blog in conjunction with our upcoming DU web initiative (coming Sept. 1 - watch for it!). It's going to have multiple contributors (mostly from our magazine staff) and cover a wide variety of topics from hunting gear to decoys to dogs to stories, memories and traditions from the field. We'd considered hosting it within our current blogging interface (which is home to Checkett Out, written by our in-house communications biologist), but the system is fairly rigid and a little outdated, so third-party seems to be the way to go.

If anyone has thoughts on better platforms than WordPress, feel free to suggest them. But I've heard so many rave reviews - and so little about any of the other options - that it just seems like the way to go. It's highly customizable, has a great catalog of plugins and special features and has a good track record for stability and support.

I signed up for a free webinar that's being held tomorrow at 5 p.m. CDT. Apparently they're held fairly regularly and involve chat sessions/Q&As with WordPress pros. It's hosted by No Blogger Left Behind, so, if you're interested in blogging - especially the technical aspects - you should check it out.

I really wish I were a little farther along in my time here at NHQ. I think about this blog project and want to step up into some sort of lead role on it. I hadn't considered how involved it would be back when we thought our current system would handle it and the writers would just access the content management system, copy/paste from Word and click "Publish." But now that we're delving into third-party management, there's going to be more to design, implement, oversee, manage and troubleshoot. Basically, if I want to show my worth, I need to learn everything I can about WordPress, designing themes/templates, hooking up all the plugins we will need, maintaining the blog and comments, etc. I just hope I can do most of that secondhand, since we don't have anything established at this point for me to experiment. I need to be quiet and quick - ninja-like, if you will - in my learning process.

*end nerd talk*

Saturday was a good day. I got up early and got to hit the Memphis streets before very much of the populace had risen from their beds. I love driving early in the morning, passing sleeping houses, wandering cats and dewy front yards. It's so peaceful. The dim light casts this hue on the world that makes it feel safe and cozy, like you are the only one around and everyone else is snuggled under the covers with their loved ones, catching their last few moments of a spectacular dream. You feel like you're getting a unique view on the world before anyone else has a chance to see it.

(A related aside: I haven't directly mentioned my new coworker friend in this blog as of yet. I've been trying to gauge the level of privacy with which to address our friendship. And while I've gotten away from using initials over the years, I think I will reinitiate that practice for him - RP. RP is in my department at NHQ and is a really nice guy.) I went over to his house the Saturday before last just to hang out on the deck with him and his dog, Syd. She is such a sweetheart - yet another great example of how I get along better with animals than people. :) I met up with them again this weekend, and while Syd had to stay home for part of the day, we spent most of the afternoon and evening with her.

Saturday's breakfast was from the local Blue Plate Café, over on Poplar. The restaurant is a revamped home painted a calming shade of yellow and adorned with paintings from local artists. I was especially impressed by the animal paintings hanging in the entryway. I had to stand there for a couple minutes and look at the brush strokes and layers of color - so beautiful. The Blue Plate menu is printed on the inside spread of a mini newspaper that also boasts famous quotations and the history of the restaurant. While they had an impressive selection of foods that would thoroughly clog my arteries for the day, the promise of a good steak was still on the horizon for the evening, so breakfast needed to be light. I ended up choosing the only item under the "Health Nut" category: a bowl of vanilla yogurt, granola, strawberries, banana, cantaloupe and honeydew melon. I was going out on a limb considering my general dislike of all things banana and melon, but it was delicious and just perfect for that time of day. I was full by the time I scooped up the last strawberry slice. RP's potatoes were a little too greasy and his fruit not as fresh as mine, but at least I came away with a positive impression of the place.

He was kind enough to drive me through Midtown and into downtown Memphis after that. We saw the Pyramid (the now-abandoned former home of the Memphis Grizzlies), the Peabody, the Mississippi River, Beale Street from both ends, Tom Lee Park, etc. Luckily, it was still early in the day, so the homeless people were still asleep in the parks and the traffic was minimal. We drove past the St. Jude campus as well, which I hadn't realized was based here. Then it was off to the Memphis Zoo.

The zoo was great. I wasn't sure I'd be impressed, even though the only zoos I've experienced to date are Toledo, Binder Park, Detroit & parts of Potter Park. But I really was. The cages were designed differently, so I felt as though we were able to get a closer look at the big cats (especially the snow leopards and lions) than I have at other zoos. Once the clouds parted and the sun came out, the temperature and humidity were staggering, so we took advantage of as many indoor attractions as possible. I brought along two frozen water bottles, so we made it through without having to purchase $3-4 beverages. I think my favorite part probably was the Animals of the Night building. It was bigger than others I'd seen, and the cooler temperatures and more appropriate living conditions meant more activity on the part of the animals. There were several varieties of Loris (which kept me thinking of the Lorax the entire time), a big bat cave, armadillos, anteaters, etc. And I actually allowed myself to like monkeys momentarily in the China exhibit! I think they must've been the White-Cheeked Gibbons. We were amazed by their agility and smooth acrobatics.

The rest of the day consisted of more sightseeing, a great grocery store, some delicious ribeye steak and veggies, a failed attempt at going to see "Dark Knight," my fruit/cake/Reddi-Whip dessert and a successful attempt at watching "My Cousin Vinny," which I really liked. I also got to cuddle with Syd for a little while during the movie, so that was the perfect way to end the evening. :)

Sundays are my least favorite days, but what started out poor ended up much better. After the gym and a stop at Kroger for vanilla yogurt and fiber granola bars, Patrick and I went to the evening service at the nearby Hope Presbyterian Church, on Walnut Grove. My landlady had suggested going to a concert there next Friday - Bebo Norman & Ginny Owens - so I thought I'd check out the place beforehand. The evening service is called The Stirring - here's how they describe it on their website:

The Stirring is a worship experience that seeks to recapture the greatest aspect of the Church - its willingness to interact with culture, dwell in it and understand it, earning the right to speak to it and influence it (where needed).

The atmosphere was almost identical to Riverview, with the coffeehouse in the lobby and the flexible dress code, and they even went a step further by having round tables in the front section of the sanctuary instead of just the rows of chairs. However, the crowd was much smaller than any Riv service I ever attended, so I'm not sure it would've been a practical setup there. The pastor was young and spoke about the power of language and the fact that we need to recognize our responsibility to use our words for good. He said that language has the ability to both build up and tear down, give life and kill, so we need to choose the former on both counts, encourage others instead of hurting them, remind ourselves that though email is simple and gives us the ability to hide behind monitors and miles, hitting "Send" changes things. Words are permanent even after emails are deleted. It's something that I've taken for granted my whole life, so I hope to be more aware of it from now on.

Well, it's taken me my entire lunch hour to compose this post, so I should stop here. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. Enjoy your week!

friday

2008-07-25T12:50:00.001-05:00

I'm snacking on a cheese pizza from Domino's right now. Apparently they decided to randomly show up in our lobby today and distribute one-topping mediums for $5. Pretty cool. I don't need to eat pizza, by any means, but since most of the department disappeared for their own lunch rendezvouses, what's a girl to do?

I was brought some nice "happy birthday" tokens this morning from my former boss. Please ignore the fact that my birthday is next month, because it was awfully sweet of her. She brought me a fancy, chocolatey, frozen Starbucks beverage that made me a little sick halfway through, a bag of dark chocolate peanut M&Ms and a card signed by most of my old officemates. So cute... Even Zeke the dog "signed" it.

(Ha - my former boss just came by, so I was able to share the meat-free pizza with her. She was stuck with a coleslaw sandwich from their conference catering. Thank goodness for random pizza events!)

I am so distracted today. I have spent time on wikihow, random Yahoo! Answers pages and Digg.

Holy crap! I just used the WayBack Machine to see if I could find shots of my old Geocities blog, Groovy Guava - they're totally out there! Look! Oh man, that takes me back... Even one of the archive pages is accessible. And I was linking to just about every classmates' blog at the time - even people I never talked to at the time, like Tod, the Strahlers, Eric Lixey, etc. Wow. I can finally reread my "Wheel of Fortune" rant again (second on the page - may want to increase font size on your browser)...

So, regarding my most recent post, I'm going to the Memphis Zoo on Saturday. I looked at their exhibits online and started getting really excited about it. Apparently there may even be a Mandarin Duck or two! I've never seen one in real life, so that will be great. I just hope that getting there when it opens (9 a.m.) will give us long enough to see a few critters before the heat sets in.

OK, I totally can't stop mimicking my writing style in 2002. It's funny how I actually sounded more confident and exuberant back then - probably because it was before I realized no one actually cared about my life. :) I was all, "Go see 'Minority Report'!," and, "Society is superficial - educate yourself, people!" Hi-larious.

All right, back to work. I still don't know what happened to the rest of my department. Makes me want to go home early, but I know I won't. My landlady is having a small get-together tonight to celebrate the end of a workshop they've been having this week. Apparently she may be grilling peaches, which I would like to observe as a potential dessert idea for tomorrow night. Have a good weekend, friends!

weekend

2008-07-24T23:10:00.003-05:00

Hooray for plans to go to the zoo on Saturday. How exciting! :) I just hope Mother Nature decides to spare us the 97 degrees that's forecast... We won't see a single animal in that kind of heat.

thank you for being a friend

2008-07-24T13:10:00.003-05:00

As some of you know, Estelle Getty passed away recently. She played the incorrigible and hilarious Sophia Petrillo on "The Golden Girls." RIP Estelle - you'll be missed.

Second reason for today's subject line is because, in a very fortunate turn of events, I've managed to acquire a ride both to and from the Memphis airport for my trip home on Labor Day weekend. I'd been nervous about that aspect of the plan, as I know so few people here and it will be a holiday weekend, but it ended up being much easier than I thought. The new human friend I mentioned in Saturday night's Twitter tweet offered to take me both ways. I booked the flights today and will be in Michigan from about 1 p.m. on Friday, Aug. 29, until about 7 p.m. on Tuesday, Sept. 2. My mom's planning a we're-glad-you're-home/happy-belated-birthday family get-together for some time that weekend. And I'm hoping to see Mandy & Carla on Monday. Maybe get over to the old office either Friday afternoon or Tuesday morning. Hooray for home!

Minimal news to share aside from that... Kristin and Tina from GLARO paid me a visit this morning and gave me a good laugh over hooking up with "stupid southern boys." =)

Oh! I do have one story to share that isn't really mine to tell. I've already told a couple people, but it's just too funny not to spread around some more...

My roommate, Patrick, told me his mom went up to Pennsylvania last weekend to visit family. One of her cousins owns a boa constrictor that she absolutely adores ... to the point that it sleeps in her bed! I guess she noticed recently that the snake had stopped eating, and one night, it started to straighten out next to her in bed, getting all rigid. Concerned, she took the snake to the vet the next day, and after examining the boa, the vet told her she either needed to have it put down, or he would have animal control take it from her possession. Apparently, the snake's actions meant it was sizing her up to eat her! It was seeing whether it was long enough, and making more room by not eating anything else. Creepy, right? Oh, man.

All right, back to work for me. Hope everyone's having a good week!

Edit: I finally remembered what it was I was planning to post about. My fatness. I am trying so hard to be patient, as I know it took 8+ months at the Chelsea Wellness Center to get in shape last year, and I've been going to Anytime Fitness just under 2 months now. I just feel like I've been working a lot harder than I did last year. I'm trying to keep in mind that the first time is easiest - that each successive time you try to lose the weight, it's going to be more difficult. But I also fear that I'm now to that "old" phase where it's going to be impossible to drop the fat from my belly, the underside of my arms, my butt. It makes me hyperventilate a little, looking at myself in the mirror, trying to suck it in and sit up straight at the office. I know I look better than I did in high school, in college, but I don't feel like I look good. I have no one to attract or impress, but looking bad makes me feel unhealthy overall and like I'm not doing enough to improve myself. I keep considering cutting beef out of my diet, or at least out of the diet I can control - i.e., I won't buy it, but if someone grills me a steak, I'm not going to scream and run - but I haven't taken that step yet. I don't cook with butter or oil as it is, but I do eat foods that contain more fat than I should be taking in on a daily basis. Even a bagel. Or a pasta dish. I need to figure out a way to cut the fat.

I fear working myself too hard though. I've been talking with Patrick (whose undergrad degree is in Exercise Science) about why I'm feeling so fatigued some days at the gym. He suggested two options: 1) Use a different cardio machine, or 2) Go every other day instead of 3 days on, 1 day off, 3 days on (which usually ends up being 2 days on, because I'm too exhausted to do the third). He also suggested eating a piece of fruit or some yogurt a little while before leaving for the gym, so I get a bit of an energy boost without overdoing it. Simple sugars to get me going, keep me from burning off too much of the good stuff I have stored up.

So I need to start implementing those things. The fruit and the cardio switch-up at least. I'm not sure how easy it will be to do the every-other-day schedule, just because my attendance is often based on my energy level, which is affected by things other than working out - not getting enough sleep, not sleeping well, etc. But I do need to get some variety going, so my body doesn't just start rejecting the work I'm trying to do. I would hate to find out I've been wasting time and energy on a workout program that's not accomplishing nearly as much as it could with a little diversity.

Sigh. Health and wellness are tough. Especially when you're starting from 0.

mental/cardiovascular discomfort

2008-07-22T15:05:00.003-05:00

My lunch gave me intense heartburn. Stupid fat-laden ground beef! One of those moments I consider swearing off meat. Then I remember how much I love it and know I wouldn't last more than a week as a vegetarian. Besides, it's because I didn't drain the fat properly. Lesson learned: Flavor isn't worth indigestion.

While I was rubbing my chest, I noted a funny line on the page I was editing. The article is called, "The Fundamentals of Blind Retrieves" ( or "blinds" - when a hunting dog retrieves a bird that he/she didn't see fall). The wording of the following excerpt makes me wonder whether blind retrieves may be equated with Paganism... (emphasis mine)

Successful blinds are mutual victories for both the dog and the handler, and the achievement will likely mark the pentacle of the overall training experience.

The mention of "pentacle" also reminds me of the time I made Christmas cookies for the family last December. I spent hours and hours decorating unique cookies of every shape and carefully carried them home from East Lansing. Result? Being mocked by my brother-in-law about having made a pentagram cookie for my sister. Apparently he knew I'd made fun of their semi-Pagan ways ("What did you get for Solstice, Melissa?"), or was implying that my churchgoing automatically made their rejection of customary holidays distasteful to me. I kept saying, "No, it's just a star...," but he would have none of it. He mentioned it to every new person to enter the room. At the end of the visit, he asked if they should take home their pentagram cookie. Sigh.

wordle

2008-07-22T10:15:00.001-05:00

You all should definitely check this out: wordle.net. You can take any block of text or any blog and create a snazzy word cloud.

Here's one I made from that tree metaphor two days ago:

seeking help

2008-07-21T21:05:00.001-05:00

I think now is the perfect time for self improvement. I have gone through almost 24 years of my life having so many goals, dreams and wishes for myself, but it seems as though the best things have come and gone. I still have great friends, for whom I count my blessings daily. I have a mother who cares about me unconditionally and is like a friend herself. And now I have an amazing job that lets me exercise my skills, learn new things, do almost exactly what I've been wanting to do for the past few years.

But what I'm finding is that these great things are all distractions. Take the word "distraction" and strip out all negative connotations. You with me? I'm talking about the most positive and wonderful of distractions. They are the things that buoy me when I'm feeling lowest, most defeated or exhausted. Talking to Carla on the phone at lunch today kept me smiling long after I'd hung up. Completing tasks at the office gave me a sense of pride, accomplishment, fulfillment. Planning a trip home in the coming months, looking forward to my former boss's visit and a handful of other small joys gave me that last push that I needed to make it through my day effortlessly.

I am lucky to have these distractions. There are people who aren't so lucky, who are downtrodden to the very brink of suicide or other self harm. I am so fortunate not to be there anymore. I have always had the distractions, even in my darkest hours, but it hasn't been until very recently that I've recognized their value. I finally see that this is what makes a person's life complete. These are the people and the things that keep us afloat in what can often be a frightening, frustrating, difficult world. Some people sail through without needing to recognize the value in their small joys and triumphs - more power to them. But for those of us who hurt, doubt and undermine our own happiness, we must dig deeper, work harder and sweat more to find the light.

So, once you've found the light, what next? I feel a little precarious trying to move forward at this point, having only recently grasped this piece of the puzzle. But I feel the need to press on, to keep up my momentum before the doldrums catch up with me. Now I must build on the distractions. I must find a way to take the joy that they bring me and infuse the central element of my life with it. Allow me to demonstrate:

Figure 1. Life in the dark, occasionally lit by distractions but mostly just withering on the vine.

Figure 2. Distractions have been absorbed into Life and one unit has been created. This unit glows fiercely with the joys brought in by the Distractions.

Forgive me for the badly drawn MS Paint diagrams. I don't have Photoshop on this computer.

So, that is my next step. To either rip apart my life enough to give the distractions a way in or tug on them hard enough to pull them through life's outer shell. I think the former will be easier. Or at least it will be a more thorough approach. Because then the old life will be dissected and deconstructed. I will recognize more things about it than I have before, and I will learn how to improve on the areas that I choose to leave behind. If I leave it whole and pull hard on the distractions, they may never make it in, I may find I'm too weak to complete the task or life may eventually reject them and spit them out into the darkness again, leaving me even more vulnerable than before.

I think this process will involve a combination of good friends, loving family, self reflection/writing/learning and professional assistance. What better time than the present? I'm starting by opening this book on JavaScript. Then I'm quitting my second job. Then I'm spending time with Kristin later in the week, hopefully having a fun and interesting weekend, cuddling with some lonely dogs and cats, going to the gym, proving my worth at the office, letting my mom know I'll be home at the end of August, looking forward to my approaching 24th birthday, keeping in better touch with my friends and appreciating every lovely thing that has been thrown my way in life.

I've always held the number 24 near and dear to my heart. It's always been my favorite, for no apparent reason at all. I know all my problems won't be solved by this August 26, but my hope is that the year that begins then will be the best year. That the 24th year of my life will mark a transition into a more well developed, self actuated, happy, fulfilled, motivated and complete individual. I'm ready for that next step.

trip home

2008-07-21T15:25:00.001-05:00

For all those interested: I will be coming home on Labor Day weekend! I will be arriving sometime on Friday and leaving early Tuesday morning. It's not a long trip by any means, but it will give me a chance to see friends and family in one fell swoop. Hooray!

metaphorical self reflection

2008-07-20T21:45:00.002-05:00

This appeared as a paragraph in a rather long-winded email I wrote to a close friend today. It is a metaphor that really does illustrate the way many things in my life go. The context of the email was my romantic relationships, but I think it applies to more than just that...

I fear I am always going to be afflicted by fickleness and shallowness and the inability to see the forest for the trees. I see this one attractive tree and I miss the forest beyond. Not only that, but I miss the details of that tree - the importance of every branch and leaf - because I'm immediately struck by its overt beauty and overall irresistible nature. Now, though, I've encountered so many trees that I've fallen for within seconds that their beauty runs together and loses meaning. I'm getting dizzy from all the spinning I've been doing in the forest. I don't want to care about the trees anymore. I want to just take a walk on my own and not notice them. Or at least not get overwhelmed by them. See the trees in bunches - as one leafy expanse - and appreciate their beauty from afar. Respect it instead of obsessing about it. Feel confident in my ability to walk by the trees and resist their charms. Otherwise I will start climbing. I will climb faster and faster before I realize just how far up I am, just how helpless I've become. I'll depend on the tree to hold me up, to keep me (and my feelings) safe, but more often than not, the tree (or the illusion of the tree that I've created in my mind by assuming someone wished to hold me in the first place) will bend and snap off, sending me tumbling to the ground, leaving me hurt, bewildered and disappointed. I'll try to blame the tree for being brittle or unreliable, but it's really my fault. I should either stop climbing trees altogether or learn to climb them more slowly, to test the branches and the sturdiness of the trunk. To make sure the tree is ready for my weight before I lean on it too heavily. And if it's not, to climb down just as carefully and continue my walk in the woods.

books & life

2008-07-17T22:05:00.002-05:00

I'm currently reading The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. Apparently it's an international bestseller. And apparently it belongs in the "Classics" section at the local library. After reading about 100 pages, I'd say it's definitely good, but I'm not sure about the classic part. I can't find the Newberry medal anywhere...

Basically, it starts out philosophical, then pulls in the story of Tomas and Tereza, a Czech couple. It talks about their meeting, first from his perspective, then hers. Throughout their relationship, he maintains several mistresses, principal among them Sabina, whose own story comes out later. There is a lot of philosophical reflection on Tomas and Tereza's relationship, how so much of who she is comes from her mother, etc. It's very interesting.

There was one part that I found especially relevant, as it's a thought I've had (though far less eloquently put) as I lose relationships over time:

While people are fairly young and the musical composition of their lives is still in its opening bars, they can go about writing it together and exchange motifs...but if they meet when they are older...their musical compositions are more or less complete, and every motif, every object, every word means something different to each of them.

This statement comes about after Sabina and Tomas's extramarital relations have ended and she's emigrated to Geneva, Switzerland, to escape the Russian occupation of Czechoslovakia. Tomas emigrates, too, but he ends up returning home to be with Tereza in Prague. Anyway, Sabina enters a similar relationship with another married man named Franz, who Sabina tries to find happiness with, but keeps comparing to Tomas and her past life.

At one point, in Franz's presence, she silently puts on a bowler hat and strips down to her undergarments. At first, Franz is intrigued, but her demeanor is different from anything he's seen. The whole scenario is unknown to him. So he begins to squirm and takes the hat from her head. To her, she is reliving a moment with Tomas, one that they shared when she was dressed just that way years before. She is caught up in the memory, the meaning of it, and Franz is simply uncomfortable because of how little it means to him.

There's a much longer section on it in the book itself, but I'll leave it at that for now.

I think about this very thing when my relationships end. I am well aware that people are getting married later in life these days, and in many ways it's for the best, because they are more mature and have had more of a chance to develop their own identities before becoming a single unit with another person. But I still fear that the individuality will be too great, that when I'm 25, 30, 35, I will still be looking for someone, and while there may be someone else out there looking, too, he'll have built up a history, a lifetime of memories that don't involve me. The fear is greater because I have so few memories of my own. I will be keyed up to create new ones with him - but will he be satisfied with only those of his past? Will past relationships have jaded him to the point where he's loath to share so much with another person?

I know this fear is, for the most part, unfounded. And I am young - far too young to be concerned about this. But books tend to overwhelm my senses and suck me in (much like a compelling movie that goes on for days instead of hours), so I find it difficult to ignore when the print echoes my precise thoughts about life. It's quite amazing, really. I leave you with another like-minded excerpt from The Unbearable Lightness of Being:

Our day-to-day life is bombarded with fortuities or, to be more precise, with the accidental meetings of people and events we call coincidences. "Co-incidence" means that two events unexpectedly happen at the same time, they meet: Tomas appears in the hotel restaurant at the same time the radio is playing Beethoven. We do not even notice the great majority of such coincidences. If the seat Tomas occupied had been occupied instead by the local butcher, Tereza never would have noticed that the radio was playing Beethoven...But her nascent love inflamed her sense of beauty, and she would never forget that music. Whenever she heard it, she would be touched. Everything going on around her at that moment would be haloed by the music and take on its beauty.

Early in the novel that Tereza clutched under her arm when she went to visit Tomas [Anna Karenina], Anna meets Vronsky in curious circumstances: they are at the railway station when someone is run over by a train. At the end of the novel, Anna throws herself under a train. This symmetrical composition...may seem quite "novelistic" to you, and I am willing to agree, but only on condition that you refrain from reading such notions as "fictive," "fabricated," and "untrue to life" into the word "novelistic." Because human lives are composed in precisely such a fashion.

They are composed like music. Guided by his sense of beauty, an individual transforms a fortuitous occurrence (Beethoven's music, death under a train) into a motif, which then assumes a permanent place in the composition of the individual's life. Anna could have chosen another way to take her life. But the motif of death and the railway station, unforgettably bound to the birth of love, enticed her in her hour of despair with its dark beauty. Without realizing it, the individual composes his life according to the laws of beauty even in times of greatest distress.

It is wrong, then, to chide the novel for being fascinated by mysterious coincidences...but it is right to chide man for being blind to such coincidences in his daily life. For he thereby deprives his life of a dimension of beauty.

on the trail of the cow killer

2008-07-15T22:00:00.003-05:00

I followed one of these around in the parking lot after work today. The orange/red color was so vivid, I couldn't rest until I got a good look at it. I wanted to capture it and show people, but now that I've read up on the Velvet Ant (aka, "The Cow Killer"), I'm glad I didn't go after it too vigorously!

You can read more here: http://lancaster.unl.edu/pest/resources/cowkiller.shtml

muddled thoughts

2008-07-15T20:20:00.001-05:00

I've spent the past couple of days a befuddled, anxious, hopeless wreck. And I have no idea why. I've tried numerous times to calm myself down and put things in perspective, but so far, it hasn't worked. It started with being sad about Tod, but then my psyche took the sadness in 20 different directions. Now I'm stuck being pulled around by all these negative thoughts and emotions. I can't concentrate on one for more than a minute before being whisked away by another, to an even darker, more desperate place.

Having had momentary hope that I may have been able to leave the shadows of depression behind, this is especially hard for me to face. I guess I have been so distracted by lifestyle, location and job changes that I haven't allowed myself to revert to the despairing creature I was before. It's so tough being her. I feel utterly without hope or purpose again. It makes me so upset! Nothing was taken from me, nothing changed, and yet I'm incapable of picking myself up and continuing to move forward. I really need to seek out a counselor.

I've been thinking about blogging lately. Well, more about Web programming in general, but blogging has been a major component, since it's really my most significant foray into the field outside the office. But it hasn't been significant. I read so many blogs on a daily basis and wish that I could be half as interesting as all those faceless writers, but I'm just not. That fact leaches into my real life as well, so it's frustrating on both levels, but it's easier for me to articulate in terms of the Web, so I'll stick with that for now.

I find it hard to blog about interesting things because blogging is my only outlet. With so few friends and acquaintances, I don't have a daily sounding board. So every single thought and feeling I have ends up here, which wouldn't be interesting to outsiders whatsoever. It's not even interesting to most of the people who know me! Which means I have to become an expert at something and talk only about that and personal things related to that - no more vague coworker stories or random anecdotes about being bitten by shelter dogs. They're not even slightly entertaining, so they need to go.

The problem? I'm not even good at anything, let alone an expert. I've written about this before. I'm good at grammar/spelling, putting content on the Web, occasionally sketching stuff, being quiet, listening to other people talk, connecting with animals and trying to do nice things for people. Am I an expert at any of those things? No (and, for some, it's just not possible to attain valedictorian status). And when I look at the Web, it's all out there already. People blog about every one of those topics. They blog about living green lifestyles, reading good books, dealing with depression - all topics I've considered myself. There's nothing left in this information-saturated world to call my own. Every single topic has not only a contributor but a GREAT contributor, which automatically puts me at the back of the pack, no matter what my route.

I've also been thinking about these things in relation to my work. It wears on me, being the "content girl," the one who says, "This might be neat... can you even do that?" without knowing anything about how a plan comes to fruition via development. I want to understand it all, but I'm afraid my cognitive abilities, my patience and my self-esteem will hold me back. Whenever I get gung-ho about a subject, I try so hard to read up on it, to immerse myself in it, that I end up getting overwhelmed, feeling stupid if anyone finds out I've been trying and giving up before I've mastered a single skill. The back-and-forth runs me a bit ragged, honestly. I just wish I could have a single thought or goal at a time, let it run its course and then move to the next. Instead, I think, "Ooh, let's learn JavaScript!...Wait, I don't get it...No, I'm not trying to learn this...Gosh, I'm stupid...Hey, it would be cool to register a domain and build a real blog!...Wow, this is hard...I should learn to cook Indian food..." That is, quite literally, my life in one long-winded statement.

I spend way too much time alone inside my head. I miss having Tod as a go-to person for my daily strife, and while I know I have friends with voicemail and email, it's just hard to open those doors sometimes. It's easy when someone's already waiting for you, or scheduled to talk to you. I know I don't have that anymore, and I'm not blaming that loss for what's been going on with me since. It's something else in my head that's causing all this drama. I just wish I could pick it out of my gray matter like the nasty, burrowing bug that it is, flick it out onto the pavement and crush it with my giant, size-12 dress sandal.

I don't know what's going to happen in the next few days, weeks and months, but I sure as heck hope it's better than the last two days have been. I believe this period can be best defined as The Suck.

feel like crap

2008-07-14T21:00:00.001-05:00

It's been a rough day, to say the least...

Nutrition

Honey wheat bagel w/ fat-free cream cheese
Iced tea
3 slices of smoked turkey, 2 1-oz. pieces of 2% cheddar cheese, hamburger bun; ~10 pretzels; 1 can of Pepsi One
Tiny container of Dannon Plus strawberry yogurt; maybe 2 oz. of granola (Bear Naked Fruit and Nut)
Amy's BBQ veggie burger; 4 mini crescent rolls; 2 helpings of mashed potatoes; 8 oz. skim milk

Elliptical Trainer

~47 min. (35 min., 2-min. break, 12 min.)
~6.5 miles; ~650 calories
hr: ?

Notes

I have been mentally and physically lacking today. I started out tired and had several verge-of-tears moments at work. I was still feeling bad mentally upon leaving the office, but was physically OK, so I went to the gym. I made it about 35 min. on the elliptical before I was too tired to continue. I got off and sat on the back for about 2 min, caught my breath and tried again, intending to do another 25 min. Managed 12 before I felt like I was going to pass out. What is my problem?? It just doesn't make sense. I hope I'm not getting sick. =( I think I'll go to bed early and skip the other job for tonight.

The best part of the day was probably eating dinner with my landlady, her friend and Patrick. My landlady's friend talked about her physical therapy work and how she ended up in PT school at age 39. It was interesting and funny. I also got to talk to Carla on the phone for a little bit, which helped. Otherwise... it just wasn't my day.

breakthrough

2008-07-14T16:00:00.001-05:00

Granola makes yogurt tolerable! I can finally start getting my healthy microorganisms on a regular basis. Huzzah!

wax and wane

2008-07-13T22:20:00.000-05:00

The crappy feelings have come and go this weekend. The combination of being alone and not having a set schedule was difficult. I always find it hard to stay motivated and active when I don't have my eight-hours-at-work-and-too-much-to-do-every-night agenda. I know I could write out a plan for my weekend, but since I don't have to do it, I know I won't stick to it. Besides, I know I need a little bit of a break from the routine, a few extra minutes in bed, another hour of TV, etc. But this weekend I think it was both a mental health improvement and detriment, for obvious reasons.

My landlady and her Florida friend are here now. They got in yesterday afternoon and spent most of today tending to the yard and flower beds, weeding, fertilizing, edging, etc. We had some lemony fish, spinach salad and sweet corn for dinner. It was nice, though I did go to the grocery store today, so there were food options aplenty for once. The fridge is overflowing already, as I predicted, so we'll see how that goes once Patrick's back and needing to go shopping again. =P He should be getting home soon.

I've been tired and headachy today. Not sure why. I woke up planning to try out a church I drive by every day on the way to the gym. But I didn't roll out of bed 9:30, and wouldn't have been there by 11. So I thought about going to an evening service at a different church. But then my landlady mentioned dinner, so... no church for me. =P Maybe next week. At least I have a couple prospects on the list now.

I've been trying to watch "Fun with Dick and Jane" today, but I keep missing parts. Now it's getting late and I probably won't be able to stay up for the end (the part I'm lacking). Oh well. Back to work tomorrow - the routine will help my mood, perhaps. We'll see. Hope everyone had a good weekend.

new motivation?

2008-07-13T18:05:00.002-05:00

I think I'm going to post my exercise activity every day for a little while, maybe my food diary too. I've tried it in the past, but since I've been so loath to update the past couple months, I figure this will at least get me on Blogger. Then maybe the mood to write will strike me while I'm here. We can always hope...

Nutrition (or lack thereof)

*4 small pancakes (3 w/ Craisins inside); 3 sausage links; 4 oz. orange juice

*Lots o' water

*1 Amy's BBQ veggie burger on bun; handful of reduced-fat white cheddar Cheez-Its; 1 can Pepsi One on ice

*1 piece of Trident Blueberry something-or-other gum

Elliptical Trainer

45 minutes
6.70 miles; 666 calories (estimates - do not believe them!)
hr: ~178 bpm (loose average - this machine had a finicky monitor); the chart says to aim for 168 for cardio, so I'm definitely there

Resistance Training

*Seated leg curls: 3 sets of 10; 55 lbs.

*Quads: 3 sets of 10; 50 lbs.

*Triceps: 3 sets of 10; 50 lbs.

*Biceps: 3 sets of 10; 40 lbs.

*Crunches: 3 sets of 10

*Lat pulldowns: 3 sets of 10; 60 lbs.

Notes

I've decided it might be a good idea to decrease my weight and go for 3 sets instead of 2. Today was a lazy day, and I was distracted by two obnoxious goons that wandered in while I was there, so I did sets of 10 instead of 12. The distraction slowed me down and I ended up getting too chilly because of the A/C and sweat, so I gave up before I should have. Time to go blow up my exercise ball...

cinderelly, cinderelly

2008-07-11T22:30:00.001-05:00

I've spent the majority of the evening cleaning up the common areas of the house in preparation for my landlady's return tomorrow. Patrick went to Atlanta again for a family friend's wedding, so I'm on my own to welcome the weary traveler and her friend from Florida (who will be staying here and visiting for a while - not sure how that's going to work). I'm going to be gone most of the day tomorrow, but she said she'd be getting home in the evening, so I'll probably be around by then. I have an early-morning hike at 7, then dog walking from 9ish till 12, then possibly cat socialization in the afternoon. Not sure if I'll do both, mostly because I don't want to freak out the cats by smelling like dogs, but we'll see how it goes.

I've been working hard at the gym lately. I've been pretty proud of my progress and motivation so far. On the days I don't use the weight machines, I've been trying to double up on cardio, so I end up doing just over an hour, or about 9 miles. Then I thought about increasing my regular time on the elliptical, too, just because a half-hour seemed too short for some of the days I half-assed the weights. So I've been doing 45 min before weights. That's ~6.5 miles. Today, I felt really good. I decided to bump up the resistance to level 10 (from the usual 8, which started at 5) just to see if the difference would be noticeable (some of the ellipticals seem sketchy in terms of resistance settings). It definitely was - I was a big sweat ball by the end of the 45 min. But I was still breathing well and at the usual 80-90% heart rate. I was pretty impressed. I'm considering a women's boot camp class that starts Monday. Have to decide sometime this weekend...

All right, I'm too tired to write anything else now. Have to finish laundry and work, then try to get enough sleep to make it through the early hike tomorrow. Ugh. =P Hope everyone has a great weekend.

entertainment tonight

2008-07-10T22:00:00.003-05:00

I found this YouTube video entertaining. I always forget that stat about the ghastly amount of water required to produce 1 lb. of beef - definitely something to think about, especially when I'm looking at 80/20 hamburger that's more than $4/lb...

This video is one of many in the zaproot series, available at youtube.com/zaproot.

le sigh

2008-07-08T08:50:00.001-05:00

For those who haven't noticed on Facebook or heard it personally from one of us, Tod and I broke up last night. It was a perfectly mutual decision, and one that I think was right to make now, when it was still clean and fresh and not sullied by distance, time and frustration. We were still able to laugh when it was over, and I'm going to do my best to keep our friendship alive, even if it's hard. As we both agreed, this was our first adult relationship, and honestly, my first relationship of real value and meaning. That made it harder to end, but it also made it feel so much different from breakups of the past. My eyes are puffy this morning, and I'm still crying off and on, but I know it will get better over time.

Thanks especially to Mandy, Nina and Jen T., who have been offering helpings of advice the past week or two, as I've been mulling over the whole situation and trying to figure out the next steps. I'm not sure if I can whittle everything down into one central reason for breaking up; it's sort of a culmination of several factors that we couldn't ignore.

I know it's going to take me a long time to find someone else who is as special to me as Tod has been for over a year. So much of my everyday life revolved around him that it's like starting all over even though I already started over by moving to Memphis. I'm going to miss so much about him, and about us, that it's going to be a hard road for a while. I'm sure everyone out there understands just what I mean.

I hope I'll be able to keep in touch with the people who have entered my life because of my relationship with Tod. Grand Rapids kids: Don't feel like you have to take me off your Friends list or disassociate yourselves because of this breakup. You're welcome to if you wish, but I hope I'll still be able to talk with you all from time to time, as you've become a part of my life. If you have an extra invite for next summer, Jenny, I'd love to come. And I definitely want to keep reading about everyone's lives online.

Thank you, Tod, for being the first man I've really loved. That's something I'm going to carry with me the rest of my life, no matter where I go or what I do. I hope you will too.

abs, pos miserable

2008-07-07T15:55:00.000-05:00

Today, my name is Woe. Nice to meet you. I really wish I could feel happy for a little while.

I ended up in Atlanta for the weekend. It had its positives and its negatives. Overall, I met some good people and had a nice time. I got to play with four different dogs, hang out with some parents and grandparents and get a little taste of home when I couldn't venture all the way to Michigan. I also drank a lot of cheap beer, which is definitely out of the ordinary for me. I wouldn't put that on the "pro" list for the weekend, but it shows up somewhere.

Now... Well, now I'm just trying to survive and deal. More later.

decisions

2008-07-03T09:40:00.001-05:00

Two things to figure out today:

1] Can I stomach spending $60 to see Alison Krauss and Robert Plant on Mud Island next Tuesday night?

2] Should I cancel on the dogs and accompany my roommate to Atlanta for the weekend?

**Added: 3] Should I house-/cat-/bird-sit for a coworker who's going to be out of town July 24 - 29? There will be pay and a pool. Also, that will provide an avenue for future pool use. And there will be kitties.

I have a feeling [1] will be Yes and [2] will be No, but I'm still up in the air on both. Any thoughts?

making sense

2008-06-29T12:00:00.000-05:00

As mentioned before, I think I finally understand why I'm so enamored with 'tween and teen shows: I was never either one. Sure, I was, by definition, a teenager (tweenager?), but I never really acted like one. I had crushes, but they were from afar - the farthest afar you can imagine - and unrequited pretty much across the board. No one ever had a crush on me. I didn't play sports or get wrapped up in school spirit or rivalries or anything else that counts as "passion" in middle school and high school. I never drank or did drugs, nor was I ever offered either, because even though at the time, I thought I was superior never to have done those things, I also just plain wasn't cool enough to be asked. I was part of youth group, but I was always on the outskirts, one of the shyest people there, one of the few kids not raised in that church, clinging to the only two people I knew for dear life. I never stayed out late, never cruised the town in my friends' cars, never really did anything. I wasted about 80% of my teenage years on the Internet. There was no IRL drama, just the online version. I roleplayed with people who sometimes thought they actually were dwarves or giants, who were actually 45-year-old putzes in their basements, hiding out from their wives or overbearing mothers. I'm pretty sure that's not a normal kid's life.

The other thing about my youth that I think doesn't fit with the picture of what today's kids are like was the structure of my friendships. Maybe it's like this with everyone, so correct me if I'm wrong, but friends always seemed more like the people you tell about your life, that you get advice from and use as sounding boards (and vice versa), but not so much the people around whom your life is shaped. I have no idea how terrible my youth would've been without my friends, so I am by no means discounting their roles in it, but as I've grown, so has my inability to define my life outside myself. That's why so many of my relationships have failed over the years - I've become more and more closed off from the people around me. And I think it started when I was a teenager, when I saw things and experienced things about myself that I felt set me apart from even my closest friends. Not that I was a better person, just a different person, most often a worse person. So, I didn't have all of the friend-induced drama, the social anxiety, the rumors and gossip that I see on these shows. I also had about three friends, not 25. I don't think it's normal for kids to have 25 friends, but I can't help but find it interesting when they do on TV. They can't manage to juggle having that many friends for even one episode, so there's at least one falling out every hour.

I'm not sure if I'm explaining this well. But, basically, I just never felt like I was a kid. I was too shy, too reserved, too focused on parts of myself that could have waited until I was 25 or 30 or beyond. It's good that I was never in a drunk-driving accident or a school shooting or overdosed on speed or got gonorrhea from a skanky male who I went down on in the ravine (all examples from "Degrassi"), but I also never got to experience any of the good things about being a teenager either, most importantly the part about being carefree and young and feeling untouchable. I always feared death and injury and loss. I almost find myself fearing it less now that I'm 23 going on 24 than I did when I was 15 going on 16. That's pretty pathetic.

I'm entertained by the people I never got to meet or be in high school. I know I'll never get to go back and do anything they're doing on television, whether I want to or not. There are many things I would like to do if I could, but I'm trying to get over it. I can blame no one but myself for holding back. It seemed impossible when I was young to try to stick my head in the in crowd and see if those crazy things actually happened. Maybe I never would've gotten to experience all the drama anyway, because I went to a white-bread high school in the upper Midwest. So maybe there's no point in wishing I would've tried. But I still do sometimes.

Back to real life...

mini revelation

2008-06-28T00:10:00.001-05:00

I think I get why I'm so obsessed with 'tween shows. But I'm too tired to write about it, so I'm leaving this here as a note-to-self for later updating...

is it a Canadian obsession? or a 'tween one?

2008-06-27T21:15:00.001-05:00

Ever since I remembered "Degrassi: The Next Generation" was on The N, and ever since I regained access to The N, I have been watching it quite a bit. By "quite a bit," I don't actually mean all that much, since I spend most of my day at work, then a chunk of 1-3 hours at the gym, but still - a lot of the rest of my day. I remember watching "Degrassi Junior High" and "Degrassi High" on CBC back in the day - WAY back in the day - and the new version doesn't disappoint. I just watched an overly dramatic episode, but it really shows how the Canadian kids are either over-the-top goody-two-shoes, or they're total douches. Entertaining, to say the least.

So, how's everyone doing? It's been a while. I'm ashamed to say I have little news to share. No life milestones here. =) But I'm happy for others who have crossed them! I, on the other hand, have been working, working out, sleeping and eating. Tomorrow morning is my first installment of dog walking at the Humane Society. Apparently my roommate decided to take a last-minute roadtrip to Destin, Fla., for the weekend, so I'm on my own for a few days. He was supposed to walk pooches, too, so I'll be one training session up on him. I'm excited to spend time with the doggers!

I've been loving my job. I'm stretching my Photoshop muscles, which is fun, if not exactly what I'm supposed to be spending the majority of my time on. But I'm not skimping on the coding either! Overall, my creativity is pretty limited, but I'm doing the best I can with the given space. We have a big initiative starting soon, and while I wish I had had an opportunity to be a part of the planning and development phases, hopefully I'll be able to shine in the implementation. I've also made some suggestions that I think show my desire to be involved and active. I'll just hope it continues going well. One month down, ?? to go!

My energy levels have fluctuated lately. Seems like I hit rough patches at the same time the past two weeks - somewhere around Tuesday/Wednesday - and I was pretty much unable to do anything for a couple days. I gave my body a break from the gym at those times, but even that and going to bed at 9:30 didn't seem to help as much as I thought it would. But I've been OK the past couple of days, and have been pacing myself at the gym, so I hope to make it through one week on an even keel.

I was pondering the concept of going home sometime. I just don't know when it's going to happen. At this point, I am definitely not in the mood to be in the car for 11 hours, and even though I miss everyone back home, the desire to get there is not stronger than my aversion to the trip. Maybe I'll get over it in July, or my need to see people will overcome it.

All right, back to the Canadian 'tweens! Have a good weekend, kiddos.

dream diary II

2008-06-18T08:10:00.000-05:00

Quick, because it's after 8 already...

Last night I dreamed about my old coworkers. We were at GLARO in Ann Arbor and there was a "river" running right in front of the building. It looked like it had flooded, but our reaction to it indicated the river was there all the time. We were having a get-together (like the big staff meeting), so everyone was there from Maryland and the Northeast. We were taking inflatable tandem kayaks out on the water, but people eventually started losing interest, so single people were going out in two-person boats.

I was having a little trouble, since I was sitting too close to the front, causing the boat to tip forward. But there was another boy out there who was not part of our office group; he was having even more trouble, sitting way up in the nose of the boat, almost vertical in the water. People were calling out helpful tips to him, and we finally managed to get him cornered (the river had rapids) and help him readjust. He was all upset and said that someone had locked him out of the office when he tried to get back in, so he'd been stuck on the river for hours.

He told me about this very tall guy who had sent him out in the boat in the first place. He said he had a beard and dark hair and told him he'd tell the guard at the door to let him back in when he was done on the water. Well, when the boy returned, said tall guy was at the door himself. The boy smiled up at him and gestured to go inside, but the tall guy wouldn't let him. He acted as though he'd never seen him before and left him out on the water, kicking the kayak away from the doorstep.

I eventually realized that the "tall guy" was Kurt, my old cube neighbor. So I set off on a fuming rampage to find him and yell at him for abandoning the scared boy out on the river.

Part II (or I, I can't remember the order) of the dream: There were raccoons at a place where Tod and I were either camping or just hanging out, on a secluded island beach. There were towels already there, but the raccoons kept stealing them and wrapping themselves up in them to keep warm at night. There would be at least 5 raccoons in each towel, and they would squeak in protest if we came and got them first. Then one GIANT raccoon (larger than me) came out and told us the story of the beach raccoons and how cold they get at nighttime, how they're not like normal raccoons, scampering around and living most of their lives after nightfall. So we devised a plan that would allow us to use the towels and them to use our pant legs for sleeping quarters. The raccoons were cute. The giant one was scaly. The end.

dream diary

2008-06-17T08:00:00.000-05:00

As a note: I've managed to get Blogger onto Central Time. Apparently there were two settings areas, so my posts should now reflect the actual CDT now. Hoorah!

So, last night, I dreamed about one of my exes. It was kind of sad, really. Last time I saw him, he was talking about entering the Air Force, which he ended up doing and has been stationed (so far as I know) exclusively in the United States. But in my dream, he'd been shipped overseas at one point to do work there. He'd been in combat, which was odd, since he's on the computer side of things, but they were low on men and needed everyone to participate on the battlefield. Well, he came home and had lost most of his memory. Somehow, he ended up at my mom's house in Michigan and we were talking in the living room. He was like a little kid; like the world was all new and he didn't know anything about it. I asked him if he remembered me, and he said he didn't. This was after at least an hour of talking, all the while I'd been assuming he knew who I was. He tried to tell me about combat and his family life, but he couldn't remember much at all. I remember crying a little in the dream; he did too. It was pretty tragic.

My internal clock has improved greatly since moving here. I'm one of those people who doesn't mind waking up a few minutes before the alarm, since that means I can avoid being shocked awake, which I usually am, no matter how gentle a lullaby. But it's especially joyful when I wake up at least 20 minutes before my alarm, because then I can go back to sleep and be almost fully out of it before the alarm does go off. Anyway, the past few mornings my internal clock has been going off between 5:50 and 6:00 a.m. This morning, I'd told Patrick I'd get up at 6:00 since we both had to be to work by 8. It ended up working out pretty well, and the early internal time helped ease me into the 6 a.m. wake-up.

I'm wearing my new dress from JCPenney today. I still have a bit too much of a gut for it, but it looks decent. Covers up my red shoulders anyway. =P Seems like everyone looks a little spiffier than usual today, so I don't feel out of place. Maybe it's because we have our biweekly Web Services Department meeting today? That would be funny; Web nerds like to impress each other. =) Have a good one, folks!

scalded

2008-06-15T20:55:00.001-05:00

I can't begin to express how much I hate those Taco Bell commercials with the guys rapping about 89-cent tacos. Make them go away!

I think I may have burned my sunburn today. =\ It's painful. I really wanted to kayak, so even though I knew it would be a bad idea, I decided to go out this morning. I pondered shirt options, but I thought all that shoulder/arm movement with a T-shirt would rub and rub my existing burn, leaving me in tears. So I did the tank top thing and layered on the sunscreen. It didn't help. My burn lines are different now. Sigh. I can not get cancer, pleez?

The overexposure pretty much left me exhausted today. I sprawled out on the couch for a two-hour nap while "Little People, Big World" played in the background. I'm still really tired, which is good, since I don't want to be up half the night because of the nap. I just hope I'll be well rested by tomorrow. And that I'll have enough energy to get back to the gym Monday or Tuesday. Have to deal with those French fries I ate last night and tonight...

Not a whole lot has been going on the past couple days. I did some laundry, talked to my parents on the phone, went to Walmart and tried on clothes, watered the flowers a few times and worked on my second job. Funny: I guess my roommate and his ex used to TiVo "Gilmore girls" on ABC Family and watch it together in the evenings. Last night, he asked if he could borrow one of my seasons to watch before bed. Guys that like girl shows are fun. I always appreciate when Tod can get into "America's Next Top Model" with me. =)

I'm watching "CSI" right now, which I watch way too much these days. Apparently that's what they chose for the Father's Day marathon. I wish it were a little more realistic, but at least it's entertaining. Plus, that old guy who leads the team is pretty cute. =)

on the right track

2008-06-14T17:40:00.001-05:00

Oh man, I'm sore. I worked out four nights this week and joined the Anytime Fitness on Friday. Then this morning, Patrick and I made our way to Shelby Farms to hike with the Memphis Hiking Group. We were planning to do the unpaved Tour de Wolf (named after the nearby Wolf River), which is about 6 miles. Well, we discovered it was more like 7 miles, which still wasn't a problem... until we realized how ridiculously muddy and rutty the trail was from the rain last night and the mountain bikers frequenting it. We were basically bush-whacking half the time, trying not to slip and fall the other. And we saw a cottonmouth! And Patrick got two ticks on his ankles! Crazy. It ended up being just as exciting as the other trip to Shelby Forest (an alternative plan for the hiking group) probably was. With the rain, I bet it was pretty gross there too. Anyway, we hiked at least 5 miles, probably 6 and then headed back toward the visitor's center. Quite a morning. We were both extremely sore by the end of the trip. And I don't think our older hiking buddies were even ready to quit yet!

So, I have a pretty bad sunburn and am achy all over, but I feel great about it. We had some great spaghetti and sauteéd zucchini for lunch, and now I'm sipping iced tea, watching Alton Brown on Food Network and doing my second job. I'm trying to decide what to do later. I need to do some laundry, but that could happen tomorrow. I think it would be nice to go for a relaxed walk somewhere or go hang around at an outdoor café, but I wouldn't know where to do that. I haven't seen any nice Starbucks or other coffee shops with patios.

I think I'm going to take out the kayak tomorrow, which should be cool. I'm hoping to get up early enough that it's not blisteringly hot already. I like sun as much as the next girl, but sometimes it's too much.

All right, back to work. Or something. =P Have a good one!

P.S. I considered writing something more meaningful and/or interesting, but I am too drained to do such a thing right now.

the occasional beauty of OCD

2008-06-12T21:40:00.001-05:00

Today is my 60th post in this new blog situation. I think I will give it until 100 before I decide what my next step will be. I love the freedom and the ease with which I can use Blogger. And, honestly, I don't have much time and energy left over at the end of the day to design something on my own, buy a domain, etc., so this will work for the time being. Hope it isn't bothering people too much.

Work has been great. I can honestly say this is the first job I've ever really, really liked. I liked GLARO enough, but not until the last four months or so. I'm hitting my stride at NHQ, which feels great. I'm definitely not ahead of the curve yet, but I'm ready to learn and excited about what we can do with our Web site in the coming months. Even though all of these thousands of pages exist already, it's still just getting off the ground in many ways. I'm excited to be a part of that process, to be able to have input in its evolution. I started keeping a list of suggestions as I was surfing the various pages today, so I'll be adding to that as I go, trying to find ways to show how much I care about this project and how invested I am in its future. I am! For the first time ever, I really am!

I've been testing out the local Anytime Fitness for the past three days. I visited that and the Cordova Athletic Club on Monday, and while the latter is more like the Chelsea Wellness Center, I just didn't like it as much. They both had pros and cons, but in the end, I guess I'm going to be "lazy" and pick the one I've been going to for three days, that I know I like. Unfortunately, the coupon I have for a free month expires on Saturday, so if I decided to test out the CAC, I'd have only one day to do it, and that just doesn't sound that appealing to me. I think I'll just sign up tomorrow and write the check for $520. =P That sounds terrible to me, but I need this. It's made me feel so much better (if sore and slightly miserable physically) the past three days, so I know it's the right thing to do. I'll just have to keep my other job a little longer...

Otherwise, things have been pretty standard really (movie reference anyone?) - wake, eat, work/eat/work, gym, home, eat, work, sleep, wake. (No kidding, the eating really is that pronounced. =P) I probably won't get outside much during the week, so I'm looking forward to the weekend, hoping the roommate won't think to take the kayak out so that I can. Sunday is another hiking meetup at Shelby Farms, so I'll be doing that, too, maybe with the roommate in tow. Sounds like he's going to be moving out and over to Mud Island as of the beginning of August. He's going to get to bring his dog up from home, though, so that's really good for both of them. He said he'd still consider volunteering at the Humane Society, which we're both planning to train for on the 21st, so we might still see each other from time to time.

Guess I should get back to work for now. Maybe another post this weekend? We'll see!

why is Feliz Navidad in my head?

2008-06-06T12:15:00.002-05:00

I am at work right now, having just returned early from lunch with my coworker, Alice. She's a nice lady who's been with DU for more than 35 years, working in several different departments and landing in Web Services about a year ago. We went to a really great sub shop called Lenny's tucked in between Game Stop and Payless in one of Germantown Parkway's many strip malls. It happened to be the same one Laura took me to for Moe's Southwest Grill last October, when I was in town for that week helping out at NHQ. Today I had a super meatball sub with bread that actually tasted fresh, rich mozzarella and tangy sauce. They're also full service in that there are no trash cans anywhere - they toss it for you. So pleasant. I'll definitely go back sometime.

Last night was full of catastrophe for me. (I'm using my definition of catastrophe here, not the norm, which might involve death or hurricanes.) First, I arrived home to find the neighbor had started up my landlady's sprinkler so that it was spraying the left side of the driveway, the patio furniture and the front door of the house. So I had to sprint to get inside, drop off my stuff and get out again so I could turn it off. Then I went around and watered some of the flower beds. I just wish the neighbor would lay off and let me do it - I know I'm gone all day, but I did agree to do it (and don't want to end up with drowned plants) and it would easier for me to do it... Sigh.

Anyway, after that, the less-than-neat fridge door dispenser spewed ice cubes and chunks all over the kitchen floor. I spilled a glass of iced tea on the living room floor, but thankfully the glass didn't break and the tea didn't end up on the white carpet, just on the hardwood, so I was able to clean it up without incident.

However, the clincher came later, when I started boiling water to make more iced tea. I forgot I had turned on the pot, and it sat there scorching for at least a half hour before Patrick went out there for something and turned it off. He didn't notice what had happened because he left the pot where it was, but the metal coating from the bottom of the pot had burned itself onto the flat stove top. At first I thought it had burned the surface off the stove, but I wasn't that unlucky. Had I thought it through better, I would've just left the fancy stove top cleaner on overnight and seen if I could get it off in the morning. But since I was freaking out, I instead worked at it with something slightly abrasive and ended up scratching the area around the toughest spots of metal residue. I feel really bad about it and hope my landlady understands. I promptly went upstairs and cried for a half hour, especially after realizing I'd missed Tod's call and he was already asleep. =( It was a bad night.

I have over nine hours of work left for STN this week - guess that's not getting done... I should be able to get through five, at least, but not nine. There's just no way. I should leave work early, since I'll be over my allotted 39 hours for the week, so that might help a little. No Friday night fun for me though (as usual).

Work is still good. I'm getting back to it now. Have a good weekend, ya'll! (bwa ha)

success!

2008-06-05T19:05:00.001-05:00

I finally solved the e-newsletter dilemmas (all of them)! It took me almost two whole days at the office, but I did it. I was so overjoyed to figure it out. It happened to coincide precisely with the guys coming to work on the ethernet jack by my desk and my boss calling me in to get a new assignment. I almost skipped into his office. I think he was proud of me, mostly because I'd solved the problem, but also because I was so excited about it. I'm pretty sure he laughed at me, I was so pumped. =) I called the distribution, "Emily's Test," and sent it to my four e-mail addresses at least 100 different times. In the end, I had to laugh, because it really did seem like a test... of my patience, my skills and my perseverance. Cool!

Now I just have to become a hot, fit Web nerd chick. Step 2!

such a Web dweeb

2008-06-04T21:05:00.001-05:00

I'm definitely getting there. I spent about 65% of my day at work troubleshooting the e-mail newsletter I'd just distributed, trying to figure out why it looks so weird in Yahoo! Mail and Gmail. Not unreadable (thank goodness), but definitely quirky. I solved about 50% of the problems, but I still have a bit more work to do. I spent part of the time searching forums and most of it tweaking code and resending test e-mails to myself (over and over and over). Phew! By the time my boss called me in to his office to work on something else, I was on the verge of mental illness. =P

I personalized my cubby (half cube) today. It looks a lot like my old cube at GLARO, because, well, I brought all the same decorations and personal effects. There are a few new things, but not much. I think I should find some new stuff to put up, just so I feel like I'm moving forward, but maybe I'll acquire artifacts over time, like I did up in Ann Arbor. That way it really relates to my time in Memphis, rather than just being random things I picked up to fill wall space.

I really like my coworkers. They all have different personalities, but they're all nice in their own way, and most of them have that subdued shyness laced with sly humor and sarcasm. That's what I love about nerds, geeks and dweebs. I count myself among them, being shy and sarcastic myself. I try not to be overly harsh so as to be considered unapproachable, but just enough to surprise people when they think I'm just resigned and ineffectual. Ha cha!

Anyway, they're cool. And the hallway where I work is a pretty good temperature and not as distracting as I thought it would be. I wish I could see outside, but I'd probably get distracted pretty easily, just staring out the window. I saw an awesome Great Blue Heron out on the pond yesterday when I was talking on the phone to Tod during lunch. It was so pretty and HUGE. =)

So, the hardness of my bed is starting to get to me. I felt too bad about it to mention it when my landlady mentioned the mattress on the phone the other night, but I just had to e-mail her about it tonight. My shoulders and neck hurt in the morning, and when I lay down on the other two beds in the house this afternoon, I realized how much worse mine is than theirs. =( I was on the verge of tears. It's like sleeping on a big wood crate with a slightly bendable top. I hope she isn't upset by the e-mail, but I just wanted to let her know - even though she won't be able to do anything to help me, at least she'll know not to have her guests sleep there after I move out. =\ Until then... I will make the best of it and try to find a cheap mattress pad.

I'm watching a very interesting Discovery Channel show called, "The Anatomy of Sex." I think I'll get back to that and back to work. Goodnight, all.

Why do I watch so much CSI these days?

2008-06-03T19:30:00.000-05:00

It is about 7:00 Central Daylight Time.

Today is my second day in Memphis. I arrived in town around 5 p.m. CDT on Sunday, after 12 hours on the road. It was a pretty uneventful trip and I listened to a great audiobook called, "The Night Class." I hit one 5-minute southern rainstorm in which I couldn't see and had to follow the distant taillights of the drivers ahead of me. A little scary, but nothing I hadn't seen before - apparently they have those around 4 p.m. all the time. =P

Work is going pretty well so far. I've done an e-newsletter and had a couple meetings already. Apparently I will be attending meetings regularly on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday mornings. One is departmental and the other two are for fund-raising in print and online. I'm not sure I realized just how much fund-raising work would be involved - that'll be something to get used to, I guess. I am finding I have a pretty good intuition about that sort of thing, though, so that's good.

My roommate is pretty nice so far. We've talked minimally, but he's quiet and nice, so that's good enough for me. I can look past the rap music and "South Park." He made dinner last night, which was nice. I spent most of the evening out and about, finding the mall, picking up some curtains for my landlady, buying a couple dresses for myself and getting groceries. I ended up with already-expired cream cheese, so I have to take that back to the store tomorrow. =P

I'm still feeling uneasy about being here, but at least I'm not crying myself to sleep at night. Yet, anyway. I hate that my boss keeps saying, "In the next year," because I'm still not sure about those last 9 months. But I'm trying to give it a chance. Considering how busy I've been in the past two days, if it keeps on like that, at least I'll be fully immersed in work and unable to think, "Woe is me," all the time. I'm thinking about quitting my other job, though, because I haven't hit my hourly quota for the past three weeks and don't know if I'll be able to in the future. If I want to enjoy myself here, get back in shape and be fully focused on why I'm here, I just don't know if I can keep trying to squeeze in 20 hours per week on this stuff.

All right, I'm going to get back to that very thing now... Have a good week, kiddies!

sigh

2008-05-31T21:25:00.000-05:00

I would be shocked if I had a single tear left in my whole body. However, I know 6 a.m. will bring on another torrent. One down, one to go. As long as I can still get in my car and navigate out of the driveway, I should be fine.

I'll miss you all. I'm having my fair share of second thoughts, but I'm going to do my best and try to come back a stronger person. Stay safe and well while I'm gone. I'll be carrying you all with me in my heart!

move: phase I complete

2008-05-29T22:10:00.000-05:00

It is 10:20 p.m. on Thursday. Today, Tod helped me complete Phase I of my move: getting every damn thing I own home. =P It was a long, long day. I had brought home one load of stuff already, but nothing major until today. He and I got to the truck rental place bright and early to pick up the 16-footer and cautiously maneuver it back to my apartment. Definitely not my favorite thing to drive, but I felt like it gave me a small excuse window for being a timid, slow driver. Like other drivers would empathize and think, "Yeah, big trucks are hard to drive," instead of the usual, "Slow bitch, get off the road!" if I were in my own car. =)

Anyway, we took a little too long getting things in and out of the big truck, so we didn't have time to unload my car, forcing me to go back and forth a bit more than I wanted. But oh well, I didn't want Tod to be late for work. And I'm glad we left right when we did, because we had just enough time to fuel up, return the truck, grab Wendy's drive-thru and get back to my apartment to switch cars. What a crazy day. By that point, it was 2:30, so I loaded a couple more things and headed home to get rid of that initial carload. Little did I know, the last one would be the biggest and put me on the brink of a breakdown.

I thought load 3 (in my car) would be the easiest, since it was supposed to be all Memphis-bound stuff. Then it turned into mostly Memphis-bound stuff. Finally, it became about half and half, with the larger items (vacuum, tree, etc.) belonging to the non-Memphis clan. Each time I went back in to get something else, the pile didn't seem to be shrinking. I started sort of hyperventilating with each pass, wanting more and more to be done and on my way home. My goal was to be done there by 7 p.m. Finally, I managed to squeeze the last thing in, do one last sweep of the apartment and lock my keys inside for my landlord to pick up at a later date. I found it ironic that it took me less work to clean the fridge upon departure than it had when I moved in. Funny... I ended up leaving at 7:05, which I thought was OK, considering I'd taken at least 5 min. meeting a woman from the next building, who I'll never seen again but who was really nice and had a really cute Papillon Poodle (mostly papillon) dog who kept smiling at me and jumping on my knees. =) Love.

But now everything is home and I'm as sore as can be, from head to toe to fingertips (which were used to carry a dresser by its lip and yank on the edges of couch pillows to get them through doorways - ow...). I've taken two doses of Bayer Back & Body today, but I seem to be immune to solace. I should've had that glass of wine like I'd planned...

So, apparently my siblings (all of them: bro, SIL, sis, BIL and niece) are coming over tomorrow night for pizza and goodbyes. Weird. I knew my bro & SIL would get over here before I left town, but the rest? Surprising. I felt bad that I couldn't attend my niece's play in Hartland last night, but at least there don't seem to be hard feelings about it. I'm not sure I'm going to have a chance to see my dad before I go though... I just can't imagine not spending every one of these last minutes and hours with Tod, as lame as that sounds. I'm going to miss him so much. =( I'm so thankful that he was willing to help me and get all sore and sweaty and winded today. I'm also glad I told him to change his shirt before we started, so his work shirt wouldn't get all nasty. It definitely would've. =P

All right, I have to finish one more report and then go to bed. Longest day ever...

counting down

2008-05-28T22:50:00.000-05:00

I feel the need to timestamp these entries myself, since Blogger seems to think I'm in some other time zone, despite changing my settings and checking them twice. So, it's almost midnight, just for the record.

I'm nearing zero hour on moving out. It's actually going more smoothly than I thought it would, even though I've run into a couple snafus, such as thinking I was going to have, "Just one more carload!" before loading up for Memphis, but it looks like that won't be the case. My hope is that I'll have enough additional room to still fit everything and make one trip home at the end of the day tomorrow (Thursday). I spent most of the day packing and getting started on cleaning. Bright and early tomorrow, Tod will show up here and we'll drive up to Plymouth Road to acquire the moving truck. Back down here to load up the long list of things that need to go in it (and maybe, hopefully, a few others, just to make my life easier), then home to drop them off, along with the current carload (the "last"... until after I clean).

I'm hoping things will move quickly tomorrow. I want to take Tod to lunch at the hotel Thai place, but that won't happen unless we're done and ready to go there well before he has to work. Then I'll clean, return my video, return the Payless shoes, get my free Potbelly sandwich and head home... then probably spend all night working on my second job, since I'm way behind. =\ Oh, life.

I missed my cousin's funeral, lunch with my friends and my niece's fairytale play because of packing today. I wish I could've been done sooner so I could've made it to at least two of the three, but such was not the case. =( I know this move isn't as rushed as my move from Holt to Dexter was last year, but it seems even more so and even more stressful, because of the distance and the planning involved. Oh, and the furniture. Can't forget that. =P

All right, I think I'm going to finish things up for the night and hit the hay. Seven o'clock is going to come earlier than I want it to...

not tired yet

2008-05-27T01:25:00.000-05:00

It's very late, but since I haven't run out of juice yet, I'm doing some packing and prepping to move out. I know I'm going to keep failing at waking up early, so why not stay up all night, right? =P I've taken apart both dining room tables (one's been a desk that I used maybe once since moving in...) and stacked the chairs by the sliding door. I've packed up the Nintendo and other media, and I've sorted all my clothes to figure out what's going to Memphis and what's staying home. I still have laundry to do, but it should all be done in time. I'll probably need to take a load home either tomorrow or Wednesday anyway, so I'll be able to take some things to wash then, since I'm out of quarters. I also need to find the missing lids for the Rubbermaid containers I moved things in. =P

I got to spend the weekend with Tod, which was great. I mentioned Friday already, but he also came over Saturday after work, despite being sick. We all went to Binder Park Zoo on Sunday and were lucky enough to have beautiful weather the whole time. The line was pretty long when we got there, but it didn't take too much time to get in. I thought the zoo was pretty laid back and casual in design, which was interesting compared to Detroit and Toledo, which are like, "ZOO!" when you get there. This is more like, "Take a stroll through the swamp... take a tram ride to Africa... feed Triscuits to a giraffe..." There are very few animals, which was a little disappointing, but I liked it more than the GR zoo, so it was OK. We sought out and found Battle Creek's Clara's on the River (kin of Clara's Lansing Station) for dinner after the zoo trip. The food wasn't particularly impressive, but my burger was pretty good and the river was sort of pretty.

Sunday night, Tod feigned hanging out with guy friends and came over to stay the night. I knew it wouldn't be easy on him, since he's sick and neither of us sleep well when we're sleeping in the same tiny full-sized bed, but in the end we had one of those experiences where one of us sleeps well and the other doesn't at all. Luckily, he was the one who got the rest. I'm sure the Nyquil helped too. =) I slept in this morning and then we went to Big Boy for brunch, browsed at the mall and saw "Horton Hears a Who." Such a cute movie. And the anime spoof section? HI-larious. We laughed forever. =) We had Qdoba for dinner, played two games of Munchkin (we each won one) and then I grudgingly let him go home. If I don't see him beforehand, he said he'd help me move my furniture home on Thursday, so I'm looking forward to that (not the task, but seeing him). I also need to take him out to the Thai restaurant for lunch this week.

I reserved a Budget truck for Thursday's move. I thought I was going to be able to get away with a 10' truck, but then I realized there is absolutely no way I could make that happen. Ever. So I went with the 16', which is only about $10 more to rent (and even worse on gas), and I was able to get a 20% discount with an online coupon, so it shouldn't run more than $150 total (with gas). Not ideal, but oh well. I needed something to consolidate stuff, since I can't imagine making 25 trips back and forth with Archie's pickup truck.

Planning to head out to Memphis on Saturday or early Sunday. Le sigh. Not looking forward to that drive...

Oh, on a sadder (not whiny) note, one of my cousins was killed this week. He was in a motorcycle accident in Indiana - he was speeding, swerved into the opposite lane and collided head-on with a car - and, while he didn't die right away, they knew he wasn't going to make it. He was only 28. =( I don't think I'm going to make the funeral (Wed.), so I hope the family understands. I'm going to e-mail my aunt and uncle to apologize for not being able to come, and offer my support and thoughts. Poor family...

All right, back to work. My energy is waning, so it's almost time to hit the hay for the night. Hope you all had a great holiday!

last week

2008-05-23T23:25:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm back from Memphis. And it's been one of those days where I don't really feel like talking to anyone or doing anything, so please forgive me if you called or wrote and I didn't get back to you - it's not you, it's me.

Memphis was a trip, to say the least. My mom and I left between 6:30 and 7 a.m. on Monday and arrived after 6 that night. They're an hour behind, in Central Standard Time, so we were able to get there well ahead of schedule. I had two appointments set up for that night. Luckily, one was canceled (though about as last-minute as possible...), but the other one was out in the boonies and we kept getting lost, so by the end of the night, I was worn out and bawling. (Not to mention PMS-ing, as I discovered the next day.) The guy we met was very nice, but his house was kind of dingy, his neighborhood very Ypsilanti Township, the location pretty far from work and the circumstances just not ideal. I would've had two rooms to furnish myself, and there's a chance he'll be relocated to Guantanamo Bay in the next few months, working as a JAG attorney for the Navy. =P Glad that wasn't my first choice...

After we left his house and got lost a little more, we blazed our own trail (friggin' Google Maps) back to the hotel. On the way, we were about a car length away from an accident. We managed to get around without shredding our tires on the broken glass and everyone appeared to be OK. After that, I was done for the night. I couldn't take any more. I was ready to go straight home, job be damned. I cried on my rock-hard hotel bed until my mom coaxed me up with promises of delivered pizza and tiramisu. =) I got plenty of sleep that night and started the next day as fresh-faced as I could.

Tuesday morning, I met Ai-Thuy, the sweetest girl in the whole world. She reminded me of my cousin Rachel and said she'd be my first friend in Memphis. Her apartment was filled with pink items and Hello Kitty, and she was wearing a Hannah Montana tank top (despite being older than I am). Her rent was too high, though, so I left smiling but checking it off the list. We took a tour of Country Squire, which had beautiful units, 6 awesome pools and a fitness center, but the leases were all 12 months, and even with their current specials, too high for me to deal with, especially if I had to break my contract (it would cost about $4,000), so I had to say no. We met with Betty, a real estate agent with a huge house only a few minutes from work. She was renting out her master suite with a king-sized bed for $650/mo. She had a great pool and the sweetest old dog and cats. But my mom was unimpressed and the price was too high for me. I was still hopeful that my initial first choice would pan out.

And it did. Even though she'd already rented out the initial bedroom to another guy, my new landlord still wanted me to live there. We went over on Tuesday night and found her house (with relative ease) in a cute little subdivision between Memphis and Cordova. She's on a corner lot and her section of homes is in a semi-circle, so there's a little courtyard there. No one really uses this area, but it's nice anyway. There's a weird overgrown lot next door, but a nice little restaurant and a plant nursery nearby. And I guess the rich farmer (made rich by selling his farmland to developers to build the community) still grows lots of fresh veggies, so that'll be something to look forward to this summer. There's a sweet old couple a few houses down who looks out for my landlord, so my mom and I met them and got acquainted while we were there. My landlord also took us on a drive through the huge rec area, Shelby Farms Park, showing us the various trail heads, ponds, parking areas, waterfowl spots, etc. It was awesome and doesn't cost to get in! We then went to dinner at the famous Corky's BBQ, which also happened to be next door to our hotel. I was quiet the whole time and made sure to let my landlord know I was just shy and not a total puke - it's usually 50-50 in how I come off to people. =) She didn't seem fazed by it though. At the end of the night, we agreed I should live there, so I left my bike and chair frame in the garage and headed out.

On Wednesday, I met up with my coworkers at the office, and we drove over to Rafferty's for lunch. They told me about their individual duties, razzed me for drinking unsweetened iced tea, asked about my background and were generally nice guys (and one gal). I got another tour of the office, but I still have no idea where anything is. =) In the afternoon, I took my mom to Graceland as her birthday treat. What an expensive ordeal! But it was at least half worth it... maybe... We ended up inadvertently purchasing the "VIP" package, so we got to see the automobiles, airplanes, jumpsuits and Army display as well. We then ventured over to the Mississippi River, since neither of us had seen it before. We missed our exit, so we didn't end up on the bridge we'd planned to take, but we did get off in a spot that allowed us to drive along the river and see the end of Beale Street, with all of the famous restaurant signs visible. That part was pretty cool. Then we high-tailed it out of the slums and back to civilization in time for dinner at the Outback and dessert at a custard joint called Sheridan's. Yum!

We headed toward Nashville before 6 on Thursday morning and arrived back in Chelsea around 7. Long, long day... The traffic in Indiana was pretty awful, so I'm still undecided on which route I'm going to take when I return to Memphis. I'll probably go the same way because I'm familiar with it, but we'll see; I'm just not sure I can take any more of Indianapolis. =\

So, this week will consist of job #2, packing, making arrangements to move stuff home, moving stuff home, spending time with Tod/parents/friends, packing my car for Memphis, saying my goodbyes, etc. I've also been pondering a haircut and a bit of pampering before I go, but I guess that depends how much the moving part costs. I'd like to cut the hair, maybe highlight it (probably not), get a manicure and pedicure. I've already got flip-flop calloused feet and it's not even summer! I need something to make me feel pretty while I'm working my way back to a decent weight. =(

I went over to Tod's tonight for Chinese food, cuddling and "Planet Earth" viewing. His parents got home in time for the last one, but both ended up going to bed before the two episodes were over. The kitty spent a good deal of time on my lap, which was unexpected and nice. He must've known it would be my last visit. I'll probably see Tod again tomorrow, as well as Sunday and Monday. Sigh. I'm going to miss that boy...

All right, bedtime. Have a good Memorial Day, kidlets.

from my Memphis hotel room

2008-05-20T23:30:00.000-05:00

I found a place to live! And one day early, too, so I have tomorrow to meet my new boss for lunch and take my mom sightseeing downtown, to the Mississippi and possibly to Graceland (if we feel like spending $50 for a tour). Hooray! More when I get home...

finally setting in

2008-05-14T21:55:00.000-05:00

It started setting in today. First, it was just that I was leaving GLARO, as I fielded a few premature goodbyes and put all my stuff in the Staples box. Then, as I met Mandy & Carla for dinner at Potbelly, I realized I was leaving this state and everyone in it. It's going to be rough. I know I'll be busy and moving will be hectic, but I know I'm going to cry a lot. And my heart is going to break when I see Tod for the last time. And my mom will cry, which will make me cry. And... hell, I'm crying just writing this!

The girls and I had dinner and were entertained by the guy washing the windows. I saw a cute, droopy basset hound in the car next to me. Then we came back to my place and watched the season finale of Top Model. My pick won! =)

I have set up at least three appointments to meet people about housing in Memphis, which makes me feel more at ease. Sounds like the daytime hours will consist of apartment complexes and a stop at DU, and the evenings will be meeting individuals and seeing rooms for rent. I had to schedule one of them for the night we arrive, so hopefully we don't get held up or have problems on the way. I'm trying to figure out if I should bring something big (papasan chair or bike) so if I pick a place and it's all squared away, I will have one less thing to fill up the back of my car. Both of those are things that will make it impossible to bring much else, so they seem like the best bets. Maybe a floor lamp too? We'll see. I don't know how much I trust people. =P

Tomorrow is my last day. Wow. I was sad to find out Nina's going to be in the field and won't be there for lunch or happy hour. Not that I'm positive we're still doing the latter (depends on weather and interest), but if we do. I suggested maybe hanging out at Mike's on Friday night, but it doesn't sound like we'll have great weather, and she may not be available then either. Oh, well. Hopefully I'll get one more chance to see everyone in the area before I leave for good. Mostly Mandy & Carla, but others too. It's going to be so weird...

Back to work. I should be down to 2.5 hours for the week after tonight! Won't be finished before Friday unless I end up coming home after work tomorrow instead of going out, but I'll be close. Hooray!

heart... melting...

2008-05-14T09:55:00.000-05:00

I really need to get on that whole "Get incredibly rich, adopt 25 dogs and start a dog ranch" idea. Every time I look at Petfinder or see a Craigslist posting saying, "These dogs have only 9 more days!" it's like a punch in the gut. There are so many people who can't have dogs where they are, even if they love them or want one. The closer our quarters become (urban sprawl), the fewer chances these animals have of being adopted. I understand apartment complexes and rental houses having no-pet policies, because they want to be able to find someone to take up the lease in the future, so there need to be people with dog ranches. So, I either need to be independently wealthy and hire a dog-care staff, or I need to join forces with several friends who also love dogs and buy a sufficiently large commune-type house with at least 20 fenced acres and an out building that will work as a supply shed. And they need an indoor space with at least five dog doors, just like on that episode of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition." =) If I could, I would, doggies. At the very least, I want to be able to buy a house with a yard someday and become a foster for rescue dogs. I think that's a little more attainable. But I'll never stop dreaming big!

I spent the morning at the local Honda dealer, seeing about the squealing when I turn the car 90 degrees. The theory was prematurely dirty differential fluid (common among several Honda models), and even though the service guys couldn't make it happen, they replaced it for free anyway and told me to come back if it continues. I noticed a difference in the three-minute drive to work, so I think that was the fix I needed - hooray! Now I have to tell my boss, because she's experiencing the same thing. I guess it's normally $60 and something that should be done every 30k miles (who knew?), so I'll keep that in mind for the future. It's funny that the techs couldn't replicate it, though, since it's been happening to me a solid 100% of the time, but I don't think they were aware of the 90-degree requirement. Anyway, it seems to be resolved now, so I'm happy.

This is my second-to-last day working in Ann Arbor. Yikes! I still have a lot to do, and will be spending an hour today and some time tomorrow cleaning out my office, figuring out what stays and what goes home in my Staples box (which I've been using for at least four years now). I just hope I don't forget to do anything before I go tomorrow...

Also, cutest moment of the past couple weeks: one of the guys at my office, Dave, popped his head in to say he won't be here tomorrow to go out to lunch with us. Between 2 weeks and a month after I started here (last February), he and I went to the Michigan DU convention, played with the litter of black lab puppies he was considering (from which he chose his dog Raven) and drove back to AA together that night. I remember talking on the way about how mean young girls can be (he has a middle-school-aged daughter) and how I lost my two best friends in the 7th grade through the band-camp delivery of one cruel note they wrote about me. He said today, "Ever since we went to the convention together last year, I've always felt a sort of special connection to you." From any other adult male, that might sound creepy, but from Dave it's just sweet and old-manish. He's very much a dad figure. The whole thing is extra surprising because of how stiff and unapproachable other people think he is. I remember saying, "I didn't have any trouble talking to him...," and their shocked looks and responses, especially the interns. I'll miss Dave.

frustration

2008-05-13T14:15:00.000-05:00

You'd think after saying, "I don't want to get ahead of myself," 100 times, I would stop getting so damn ahead of myself! The woman who I was subconsciously counting on to rent me a room in her house found another tenant. She's been so nice to me throughout this process, and continues to be nice now, telling me to still come by when I'm in town, see the house, figure out if maybe I'd like to stay with them for a little while, till I find something else in the area (or if I decide to run home after 3 months). I told her I'd still come by, and thanked her for her kindness, then spent a half-hour crying ridiculously over the newly fallen stress. I need to stop counting on things that aren't engraved in stone (or at least scribbled on a signed contract).

I have spent part of the day e-mailing all of the people with whom I've let balls drop over housing. One person e-mailed to say her apartment is still open, and even though the price is a little high for me, I'm definitely going to look at it. The dude with a couple spare bedrooms said there's still one open, but he's not sure he wants to rent it out - I'm meeting up with him too. I'm still waiting to hear back from a couple more, and a renewed ad on Craigslist has piqued a few other people's interest, so I'm trying to remain optimistic about the whole thing. Most of the stress comes with knowing my mom and I won't be down there long, and having gotten used to the idea of living with a nice adult with a spare furnished room, the alternative of ending up in some roach-infested "little Mexico" apartment complex is jarring, to say the least. I really hope something decent works out...

Other than that, pretty much nothing is going on. I'm trying to wrap up this Web project, but it's not going to be done, mostly because I need content from people who are going to be busy all week. Luckily, I've been approved to keep doing some work on it once I start in Memphis, so I can keep the ball rolling for GLARO. Phew. Since I can do the work from home, too, that may be something I pass the time with, if I find myself needing to pass time for some reason (doubtful) - that's a sure sign of job enjoyment, at least.

In happier news, we'll be going out to lunch on Thursday and some of us will be partaking in happy hour at Dominick's (weather permitting) for sangria and an al fresco send-off for me after work. Nina suggested going to Mike's for horseshoes and grilling on Friday night, but that's not a sure thing yet. Then Tod and I will be heading to GR for dinner, a baseball game and my goodbye to the kids there. (I find it strange that coworkers and friends even want to say goodbye to me, but that's a story for a different post.) THEN my mom and I will leave for Memphis early Monday morning, stay three nights in what I hope won't be a scary "Studio Plus Deluxe" and try to get my housing squared away...

Now I will stop hyperventilating and get back to work. Hope everyone's having a good week!!

so much going on, so little to say

2008-05-11T00:10:00.000-05:00

My last day at GLARO is Thursday. After a semi-tearful goodbye with Pete and the three Labs last Friday, I can't imagine how hard it's going to be to hold back the tsunami on Thursday. I have to keep track of who's going to be out during the week, too, because I don't want to miss bidding anyone farewell. Their excuses for going to Memphis are few and far between for most.

I've been planning out my days and weeks that remain before my job starts in Memphis. I'm a little concerned that I won't make the June 2 start date, but I hope they'll be flexible. My mom and I will be down there May 19-22 to look at housing options. Still need to make the hotel reservation, but we both agreed on the days and my strongest prospect will be available to show me her house those days. I have a couple other places of interest, but nothing quite as promising yet.

Between now and the 19th, I have to finish up at my current job (yikes), get a proper send-off from my coworkers, spend as much time with Tod as I can, go to GR and say goodbye to the folks there, pack up my stuff and do my other job as usual. Phew. AFTER the 19th, I have even more packing to do and a trip to Binder Park Zoo with Tod's parents. If I end up choosing to live somewhere furnished, I'll have to rent a U-Haul or Budget truck and move all of my stuff to my mom's. If not, I'll have to get everything ready, then rent a truck that will take me all the way to Memphis. I'm getting tired just thinking about it. =P

I'm doing a load of laundry right now because I'm out of clean underwear. My neighbors have been using the machines all day, so this was my first opportunity to get a load in. Our hallway and stairwell smell strongly of paint after three days of work to make it look less ghetto after the flood forced wallpaper removal several weeks ago. Took them long enough. I like a little paint smell, but too much and I develop a headache - I'm there now. =\ Tod came over after work at the library, and we hung out for the evening. He went with me to Meijer for some groceries. My goal was to get raspberries to add to a cake I'm making my mom for Mother's Day, but the stupid Ann Arbor-Saline Road Meijer didn't have any - shock! Hopefully there will be some at Zeeb tomorrow. She'll just have to deal with a lack of surprise on the final steps and presentation.

I'm also trying to bust through as many hours of work as I can this weekend. Last weekend, I managed to get 13 hours done, and even though I know that's not going to happen this time, the closer I can get, the better off I'll be. I should be able to focus on it on Monday night, too, but after that, I may be staying late at DU and getting generally stressed about life. =P We'll see. Since we've been permitted to work at least 30 hours, maybe everyone else will grab up all of the reports and there won't be anything left for me. Wishful thinking...

All right, back to work and grabbing my whites out of the dryer. Hope everyone's having a good Mother's Day weekend!

wow

2008-05-04T18:10:00.000-05:00

"Hocus Pocus" is on ABC Family right now. It's been so long since I last watched it. And I had no idea Sarah Jessica Parker played the blonde witch. Such a ridiculous movie. =P

mostly a recap

2008-05-04T00:00:00.000-05:00

I'm writing this on a stolen wireless signal, because mine isn't working for some reason. Le sigh. I was really determined to do some proofing, though, so here I am. Now I'm taking a break. =P

I heard about a got milk? promotion with Curves that let women have two weeks free at Curves for bringing in three milk jug caps. Well, of course, I was naive enough to think I wouldn't have to sign up for something to get the free weeks. But the girl working that day was very sweet and told me I could just do the two weeks anyway; screw the club owner and his "rules." Hah. Too bad I have no idea how I'm going to convince them to let me work out when I go back. Today was my "first workout," so I was on the schedule for 11 o'clock and someone took me around the circuit, but I don't have an id tag or anything, so I'm going to have to explain the situation every time I go in for the next two weeks. I really hope I never go in when the owner's working - he seems like an ornery old jerk. What kind of man runs a Curves? It shouldn't be allowed. =P But, anyway, it felt really good to get my heart rate up for a little while and listen to other women tell stories about weddings and other stereotypically female things. Good times.

Last night, I went over to Tod's for pizza and Scattergories. Jet's took forever to bring the food, so we were all pretty famished by the time it arrived. Then the delivery person almost drove off because he didn't think he was in the right place, without even going to the door to ask for directions or help finding the place. Tod finally had told them about Memphis that day at lunch, so I didn't have to break the news of my imminent departure.

I went to dinner with my dad, brother and SIL tonight at Grizzly Peak. After I remembered to e-mail my entire family and tell them I was leaving town at the end of the month, my dad suggested getting together, you know, before I moved away. =P It was good to see them, but honestly, I don't need negative feedback. I'm already nervous and don't like the idea of being 11 hours from home. But then my dad says, "Well, you know, if they don't offer you a solid full-time job after the year is up, you can't work for them anymore - they're just using you." I had to force myself not to roll my eyes. I'm not stupid and, while I hadn't even considered the possibility of their helping me relocate, I wasn't about to accept $10/hr. I know better than to let myself get screwed over, especially as I get older and draw closer to that "real life" thing that involves living somewhere permanently and having more expenses than a nomad college grad/potential lifelong student.

So, anyway, I called my mom on the walk back to the parking structure to vent my frustrations to one of the few people who seem excited about this opportunity. I almost cried when she said, "It hit me the next morning after you took the job. I woke up and said to myself, 'I didn't actually encourage her to go, did I?'" I know she's going to miss me (even though I go home only once a week these days), but she's still happy that I'm making strides. She's trying to think of it like three months instead of 12, because it's easier for her to fathom, but she's ready to accept my staying there a full year. I'm just remaining open-minded right now. Seems like the best course of action at this point.

I think I'm going to start packing some things tomorrow, whatever I can think of that I don't foresee needing much between now and the end of the month. I bought six Rubbermaid totes at Meijer a couple weeks ago, so I have a place for things. Only problem is, I need to separate what I'd need if I rented a furnished room and what I'd need if I lived alone. But I don't think that'll be impossible. We'll see how it goes.

All right, this entry has been written gradually over the course of over an hour, so I think I'll wrap it up. Tod's at a LAN party, but he'll be over in a couple hours, so I'm looking forward to seeing him, even if it's only overnight. For now, I'm getting back to work!

w.c. handy, won't you look down over me

2008-04-30T17:55:00.000-05:00

It's official: I'm going to Memphis! My tentative start date is June 2 and my mom and I will be going down sometime in May to see about housing and to take a look around.

More later...!

put on my blue suede shoes?

2008-04-29T17:05:00.000-05:00

I am about a half-step away from spending the summer in Memphis. Honestly, who is naive enough to sign on for three hot months alongside the steamy Mississippi River? I am! What I'm waiting on now is confirmation of the numbers I discussed with AJ. I have been digging furiously through Craigslist and the classifieds, on the lookout for housing options. I have found a handful of promising options, which I'm keeping at a simmer until all of the details are ironed, folded and put away. I could be rooming with a guy my age, a 46-year-old professor or a 31-year-old grammar school teacher, among others.

It took me a lot of hard thinking to get to this place. And even though I know the worst isn't over (especially the hurried moving and the goodbyes), I'm trying to feel at ease for the moment, keep my focus on getting these Web pages ready before I ride off into the southern sunset. It will be an interesting change of pace and a chance to learn several new things, work with different people, continue building report with DU. I'm excited to add a third line to my résumé that effectively says, "Yes, they did love me this much!"

Back to work for now. If you've seen those freeway warning signs in mountainous areas - "Steep Grade Ahead" - you know how I'm starting to feel. It's just 5% for now, but things can change in a hurry.

pros, cons

2008-04-25T00:25:00.000-05:00

No, this isn't about the job situation. After driving myself nuts looking at (crappy) apartments on craigslist for the past 24 hours, I'm trying to put it all out of my mind until after I talk with the adviser at MSU tomorrow. I have to give the VT program a fighting chance before I start moving in the other direction.

Anyway, the title refers to the fact that I hate being so sedentary right now, but it's a blessing in disguise when I'm stuck sitting on the couch proofing for seven hours at a time. That's what I'm doing right now, and have been doing since just before 5 p.m. I think I've gotten up maybe twice during that period - yuck.

I feel like I didn't get anything accomplished at the office today. Several things with the Web site are on hold until AJ gets back from his vacation. Not only is he offering me a job, but also he's the one who has to do so much of the internal stuff on the pages I'm creating for our office right now. Apparently he is literally the only one who can do several of these tasks. Does that seem silly? A little. I hope I'd get to be a go-to person for those kinds of things if I went down there...

Enough! I am going back to proofing till midnight. Yikes...

live via satellite?

2008-04-23T23:30:00.000-05:00

Every time I hope decisions will be easy, they never are. I faced this last June when I was offered a position with Great American Publishing, and now I'm facing it again with DU/Memphis.

I spoke with AJ today about the position. A $10/hr internship didn't exactly sound ideal, but I was considering it and definitely wanted to learn more about it, if nothing else. He'd said that bringing in someone with my prior knowledge probably would change the job description a bit. He described those changes on the phone, including a big fund-raising push, a new Web campaign and in-depth analysis of ducks.org pages using Google Analytics. Those are three things I've never done, so I can't say whether I'm psyched, worried or just plain "meh" about helping with them. I think it would be a good challenge, but that's about it.

Then he threw out the twist: 1) He has tentative approval for $12.50/hr and a "part-time" status, rather than intern, and 2) If I want the job, it's mine - he doesn't even want to interview anyone else if I want it. Yikes! What am I supposed to say to that?? I told him about my appointment at MSU this Friday, to talk with an adviser about the Vet Tech program, and that I'd get back to him next week after I'd talked with her and thought more about it. I guess he'll be out of the office till Tuesday anyway, so that gives me a nice cushion, but still - ahh! Too much, too quick, too soon!

Every time I talk to Tod on the phone or see him in person, my heart melts just a little bit more and I have no desire to take even a step away, let alone 11.5 hours south. But when I'm alone and at the office, I think more about my "career" and myself, so I entertain the notion of going to Memphis. It doesn't jump out at me as, "Yes! Yes! Must go!," so it's still a 50-50 for me. I'm going to keep thinking and see how Friday goes, then see where the weekend takes me. Since Tod is planning to spend the night on Saturday, I have a feeling it's going to be a rough process for me. =\ Mer.

What would you do?

convertibles, swings, other marvelous things

2008-04-22T16:40:00.000-05:00

It's official: I was raised by the wrong parents. That was proven to me in the course of a few hours with the Schlegelmilches this weekend. Tod and I met up after his class and my financial workshop, did some shopping at Meijer and headed to Chelsea to see his parents. We had a great dinner of grilled chicken, potatoes, salad and bread, then decided to head into town to take a walk and get some ice cream (something my parents would never do/suggest). We drove there in his parents' "new" Sebring convertible, which although a little scary for me, was pretty sweet. I got to see Tod as he would look with Beatles bangs - cute! =) We parked at Heydlauff's (the north end of town) and walked south to the ice cream place by Pierce Park. There, we saw the Minnick mom, some other CFMC people, Aaron Montero and John McCormick. That last one surprised me, not having seen him since a random encounter at a church group my freshman year of college. He, Tod and I chatted for a few minutes (after I reminded Tod who John was, of course =P), and John asked if we were engaged. Our immediate reaction was simultaneous laughter. John seemed really content, which was great to hear/see, so after some golden retriever petting (not sure who they belonged to) we went on our way. Before we could get past Pierce Park, I had a yearning for the swings, which is not uncommon for me. Tod warned of the stomach turmoil that would ensue after having wolfed down a big dinner and a "Dirty Harry" sundae next door, but I went for it anyway... and so did the other three. I have never seen parents on swings unless they were holding toddlers on their laps. I was shocked! (This is yet another thing my parents would never do, along with owning a convertible, which I forgot to note along the way.) Tod got the highest of the four of us, and Bev had a little trouble stopping at the end, and it was all so much fun. =)

After walking back, we drove to the house and tried to decide what to do next. We discussed Tod's dad's hatred of board games, and Tod seemed to be trying to perform psychoanalysis to figure out why he hated them so much. We dug through the games closet, but didn't come up with anything good. In the end, we sat down for a few rounds of Crazy Eights (something I haven't played in SO LONG), then the parents taught us how to play Euchre. I have always loathed that game, mostly because I associate it with Monty Python and the Princess Bride - there's just too much ridiculous hype and subculture surrounding all three things, so I want to stay as far away as possible. But playing it in a casual learning environment and picking things up as I went along was a lot more fun than I'd imagined it would be. Tod was thoroughly disgusted with the 2-3 dealing technique, which I happily employed to get a rise out of him. =) Bev and I ended up winning, which was exciting too!

We rounded out the evening by giving the parents an abridged explanation of Munchkin (which I'd brought on Tod's request) while Tod and I started a game. (He wanted a rematch after the Euchre trouncing.) It was after 10 p.m. and that game is really complicated, so, as I'd predicted, his parents wandered away from the table without knowing much more about Munchkin than they'd known already. I think Tod's finally come to grips with the fact that we'll never play as a family. ;)

Anyway, other stuff has happened since then, but nothing particularly notable. My apartment is a mess right now, which makes me sad, but since I didn't get any proofing work done this weekend, I won't have much time to clean this week. I am waiting to hear back from Memphis after asking 12 questions about the internship opening. It sounds like I'll be talking with my potential supervisor on the phone sometime soon to hash out more details about the position and what it would entail if I: a) was selected, b) chose to take it, c) made it past/chose to continue after three months. It sounds as though the specifics of the job would change if it was made long-term like that, something I guess they want to do only if I'm interested? Because I'm that awesome? I don't get it. But, anyway, I hope to hear back from him soon about that. Other jobs are just sort of floating around in the ether, as I haven't heard back yet. I keep tempting myself by looking at job boards, but at this point, unless I hear something about another application, I'm either going to Memphis or staying home for a little while. I don't want to start introducing unnecessary chaos to the mix.

All right, I'm going to stop whining/wondering/rambling and get back to work. Have a good week, youngins!

not even on the radar

2008-04-18T01:50:00.000-05:00

So, I'm blogging from my bed, waiting for Tod to call and say he got home from Sidetrack all right. We met up with his library coworkers tonight as sort of a "wish you well" evening out before his boss's upcoming surgery. It was a good time. =) I hadn't seen him since Saturday, so I was definitely getting a little lonely...

However, the meat of this post relates back to its title. So, I was commissioned to spend my last four months at DU reworking our office's Web site, which resembles the national DU site but stands alone on our office's server. Well, we found out in the beginning stages (after I'd coded the homepage) that we could be using our national office's content management system (CMS) to keep everything organized and make it easier to stay within NHQ's template framework, since they change things on occasion (like the search field, header graphic, etc.) and we wouldn't have to keep updating this way. Since I won't be here after May, it probably just wouldn't get it done at all, making the site effectively out of date right from the start. =P So now we're working with national.

And we're working with a guy named AJ who is a little slow on returning e-mails, but who's very nice when he does and helps me out a lot. He's the main Web guy down in Memphis and I chatted with him a bit when I was down there for a week last October. ANYway, he's been saying in the last couple e-mails what a great job he thinks I'm doing on the pages he's seen. Now, I'm the first to say I'm not doing that great a job, and I'm happy to say that now - he's seen only two of the pages, and they probably will be the most impressive of the bunch, but they're just click-throughs and things that let you jump down the page a bit. Nothing fancy. But he thinks so, so woo!

So I get an e-mail from him today saying, "I know your internship at GLARO is going to be over soon. What will you be doing after that?" I gave him the brief rundown and he responded with, "Reason I ask is I just posted this internship position within my department at headquarters. It's basically like the job you applied for down here last year," (where the job wasn't supposed to be posted in the first place because they'd already chosen someone internally), "but it's a summer gig." I thought that was really nice of him to bring it up, but I wasn't so sure about the idea of Memphis for the whole summer, when I'd been planning to go back to Chelsea and work out and just hang for a bit till I decided what to do next. Well, then he e-mails me AGAIN saying, "Oh, and hey, if you're really interested in this, there is a strong chance I will be able to make it a 12-month internship instead of 3 or 4." Ha! So random. I'm thinking to myself, Is he just making this up as he goes along? Highly suspect.

I secretly had hoped there was a "real job" opening down there. Not that I can envision myself in Memphis forever, or even that I'd WANT to go down there for a while, but this still conflicts with my "plan," so I'm hesitant to pursue it. My boss said, if she were in that situation, she would put herself directly in the driver's seat. She'd say she was interested in the 12 months, but that she'd like to use the first 3 months as a sort of test run to make sure it's the right fit for her. It gets a little mucky there because of the difference between moving somewhere for a summer and being somewhere for a whole year. If I sign on for a sublease in a furnished unit for the summer, that'll be OK. But if I then decide to stay in Memphis for another 9 months, I have to find a new living situation or try to make that one longer term. And if I'm dealing with college students, that's usually not as easy to do, since they're coming and going by semester and will be back in the fall. Plus, Memphis is a HUGE place, so renting "in Memphis" may still mean I'm 45 minutes away from the office, which is actually on the very eastern edge of the city, in Germantown.

Regardless of all that, I'm just not sure how keen I am on the whole thing. I probably will post the job description at some point, but I don't have it handy at the moment to share. I just needed to write this out now and see if any initial thoughts or feelings would come to me as I did so. ...they didn't. =P So now I must ponder. Do I want to be an intern again? Do I really like the job I'd be doing? Is it worth it to move to Tennessee? Can I handle making $10/hour again? Will I still be able to do my other job (and retract the new 30 hpw commitment I made for after May 15)? Will my mom kill me as soon as I bring this whole thing up? heh. For now, I'm going to bed.

job prospects

2008-04-14T17:20:00.000-05:00

Not that I've heard anything back from the ones to which I've sent applications, but... I'm listing them for optimism's sake. Not that I'm really looking to get another job immediately either. In fact, I don't really know why I'm looking for something right now, to be honest - I just want to go back home and get in shape, then move forward. Gosh, I hope I don't get any of these...

Applied:
Associate Editor position in Gaithersburg, Md.
Grant Writer in Tucson, Ariz.

Yet to apply:
Education Associate in New York, N.Y.
Senior Editorial Specialist in New York, N.Y.
Reporter/Editor in New York, N.Y.
Publications Manager in Silver Spring, Md.
Associate Editor in New York, N.Y.
Assistant Editor in Lexington, Ky.

Now, I know Maryland and New York City are not exactly places I can imagine myself living, but if that's where the interesting jobs are, what can I say? Besides, Tod likes city dwelling, so maybe he'd be more likely to eventually make his way out there. Doubtful, but I can still hope!

Anyway, I'm perfectly qualified for every one of these jobs, and I'm trying to find ways in which to make myself especially desirable. Fortunately, most of these leads came from idealist.org, so I have the non-profit experience to back me up, but other elements of my work at DU will help propel me to the top of the pile for a few of these, especially ones that deal with grants and print production. Wooo...

All right, back to my current job. Yar!

back to school?

2008-04-11T15:30:00.000-05:00

Now that my time at DU is officially drawing to a close, I've been thinking more about returning to school. My mind has drifted quite a bit about the subject over the past year in terms of potential programs, colleges, etc., but I can't get veterinary work out of my mind. I distinctly remember being in elementary school and saying I wanted to go to Michigan State and become a veterinarian. It may have been a short-lived desire (followed by a stronger desire to be an artist - squelched by one of the art teachers at Beach - and then a writer, which has been the one to stick), but I definitely remember it. Anyway, being around animals gives me so much joy. I know I should've been volunteering at the Humane Society all these years if I wanted to go into that field, but I haven't had time to give it my all, which is basically how I do things: all or nothing; there is no in between.

I don't think I could make it as a full-fledged veterinarian, mostly because vet schools are harder to get in than med schools and I'd have another seven years of school ahead. A two- or four-year vet tech program sounds a lot more doable. And I like the idea of having more time to spend with the animals, which I wouldn't have as a vet. Their time is spent in surgery and doing the "big" tasks, which means less time to comfort the animals, spend time with them, get to know them - those are the things I want to do. And while I'm qualified to do some of the lower-level jobs at the HS and other shelters, having some background in vet medicine would be helpful, I'm sure.

Obviously, MSU has great vet med and vet tech programs. I've scheduled a tentative advising appointment in that department for April 25, just to see how I would need to handle the prereqs and admissions process, being an MSU graduate already. Tod's cousin Jana is doing some sort of vet program at Eastern, but since I can't find any mentions of vet tech, my guess is it's pre-vet, which would work, too, but I'm not planning to go on to be a veterinarian at this point. The other options are places like Baker College, which is fine, but I'm not sure I like the idea as much, especially since I'm going to be down to a part-time work-from-home job, not dealing with a real full-time job that requires I go to school part time and commute from home.

I'm not sure where this will end up going. I also have some job applications in the works, so if one of those happens to pan out first, this may have to get bumped to the back burner for a little while, though the more desirable of the jobs IS for the Humane Society (an editing job out east), so I bet they'd be receptive to the idea of my pursuing further education in that field.

Enough for now. I'm going to try to get through a few more hours of work, then go hang out with Tod for a bit. Fridays are good days. =)

I should at least get a lollipop for my trouble

2008-04-10T18:05:00.000-05:00

So, I went to the doctor yesterday. The original plan was to get a physical and a Pap test, but biology doesn't always coincide with appointments, so the latter half will have to wait until April 22. It probably would've worked out yesterday, but I'm not great at quantifying that sort of thing, so we just skipped it.

I guess I never realized what a physical actually is, never having had one. At least at this office, it's almost exactly what I get when I go in for being sick, like when I used to go in for ear infections and the like. Check your eyes, your ears, your nose, your heartbeat. A few extra reflex, eye and belly-thumping tests, but that was about it. A big chunk of it was Q&A from a form. Had I known that, I would've been more revealing on my first pass with the form, but I figured it was a formality and I didn't want anyone's shorts in a bunch because I marked Yes to, "Have you been feeling depressed or hopeless lately?" I always feel like that, so i just said No, figuring we could move on to the part where they actually make me do something to prove my unhealthiness, like run on a treadmill. Alas, nothing of the sort. But I did come clean about the depression/stress/psychiatric issues thing and was given some recommendations for seeking help. Hopefully I'll be able to use them sometime, though I fear the initial appointment, because I know they're going to request that I come back once a week FOREVER. If you read my last post, you understand why.

Anyway, the PA I had was very easy to talk to and joke with, which made the whole thing much easier. I was loathing having the actual doctor come in, because I couldn't imagine her being as good or better than the PA, but she was actually really great too. Perhaps I'll have to start saying she's my "usual" doctor, considering I've seen her and the guy who took out my lipoma about the same amount.

This morning, having unintentionally fasted just the right length of time, I decided to go in and have my blood drawn, since that was on the agenda after yesterday. I actually like doing that; it reminds me that I need to donate again sometime. I get an e-mail every other day telling me about blood drives at MSU, but that's a little inconvenient now, so I should figure out where I can give around here instead. It'll never be as convenient as second-floor Bryan Hall common room and being able to stumble down the hall to my bed, but I'd rather do it than not, so I should definitely find out where to go. Anyway, they took only two vials today, and I definitely remember them taking four up at MSU, so I was a little disappointed. =P Good times though.

Also yesterday... I met up with Tod to get him cleats for Ultimate Frisbee, since his dad's were much too big and giving him blisters. At MC Sports, we found him the $30 pair he'd been searching for, then got him some new socks and shoes from Target, but I guess the latter were too big, so hopefully he was able to return/exchange them today. We stopped in at PetSmart to look at the kitties, fish, reptiles, hamsters and PEEGS!, then had dinner at Red Robin. Man, it was busy there. And SO MANY BIRTHDAYS. Wow. I said we should go there on Aug. 26 this year, so they can make some sort of huge deal about the fact that we're both having a birthday. Speaking of... Has anyone ever just gone to as many restaurants as they can that offer free sundaes and cakes and special shit on your birthday? I think that would be fun. If you went with a group, each stop could yield a bite for everyone or a dessert for one of the people in the party. Of course, you'd have to order at least one thing off the menu, but I bet that could be minimal. Something to think about for this year...

Right, so, the doc seems to think I'm pretty healthy, which is good. We didn't go into much about the PCOS because my hormones seem to have stabilized enough for proper cycles, but really... there's so much more to it than that. Perhaps I'll mention it on the 22nd. I also have to figure out if my insurance covers Gardasil, because I don't want to end up with a $200 charge if it doesn't. Not that I'm all that gung-ho to get it, but y'know - one more thing to delay death!

everybody's comin' to get me

2008-04-10T15:05:00.000-05:00

Examples:

1) I get all worked up when plans change or are misaligned and I can't see Tod. It's like it's always the last time I'll ever get to see him, and oh god, what can I rearrange to make sure it happens??! I often cry when he's leaving because he might die while we're apart and I'll never see him again. If that were to happen, I wouldn't be able to do anything about it anyway, but I feel like seeing him whenever possible and talking to him three times a day is a preventative measure of some sort, at least making it so I don't feel like I took our relationship for granted while he was still alive.

2) When I hang up after talking to Tod, I look at my cell phone to see how long we talked. Sometimes the number doesn't appeal to me, usually if it's odd, or at least ends in an odd number of minutes. Sometimes I'm so uncomfortable (especially if it comes in combination with an awkward or quiet conversation because neither of us has anything to say), I have to either call back pretending to have forgotten to tell him something or talk to him on AIM via Gmail just to make sure we're still in love and he's still alive and everything ends on a positive note. Also, after noting the number of minutes, I do two kisses in the air before his picture disappears from the front display of my phone. If I don't, he might die. I've started doing that when he leaves my apartment, too, when I'm watching through the window to make sure there are no thugs waiting out by his car. I watch and wait for him to back out, then do two air kisses before his car disappears from view. If I don't, I get very stressed out and can't get comfortable until he calls to say he's made it home safe.

3) Yesterday, Tod wrote "MEW!" on an old receipt sitting in the center console in my car. I said, "You know I'm never going to be able to throw that away now, right?" He said I should, that it would provide a good lesson for me, a way to work through my issues. I bet I'll never throw it away though.

...that's all for now. God, I'm screwed up. I have to go remount and laminate a poster, then cut 8 of them down to size for mailing. Such an irritating task. I will write about my doctor's appointment tonight.

any way you want it, that's the way you need it

2008-04-08T15:25:00.000-05:00

Oh, I am so incredibly tired today. What is wrong with me? Well, I know a few things, but I'd like to understand today in particular. It's day two of menstruation (seems to be a theme among my fellow female bloggers this week), so I feel like I should be over most of the icky feeling. I'm a little frustrated that the gyno part of my doctor's appointment will have to be rescheduled (hoping against hope I can get in at all before May 15), but at least I'll get the physical out of the way, since that seems to be the most booked-up procedure for them.

Anyway, why am I tired? I thought getting outside yesterday would help, and it seemed to at the time, but when it came down to going to bed, I stalled as usual. I've been noticing this lately and it's definitely not a new thing: I'm afraid to go to bed. I have mentioned to people a few times my theory that if I wait as long as possible before going into my room and turning off the light, any serial killers or rapists will get tired of hiding in my closet and show themselves while I can still fight back. Perhaps I don't give these people enough credit, but that's what's hanging around in the back of my mind while I continue to flip through the channels well after 11 p.m. every night. I want to be in bed. Last night, I was tuckered out from walking. But I just couldn't leave the couch. Sometimes it's laziness, I know, but sometimes it's just unreasonable fear. I can't help but tie it back to society and movies, because I've never been attacked, nor has anyone close to me (or at least that they've told me). So it's all those images that have clung in the fibers of my brain, like a really stubborn tomato sauce stain that's hung around for years.

And the longer I wait to sleep, the less sleepy I get, a lot of the time. Much like hunger, my fatigue cycles up and down, so one minute I'm dozing off and the next, I'm ready to start another activity. So, when I should be encouraging and amplifying my drowsiness, I'm ignoring it until it fades away again. And when I finally make it into bed? I scroll through my cell phone menus, looking for something to distract me from turning off the light. I look for free games in Get It Now and go hunting through all the options for something I've yet to discover. Trust me: I've discovered everything now. =P

So, yeah, chalk up another crazy habit for me. Oh, and I told Tod about this one the other night, but he was falling asleep at the time, so I don't know if he understood... When I go to take a drink out of the cup in the bathroom, I always do one rinse before I drink anything out of it. Not so much to make sure no bugs have crawled in and died, but because I'm afraid someone may have put poison in it while I wasn't home. Because tap water always rinses away any hint of POISON. =P Yikes.

I can't keep my mitts off the dried cranberries today. Yum! I should get back to work now...

Oh, if anyone's interested in working for a nonprofit, my boss led me to idealist.org and I've seen several interesting prospects on there already. Just FYI!

imagine life sweeter

2008-04-07T23:55:00.000-05:00

Has anyone seen the, "Dinnertime, little munchkin. C'mon!" IKEA commercial? Oh, it makes me laugh.

So, I spent a lot of time out of the office today, running around town. I took two cars to be detailed. On the second trip to Big Daddy's car wash, the Trailblazer hiccuped. The engine was still running, but the steering wheel wouldn't budge and the pedals were stiff. I was sitting in the turn lane, unable to go left. I put on the emergency flashers and called the office. Apparently Nina had experienced the same thing and turning off/restarting the car fixed the problem. It did the same for me, but the receptionist told me to take it to the mechanic after the car wash. I think he had been given incorrect information the first time, because he seemed to think it was stalling, so maybe they'll be able to figure out the issue this time. Later in the day, I picked up a coworker from Metro Airport and met with her and my boss about advocacy out east. I didn't end up getting anything done on the Web site all day. =P So much for being motivated...

The weather was wonderful today! I was so thankful to be out in it, even if it meant I was running other people's errands. After work, I gathered up my energy (difficult, for some reason) and finally hit the sidewalk just after 6. I walked to the video store to return "Into the Wild," then walked to Trader Joe's for a few groceries. It was mostly just for fun, since I didn't really need anything, and it was an excuse to get out and get my heart rate up for a while. Best part? I got sparking pomegranate juice. It. Is. AMAZING. I am forcing myself not to drink the entire 36 ounces in one sitting...

Wow, I'm getting tired now. It took a while, but it's starting to set in. Maybe I can get to bed a little earlier tonight than most nights recently. That would be nice.

Yeah, too tired to concentrate on writing anymore. 'Night all!

like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette

2008-04-06T22:25:00.000-05:00

I just wasted a beautiful day. Honestly, I'm not too disappointed, which is unusual for me. I got to spend half of it lazing around with Tod, which always makes me happy, and then I started my period and felt like curling up on the couch, not galloping around outside. I also felt the need to get a head start on proofing for the week, so I'm not struggling to get the hours in on Friday night. I have a strange desire to watch "The Hills" and the new "Editor-in-Chief" series on MTV tomorrow night, so that should give me a few more good hours of work time too. Hooray! I've spent the last two hours reading the new style guides for the quarter, so that has given me a little time without requiring a whole lot of effort - score!

GR was fun: low key, just right. I wasn't as impressed with the butterfly exhibit as I had hoped to be, but if I had thought about it more beforehand, I would've realized a sunny Saturday at a short-lived cool thing would be packed. And it was. The greenhouse was hot and crowded and made me feel claustrophobic and rushed. I felt guilty pausing too long, lest someone (or his/her child) got antsy or felt I was in his/her way. It didn't actually happen, but I was dreading the idea of it, so as soon as Keith headed for the exit, I went out, too, after Tod introduced me to his old roommate, Brian, who happened to be there with his wife and son. That was a nice encounter - he seems like a cool guy. =)

After a walk around the weird sculpture garden (they could do SO much more with that place... maybe it's just that no flowers were blooming yet), we headed over to Chili's for a bite to eat and a break from the walking. The food and service left a little to be desired for most of us, which was disappointing (but not surprising), but it was great to see Jen. I thought she was going to be back, but Tod didn't think that could be the case yet, but she was! And she joined us for dinner, so we got an update on her status after returning from Charleston. Then most of us (minus her and Jessie) went back to Liz's and sat around watching TV for a few hours, with Keith periodically asking, "So, are we going to play a game?" and not making a move to pick one out or get out of his chair. =) Classic. Around 9, Jenny and Chris took Keith home for some rest before his 6 a.m. shift and Tod and I headed home. It was nice to be able to get back and stay the night here, wake up together, eat lunch at a leisurely pace, etc. He left for UF in the afternoon and said it was beautiful weather and he got a free Spongebob T-shirt. Awesome!

I called my mom instead of going for a visit today. I figured nice weather meant she would be busy with outdoor tasks, which she had been all day. I find myself clenching my jaw a little every time we talk. We're both argumentative, tense people. Or at least we can become that way in a split second. I hate that about myself, so I've tried to learn to hold it in. But she's not really into that whole "self-training" thing, so whatever she feels like doing or saying, she does or says without regret. She feels like she's earned it after 60 years on earth - maybe she has... I don't know. I guess I value being likable. Sometimes too much, but usually just enough to be effective.

Anyway, while talking to her, I started fretting about moving back home. These past few weeks, I've been excited about the idea, because it means getting back to the Wellness Center, regaining the normalcy that I had last year. But what if it's not the same? What if the idea that I don't have a steady job or direction is too much to allow me peace in that house? My mom will be home all the time (summer = least busy for her) and so will I, working from home every day, and I worry about the tension that will arise within the first week. The disagreements that will start the first afternoon. We really are that bad.

This thought actually occurred to me today: I wish I could live with Tod's family instead of mine. Of course, I could never do that, because my mom would officially disown me for being so ungrateful and cruel (regardless of my reasons for doing it). And even though I understand Tod's dislike for the way his parents can be, they really aren't as bad as my mom. And being with other people's parents is SO much easier than being with your own. I feel so much less guilty about not being a success when I'm around them. They have animals and love them - my mom hates most living things. =P They own a motorcycle and take weekend trips, even when funds are tight (not always responsible, but fun; my mom never leaves SE Michigan). They have a hot tub and take time to relax rather than just stomping around all the time or plopping in front of the TV (my mom's two favorite pastimes). They're active, walking the dog, cross-country skiing, etc. (my mom mows the yard?). And they're social, spending evenings at Bible studies, out with friends, going to movies, etc. (my mom and Archie go to Stiver's on Friday night for dinner - nothing else... EVER). Many of these things end up making ME feel guilty for being active, social, an animal lover, etc. I don't want to feel that way! I want to be around people who understand why I am the way I am, even if they're not the same way, even if they don't get why I would be willing to work at the Humane Society, scooping dog poop, if it meant I got to scratch furry heads all day and throw sticks and comfort frightened cats and dogs. I hate being misunderstood by the person who's been around me the most in my life, who I feel should know me the best and be my biggest supporter. Why is there such a disconnect?

Tod is such a laid-back person too. I think that's one of my favorite things about him. In some ways, I think he's lazy, but in others, I think he achieves the perfect balance of relaxation, activity and responsibility. Or at least he does a better job than I do. =P I am such a work-focused person most of the time. Not so much when I'm blogging while on the clock (haha), but I worry about work. I procrastinate, waste that time, then regret it while I'm working through lunch or staying after to get something finished. If I just did what I needed to do at that moment, then moved on to more enjoyable things, I'd get a lot further in life, on tasks, etc. Anyway, back to what I was saying: I think that would be a mellow household to live in. Not one I could ever actually live in, but one of those things that would be nice if I were 13 years old again and wanted to choose a different life for myself. =P

One of the things I really need to work on is patience. No matter how tense or relaxed my surroundings, I'm still liable to snap without notice. If I learn to be more cool-headed, I can more effectively deal with my mom's bitterness, antisocial tendencies, lashing out, close-mindedness, insecurity and short temper. Even around Tod's family, I can sometimes feel my good mood slipping, like when his mom made the Cranium clay into a long, snaky necklace and proceeded to put it around the dog's neck, dotting it with white hairs. She was nice enough to pull them out and realized what a bad idea it was after I said, "...And now it's full of dog hair." I immediately felt bad for saying it, but y'know... I have a short fuse when it comes to "my stuff." I need to get over that too. =P

I guess I'm just going to do my best to deal with moving home. I'm going to think about the positive aspects as much as I can and recall as often as possible that it is only as permanent as I make it. There's nothing tying me to that place or my current job or SE Michigan. If I want out, I can go anywhere. I don't want to have to be an escape artist just to be happy, but if I need to step away for a while, I think that's OK. Anyway, I'm going to make my transition back as smooth as I can by packing effectively, moving things efficiently, making as little work for others as I can. I will organize everything and try to make livable space in the basement. I will stay out of my mom's way as much as possible and avoid being an inconvenience. I will make a conscious effort to find places outside my house to do work each week, so I'm not always in the same space as my mom. I will get back to the gym and move back in a good direction with my health. I will spend time outside and try to be more active in other ways, so I'm not always relying on an elliptical machine and a lap pool to keep in shape - I may not always have those things at my fingertips like I do now.

All right, I'm feeling crampy and need to address these Yeti-like legs of mine. Bath time! Hope everyone had a great weekend. Looking forward to more sunny days!

weekend!

2008-04-05T12:40:00.000-05:00

The combination of not having to work today and having it be beautifully sunny out FILLS ME WITH JOY. Plus, we're going to Grand Rapids! It feels like it's been forever since we drove out there. It'll be good to see everyone, and I've been wanting to check out the butterfly exhibit at Frederik Meijer since I heard about it a few years ago. Hooray! I borrowed (covertly) a camera from work, so I may be able to document some of the trip, which will be nice. I may spend most of the drive pestering Tod with the camera too. =)

I'm trying to tidy up my apartment before Tod gets here. I hate leaving it all messy and coming back to it after a weekend away. If we don't stay overnight, we'll be getting back late, and not coming back to blankets strewn about and dirty dishes in the sink is preferable.

Yesterday, I took another half day at work and went over to Tod's after a load of laundry and a stop at my mom's to drop off a check and some cookies I'd made. Tod and I played some more SNES games (including a rousing round of Jeopardy!, using player names such as Feces, Rectum, Bukket and Nugget), had dinner with the 'rents (haha) and played Cranium with them. Little did I know, Tod's dad has hated playing board games this whole time. Why didn't anyone say anything??! I always bring a game because they seem to enjoy it, but he was definitely not feeling it last night, so we stopped after one round. I probably won't bring it again...

Oh, and the cookies... When I opened my "baking cabinet" the other night (which I hadn't opened for a while, without a working oven), I realized my brown sugar was in one giant, hard clump from the moist air after the flood. The baking powder appeared to be ruined too. Two boxes of cake mix had ants in them, which filled me with blinding rage. After dumping all that in the trash, getting the oven door back (but not the handle, because that's missing ANOTHER piece that requires ordering - probably won't show up till after I move out) and wanting to bake cookies, I grabbed my reusable Trader Joe's bag and hoofed it over to Kroger for supplies. I bought ground turkey and Kaiser rolls, too, and made delicious Italian turkey burgers (chopped garlic, paprika and basil). I baked the cookies that night, too, using both semi-sweet and white chocolate chips and Alton Brown's "The Chewy" recipe from the Food Network. They sort of turned out as a combination between "The Puffy" and "The Chewy," but they were pretty good nonetheless. I ended up sharing most of them with other people and have only one left now, but that's OK. =P

My other walking adventure this week involved a circuit around the neighborhoods behind my complex, then feeling too antsy to stay in, I went back out, walked to the video store (got "Into the Wild" - very good and tear-jerking) and then to Dairy Queen for a new Tin Roof Brownie Blizzard. It was still a wee bit too cold for ice cream and walking, but I managed to get back without losing any fingers. =)

All right, off to shower and keep cleaning up. Have a lovely sunny weekend, everyone!

lackadaisical

2008-04-02T13:20:00.000-05:00

Blargh, I'm feeling tired today. Perhaps it's that I'm doing absolutely nothing active these days. Hmm...

Being able to curl up on the couch under a fleece blanket and watch the Food Network after work every day has been nice. Sure, I feel crappy because I'm not actually moving or doing anything remotely energetic, but I don't miss working my second job one bit. Just think, I could've been doing this all along, had I decided to up and quit when I started talking about it so long ago...

Still haven't though. Someday soon, they'll send out an e-mail saying the next quarter has begun. I would kind of like to have at least a couple dollars of income outside DU this week, but we'll see... I may end up with no check for this pay period. =\

Did I mention what I ended up renting at the video store the other day, after all that pondering? "The Darjeeling Limited." It was kind of boring and I turned it off partway through to take a nap before finishing it. I don't think I'm in the mood for "deep" movies these days. I was checking my e-mail while Tod and I watched "Garden State" the other day and I totally gave up on "Reign Over Me." I did enjoy some "Day After Tomorrow" last night, but that has action and involvement, so it wasn't quite so much effort to get through.

Tod suggested that I play my NES the other night, when I was struggling to come up with something to do for the evening. I thought, hey, good idea, since why else did I bring the stupid thing back with me to the apartment and set it up? But it's just not that fun. Of course, it's crappy 8-bit technology and I have almost no games, so that's part of the problem. Another part is that it's not nearly as fun to train yourself on Dr. Mario alone, because I can ascend past level 15 easily without someone else chucking pills down on my screen. What fun is that? The third part is that I'm just not that into video games, or at least one-dimensional ones with no plot or ability to hit "Save." I did give it my best effort, though, sitting there playing DM for at least an hour. Meh.

I'm going to start watching the ads for cheap Rubbermaid totes over the next month or so. They have been sneaking their way to the top of my "Preferred Storage Method" list over the years, so I definitely need to invest in enough to hold at least all my kitchen stuff, if not everything I own. I'm going to try to find ones that are more square, so there's less wasted space than the wider-on-top version. Also, a somewhat less hideous color than the bright red and yellow ones my mom has. My goal is to buy all the same style so they stack properly. Right now, we have at least three different styles, some with raised lips on the lids, some with flat tops, some smaller than others. Uniformity and symmetry are friends of mine (most of the time).

All right, off to accomplish something... or look for Rubbermaid containers online...

yes indeed, I'm walking

2008-03-31T13:30:00.000-05:00

My hips are sore today. A sure sign that you're out of shape is when the effects of taking a walk last for days...

I got quite a bit done on my Friday half-day last week. I got my IRA CD in Chelsea and was one of the first to learn of Keith's brother's engagement, because I couldn't help but hear his mom (who works at my bank) gushing over the phone throughout my visit. =) I then parked at the library, returned things and checked other things out, and hit up the post office to mail my return to Amazon. I strolled over to Mission Marketplace to procure free coffee, but they had only decaf, which was a little disappointing. After three visits and three free cups of coffee, I decided I should purchase something, so I got an endangered species candy bar to support manatees (10% of the proceeds). I went over to Tod's after that and we played some Super Nintendo, saw his parents briefly, picked up Chinese food and watched "Garden State." We played several rounds of Hoopla (a Cranium offshoot), which I find very stressful to play in front of other people, but being with just Tod (as with DDR) is fine.

Saturday, Tod came over after teaching and I made us some pasta before we headed out for our walk. I wanted to use up the last carton of tomatoes my dad left on Easter, so I used them in my sauce and made a separate Alfredo for Tod. Spinach, chicken and fresh garlic went into both. In the end, I hoped mine would be healthier and tasty, but it really wasn't all that tasty because I didn't season it properly. His was much better. So I combined the leftovers for my later enjoyment - now it's Alfredo with tomato, spinach and chicken... yum! We also had soft and doughy flatbread, because I still don't have a working oven and had to microwave it. Sigh.

Our walk downtown was lengthy. We went to ~~Beaner's~~ Biggby first to get two giant mint chip freezes (meh), then continued up to Kerrytown. We missed the farmer's market, which I had forgotten happened on Saturdays, so we browsed a couple shops and then headed back downtown. We wandered Nickels Arcade and then walked back to my place. We were sore by the time we were partway back! I almost didn't make it. =P We then watched "Nausicaa" and ended up going on a lateish BK run to acquire a snack.

Yesterday, it rained and was dreary all day. I went home to see my mom and our nearly finished new deck - it's huge! We started dreaming up grand plans to improve the overall look and curb appeal of the house, even though my mom isn't planning to move anytime soon. I told her I'd be happy to help repaint the remaining shed (we used to have two, but the wood one disintegrated) and the awning over the basement door. And we could dig out and replace the eroding clothesline poles. And the deck guy said he'd replace the boards on the picnic table, so those wouldn't be rotting anymore. Then we'd just have to get someone to hack up the half a willow tree that's hanging on the ground by the creek, take apart the dilapidated swimming pool, demolish the faded playhouse and do something with all the junk where the old shed used to be. =P Yikes. I'm hoping we'll get through at least a couple of the tasks this summer. Oh, I also need to paint around the windows so we can finally put up curtains and blinds. I don't really want to spend all summer with wide-open windows...

I was watching a very gimmicky TLC show last night called, "I Can Make You Thin," and I was trying to follow along and learn their "trick" for getting people past food cravings. This woman claimed she was getting 4-5 pounds of chocolate per day and was worried she wouldn't be around to see her tiny daughter grow up. So this British guy shows up and runs through this two-minute thing to make her stop wanting to eat chocolate: 1) Think of the nastiest food you can, that you hate the most and can't stand even being around, let alone eating; 2) Close your eyes and imagine eating that food, picking up a fork, putting it in your mouth, chewing it - the whole works; 3) Now imagine putting something else disgusting on top, like hair or earwax or slugs; 4) Now mix in the food(s) you can't stop eating; 5) At some point in the scenario, start pressing your middle finger and thumb together on your left hand. You're supposed to start associating the pressure of those two fingers with this notion of disgust. Now, I usually think I'm a pretty imaginative person, but in spite of my best efforts to envision chewing raw onion covered in lint and hair and loose change, I couldn't quite get it. The other half of the process was to squeeze your middle finger and thumb together on your right hand and associate that with thoughts and visions of times in your life that were very happy. I may have stopped watching before they indicated when you should squeeze which fingers, so my lesson stops there. I'm pretty sure the chocolate addict was squeezing her left hand whenever she was craving sweets, then rewarded herself by squeezing the right and knowing she'd be OK. Then sometimes she'd meditate and squeeze both... I guess that works? I think it would make more sense to train yourself to drink a glass of water every time you're craving food. Then you'd be drinking more and still having something enter your face, which is often a big part of why people eat compulsively. You all can go try out this technique... let me know if it works.

On that note, I think it's lunchtime (haha), so I'm off. Have a good one, kids!

spring fashion show

2008-03-27T17:10:00.000-05:00

I love the springy colors. Not in general, but on this blog. Very happy to change it up. The autumnal colors were more to usher in/match the new blog name, not to match the season, but I felt a shift was in order, even though the ground still has snow on it and it's almost too cold to rain. Curse you, Michigan!

My whole body tastes like garlic right now, or at least it feels that way. Nina and I stopped at La Zamaan for lunch after taking my wad of plastic bags to U-M's campus to be recycled and get my free reusable bag. Unfortunately, they weren't the coolest bags ever, and didn't look anything like they claimed they would on Facebook, but they probably ran out well before today. Oh, well. I should've gone yesterday when it was sunny and warmish, rather than today, when it's frigid and raining, but I kept forgetting and it was going on only during lunchtime. At least I went though!

I think I'm going to take a half day tomorrow and run errands in the afternoon. I have a package to mail from the post office and a giant IRA CD to apply for at Flagstar. If I don't do it, the government will come after me - my taxes were filed with the understanding that it would be done by April 15, so I don't want to forget! I really don't want to throw down two grand, but I know it's a good thing to do and it's not like I'll never see it again... I hope...

After that, I think I'll head over to Tod's. As far as I know, we'll be having dinner with his parents that night and hanging out together on Saturday, after he gets done with class in the morning. No plans as of yet, but there's the potential for NES action, as always! I wish there was another good game we could play together at his house, but we haven't come up with anything. Not that I can guarantee it will even work on my laptop, since nothing ever seems to work on any of my computers, but y'know - we can try!

I was looking at the Flickr page of a girl from my college journalism classes today. It made me feel a little envious, seeing her admittedly tiny 300-square-foot Manhattan apartment, all neat and cute and down the street from cool places. She's also a copy editor by interest, skill and trade, and even though big city living may not be something I'm shooting for, she's still made pretty awesome strides by anyone's standards. If I was offered the most amazing opportunity in NYC, I'd probably take it, but I'm not one of those young people who go on a random pilgrimage just to see if they can find work. Yikes! Maybe to Denver, but not to NYC.

I've been realizing lately how my standard Midwestern upbringing has hindered me. Obviously, that's how my parents were raised and there was little they could do to change it, nor would there be an obvious reason to, since they were fairly successful and never really wanted for anything. But my health suffers for it. Being raised on fatty, sugary, greasy foods produced bad body chemistry, something I have to work really hard to escape. On the same note, being raised on these foods means I have almost no desire to expand my palate. I wrote a very shallow review about Bab's on Yelp.com today, just because it's a meaningful place for me, but I realized I had almost nothing of great interest to say. That may be because I was drunk during the entirety of my visit, but I also thought about reviewing La Zamaan and realized I couldn't give any definitive answers about whether their falafel is better than Jerusalem Garden's, considering I've never had it at either place! I can say, "Hey, their garlic sauce is really good, and strong enough that you don't suffer too much when you realize you asked for your pita without tomatoes or pickles." I need to be able to eat everything on the plate to be a good food/restaurant reviewer. And while that isn't exactly my career goal, it just helps in general to have a desire to try new foods and broaden one's culinary horizons every once in a while. Also, my rearing days caused me to develop shyness, quietness, low self-esteem, negative body image, bad habits, a sedentary lifestyle, an inclination to sleep away troubles, no desire to work out or be active, paranoia and fear, oversensitivity, a screwed-up view of family and the ability to complain about everything. I'm also not particularly conscientious about protecting the environment (hence my need to work someplace that does, just so I'm doing something about it) and conserving resources. And while I can be a go-getter when I'm really in the mood, I'm not in the mood that often and I shouldn't have to be to get things done on a regular basis.

On the positive side... I'm frugal and responsible (most of the time) with money. I'm considerate and concerned with the people around me. I listen well and pay attention to details. I value education, learning and bettering myself as a person. Um, that's all I can think of right now. =\ Sadly, I think a lot of the things that are good about me, I've picked up over the years; they didn't start at home. A lot of what I know about the importance of family came from my grandparents in their final months on earth and the time I've spent with Tod's family in the past year. I don't blame my mom, having gone to work six or seven days a week to make ends meet and exceed our basic needs as her children, but I do blame my dad for some of it, abandoning us and expecting everything to be just magically OK without him. I love him, of course, but it still hurts to think about my mom and siblings going through the grief of their fighting and divorce, and my dad's remarriage to the main source of the split. It was hard enough for me having to interact with her and leave my mom to spend time with them, so I can't begin to imagine how much hurt had built up in our house before I was even conscious of it. =(

Gosh, journaling is good therapy. If only it could give me answers to my questions, it'd be a self-serve psychiatrist. If only...

This week has been pretty great in that I am free in the evenings. I wasted 4:15 to 8:30 last night, and probably will waste tonight, too, since the weather's crappy. Hey! Maybe I'll rent a movie! That sounds good. Maybe I'll finally get to watch "Becoming Jane," though Rotten Tomatoes doesn't give it a great rating... "The Jane Austen Book Club" got a higher one, and I've been wanting to see that too. Hmm. Then there's "The Razor's Edge" (the 1946 version) that Nina recommended. After learning that the book was written by W. Somerset Maugham, whose Of Human Bondage I loved when I was younger, I definitely wanted to see it. Probably should read the book first though... Oh, and "Into the Wild," which I've been wanting to see too. Sheesh! Choosing a movie is so much harder than it should be!

All right, enough for now. I'm tired and looking forward to going home for the day.

with a great office comes great responsibility

2008-03-26T10:55:00.000-05:00

I have taken up residence in my new office! I will try to snap some pictures just as soon as I finish putting things up and away (I really wanted to type "up, up and away," but I thought that, in combination with the post title, was too much - you have been spared).

Wow, I can hear birds from here! And they're not ducks!

Things I will miss about my cube: Nina being right next door, being able to overhear pretty much everything everyone is saying (and thus being able to answer questions and gather info without being addressed), being close to the recycling bin and copy machine, not having to lock all of the doors after hours because I wouldn't be able to hear people sneak in, having it be obvious I'm still in the office (and not risking being locked in with the alarm set, which I bet will happen at least once if I don't leave on time) lots of places to hang things, easy access to dogs and being easily accessible myself.

Things I'm not so sure I like about the new office: It's really quiet (time to bring in the iPod) and there's a heating vent in here, so when that turns on, it becomes much less quiet, but not in a good way. =P

Things I really like about the new office: Walls! A door! More desk space, more drawers/storage, being very close to an outside door so I can be late and fewer people will notice, a more malleable work space, easy access to the kitchen (not sure why that matters, but it's probably a good thing), maintaining at least most of the foot traffic I had in my cube but in a less intrusive way, having a computer monitor that doesn't face out toward the door and having space for people to come sit in my office should they so choose.

That's my semi-pro-con list for now. I'm sure more things will surface as I go along. It's unfortunate that the new digs didn't come with a flat-panel monitor, so I would no longer have this behemoth looking like an eyesore to passersby, but oh well.

I'm excited! Have a good day, all! =)

progress...

2008-03-25T18:35:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to move with deliberate slowness today. At lunchtime, I went home and cut ham slowly, took bites slowly and curled up under a blanket to watch "What Not To Wear." I should've eaten something healthier, but at least parts of the leftovers are now gone from my fridge so I can start working through the many, many salad fixings.

Another fortunate turn of events: job #2 is on pause for the rest of the week, or so it seems. It sounds as though the number of reports coming in will be too low to utilize on-call staff, so the in-house people will be taking care of them. Even though that means I don't earn a cent this week, I really do feel OK about that - I haven't felt like doing anything related to that job in the past few days.

I scheduled a doctor's appointment for April 9, which I've been meaning to do for a while, since I'll be without insurance again come May 15. Physicals were booked through June, the receptionist said, but once I told her of my plight, she finagled me in for much sooner. Hopefully everything will fall into place properly. I can't always count on my biology to work on other people's schedules though. (Ladies, you understand.)

The huge in-grown zit on my nose is depressing. I've been dabbing on cover-up all day, which probably isn't helping the situation, but I don't think anyone would understand if I galloped around pretending to guide Santa's sleigh, and I can't deal with its exposure without some comic relief.

I brought my hyacinths to work today, which has improved the aroma in my cube significantly. I probably will transport them back and forth from home some days, because I want to make sure they get sufficient light - it's not all about olfactory gratification, after all! I can't wait for the new office to smell fresh and flowery... mmm mmm. Also, now that I've broken in the new desk chair, I'm totally switching them back. I couldn't stand the hardness at first, but now it's sufficiently cushy. Hooray!

Did I mention that my latest batch of Threadless T-shirts came in the mail the other day? I'm only slightly obsessed with that site and its wares (or wears, whichever). Don't judge. Besides, how can I go wrong with a $9 sale (when the shirts are normally $17)? It's totally justified! Anyway, here's what I got: Fish Tank, Pickles..., Adorable Disaster, Inside You and Polar Gardening. So much cuteness! I can't wait to start wearing them.

I'm going to miss the cube environment a little bit. I can't hang things everywhere to make a dull wall more interesting, for one thing. There's a small chunk of bulletin board material underneath a cabinet in the new office, but nothing like the collage of craziness I have going on in here. All my origami fish, Alaska postcards, Tod-related memorabilia... Sigh. I'll have to figure out a way to showcase it.

I had some weird spearmint tea today. I'm not sure I liked it... at all. It had that weird toothpaste aftertaste that shows up sometimes and ends in a sort of mouth-drying bitterness that makes you wrinkle your nose. I've always been iffy on spearmint. Peppermint is almost always OK though. I bet it's those damn stemless leaves!

What other interesting crap can I link to today? Here's some cool poetry that my boss e-mailed me about (the link goes straight to one piece that I liked, but you can browse the rest easily). These would be even cuter with little eyes and beaks. Something funny (and true) that I've spent a good bit of time reading lately. One of my favorite food blogs (the photography fills me with joy). Lastly, this giant teddy bear birthday burger that showed up on A Hamburger Today (yes, I'm a regular reader). Enjoy, kids!

tinkerbell with a salt shaker stuck to her butt

2008-03-25T01:10:00.000-05:00

After one of the most uneventful days at work, I went over to Nina's to hang out. I got a voicemail from my landlord saying the electrician had fixed the issue, so all my power's back on, which fills me with unadulterated joy. Nina showed me her house (it was my first visit), introduced me to her landlords and their dog (a sweet yellow lab named Buddy) and offered to make dinner. We had delicious salads (red lettuce, carrots, bean sprouts, feta and Italian dressing) and leftover ham and potatoes (sweet and wax), and then we chatted while she made gingersnaps. Delicious!

I think I'm going to venture to Hiller's tomorrow night to get some salad-making supplies of my own. My dad left a bunch of stuff here on Sunday, but most of it is useless to me - particularly cucumber slices and chickpeas - so I'm going to fill in the blanks with my own stuff, then cook up the rest (tomatoes, mushrooms) some other way. Luckily, there's also a good bit of lettuce and carrots too. I only wish I'd asked to keep the garlic vinaigrette too. Oh, well!

One of things I discussed with Nina is my need to slow down. I think that issue actually shows up in several aspects of my life. The obvious ones are in tasks revolving around food - what's quickest to prepare? how short a time can I possibly let it cool before eating it? in how few bites can I finish it? I end up eating unhealthy foods and letting produce go bad, burning my mouth over and over and eating much more than I should in one sitting. I also do it with tasks at work, and even though I also try to do a really good job, I know I could invest a longer time in things, rather than thinking that finishing time is the most important thing. In general, I'm also an escapist. When something bad happens, I want to flee the scene immediately. Sometimes, I make mistakes, look like an idiot, get upset, feel disappointed, etc. In those instances, I want to run as far away as I can, as quickly as I can, and try to forget it ever happened. This is an awful way to deal with my problems, but I do it more often than even I realize. And, again, I think it's because I'm rushing. I think I need to make a snap decision and my instinctual mind says, "Get out of there!," before I can experience another thought. If I took a moment to breathe and think things through, I might not choose to run. Other things... taking time to chat with people, not always being worried about staying on a schedule, not feeling like my whole life has been ruined by not taking "full advantage" of a free afternoon, etc. I watch people who eat slowly and put down their other tasks to have conversations - I just can't imagine doing that! The world around me seems so fast paced, and I don't feel comfortable being any different, pausing for even a few moments. And even though I thrive on the "little things," I bet I miss half of them by rushing around like I do. So, my goal is to try to take things slower. I'm on a mission.

Also, my apartment smells like hyacinths. It's AMAZING! =D

zombie weekend

2008-03-24T18:05:00.000-05:00

It seems like people at work are in some sort of post-Easter funk. Does that happen?

Since the flood and the oven door, I've also experienced some electrical weirdness and a boil-water advisory for a tiny section of Ann Arbor that includes my apartment. Could it get any better? Now that my landlord has started the process of tinkering with the electrical outlet in the bathroom, I have no power to that room or my bedroom. I have to wait for an electrician to come out and address the situation, since it's outside my landlord's skill set. Under normal circumstances, if I were living here long-term, I would say, "OK, whatever," but I'm not. And while I do like to be fairly safe from electrical fires, can't it wait? I'm not going to get a moment's peace between now and May 31; I can just feel it. =( Ho hum.

It really is true that being out of shape and not participating in physical activity kills your sex drive. I never had much of one before I started dating Tod, and even though I chalk up a large portion of my passion to him, it also had to do with the fact that I was working out constantly. Once I stopped and moved to AA, the desire died. It comes back in fits and starts, but nothing solid, nothing ongoing. I'm tired all the time, feel self conscious all over again and find myself firmly entrenched in the strangling darkness of a bottomless pit. Is it really that dramatic? Believe it or not, it is. I know I shouldn't have to move back home and join the CCHHWC to get back in shape, but that's the only way I know how. Tiny steps don't work for me. It's either all or nothing. I need an elliptical and a wide variety of weight machines and a lap pool and a stretching area. I need access to spinning classes and yoga mats and personal trainers. I shouldn't, but I do! And even though it will mean paying a $200 startup fee come June 1, I still want to do it; it's not a flexible situation any longer.

Easter weekend went fine, I suppose. It was really nice having Friday off to spend with Tod. We tried to play Baldur's Gate together, but that didn't work out, so we played on my NES instead. After dinner with his parents, all of us minus his dad decorated Easter cookies. As at Christmas, Tod and I tried to come up with as many alternate uses for the generic cookie shapes as possible. The rabbits (which definitely didn't look like rabbits because of their tiny dwarf ears) were turned into a fish, frog, seahorse, strawberry, etc. I made a flower out of a cross and a hatching chick out of a plain egg. Good times. =) The drive home that night was awful, but I made it within an hour and didn't encounter too much trouble.

Sunday, the family came over for dinner. It went all right, but I don't plan to do it again for a long while, probably not until I have someone else to help me host, so I don't feel like I'm relying on my mom to keep me sane while everything (even the innocent stuff) grates on my nerves. Sigh. I could do without holidays sometimes.

Also a constant topic of conversation when my family is around... jobs. I don't have anything in mind right now aside from getting back in shape and increasing my hours with my second job. Even though I want to find a real job and head in one direction or another, I'm OK not knowing for now. I don't plan to leech off my mom forever, or even for very long, but I will be for a little while. I've gotten used to that idea, and I'm sticking with it for now. I hate talking about jobs with people who aren't even really linked to me, who I don't talk to on a regular basis, who don't know what other questions to ask besides, "How's the job hunt coming? Do you have any prospects?"

I suggested to a coworker that we hang out tonight, but I don't think I'm in the mood anymore. How to wiggle my way out of that... hmm...

Have a good week, friends.

average week

2008-03-20T07:20:00.000-05:00

I don't have much to report, honestly. I felt like I should poke my nose into the blogosphere momentarily, though, to avoid seeming like I fell off the face of the earth. Sorry, regular readers!

I'm preparing for Easter on Sunday at my place. It'll be the first holiday I've hosted in my 24 years on the planet, but it's only 3/4 hosting, really, since my mom is bringing half the food. Oh, well. I still have to clean and have everyone over - I guess that's a big part of hosting? Anyway, I do have a bit of cleaning and organizing to do before then, but I have plenty of time, with the day off tomorrow and Saturday. I hope to be at the "finishing touches" stage by Sunday morning. We'll see how that goes. =)

Tod and I went out yesterday. I decided I need to start actually leaving work early, rather than doing 8 hours when I should be doing only 7. When will I use the overtime? I've already amassed 14 hours of overtime, so I can take off almost two whole days, which may come in handy sometime between now and May 15, but it may not. No point in loitering around here an extra hour a day just because it's awkward to say, "Hey, I'm leaving early! (And you aren't!)"

Right, well, I met Tod over at the Salvation Army store on State St. yesterday afternoon to go shoe shopping for him. Unfortunately, the selection wasn't rife with suitable options, so he went away empty handed. I, however, left with a light blue/aqua pitcher that matches my overall color scheme of choice almost perfectly. It's small and pretty, perfect to put one of the beverages in on Sunday. Hooray!

After stealing from the poor, we went back to my place to decide what the next step would be. We ended up going to Bennigan's for dinner because I was craving both a hamburger and a pita sandwich and that is the only place I knew I could get a combination of the two. Yum! We briefly considered going to see "Enchanted" for $1.50 at the mall, but decided to hit up Hollywood Video instead for a free rental, getting "Rendition" and "Howl's Moving Castle." We watched the latter and it was super cute! I love (some) anime (sometimes). We shared a bowl of Thin Mint ice cream and then had some turmoil. Par for the course. =)

I just stepped away for an hour and a half for a meeting, so I need to refocus to finish this post... That was the first-ever business meeting in which Facebook has been accessed, maybe in the history of the world, but at least in the history of my world. Good times.

I'm hoping there will be at least a little more to do for job #2 tonight, but I'm kind of looking forward to a free Friday, so I'd almost rather run out after that. We'll see though!

Did I mention I get an office soon? I can't remember. But I do! I'm allowed to start moving stuff over there whenever I want, so that's pretty sweet, even if it is for only a month and a half. I won't have my computer monitor facing out for all the world to see me blogging, Facebooking and reading Web comics! And I'll be able to close my door to make phone calls and eat lunch. It's going to be blissful. =D

We get out at 4 o'clock today, which makes me very happy. I'm going to clean. How many times can I mention that in one post, you ask? ONE MILLION.

All right, I'm done for now. Have a good Easter, kidlets!

reflections on one year

2008-03-17T15:55:00.000-05:00

Today marks one year of togetherness with Tod. Well, it marks an approximate year, since this was the day the romance started, but the relationship came a little bit later, after we'd had several nighttime conversations in cars all over Chelsea. That used to be a fairly regular facet of our interaction, but that's waned a bit now that we can have conversations at our respective homes away from prying eyes. I kind of miss those weird, disconnected "dates" though. =)

One of the weird things about dating Tod is thinking of him as "that kid I went to high school with." My friends and I used to have, "...but it's TOD!" moments all the time, but we're past that now. Now, it's more like I'm in awe of dating someone I used to know as a totally separate entity, with a different group of friends, a different level of coolness, a distinct separation from me. Now he's with me, and we're together, and all those boundaries have been crossed without too much difficulty. It's a bit surreal, even though that makes me sound like a total dweeb.

I really love Tod. When I think of moving far away and leaving him behind, I realize I don't want to move far away anymore. I'd like to live somewhere new, but I'd rather take him with me, or be there for a limited time. I know our relationship could survive separation, but I wouldn't want to do it on purpose.

(Insert huge break for an Indian lunch trip...)

I just talked to Tod and it sounds like he's having a crappy day so far. =( Poor guy. I hope it gets better...

Anyway, here's a recap of what happened last year on this day... I was invited to go out with Jen, the old conservation intern at DU, and we arranged to park at and leave from Erin's house (my predecessor), even though she wasn't actually going with us. (Coincidentally, we did see her later in the evening at Bab's, but it wasn't planned.) It was within acceptable walking distance from downtown, perfect for St. Patrick's Day frolicking. I invited Mandy, Tod and Kevin to come along and we met at my house before heading out. We walked by the outdoor St. Pat's revelry and went to Arbor Brewing Co. for a while. I remember there being a talkative man there wearing a large green Dr. Seuss-style hat. I felt like I should be flirty since it was a day of drunkenness and I was young and carefree, but we all know (or at least most of us) that I'm super awkward and lacking in all social skills, so I'm sure it didn't come off that way.

Did we go anywhere else before Babs'? I don't really remember. We ended up there, though, and I really liked that place. It was dim and quiet and fancy. We sat at a long bar-type table with stools on either side. I arm wrestled Tod and the bouncer bought me a drink for winning. Tod also bought me a drink. I had my first Irish car bomb, which was tasty. At some point, Tod and I started holding hands under the table and looking at each other all cute like. This was after some hand-touching events while petting cats and sitting on the couch at Kevin's, but this was direct and unashamed, so it was a different level altogether. We held hands on our way back to the car. Mandy told me later she tried to walk ahead and avoid looking at us. She had been drinking, so I can't imagine how awkward Kevin must've felt, being stone sober, as he was the whole night. I remember Tod pausing to bury his face in my neck and inhale before we parted ways to get in the car. That was a really nice moment. =)

When we got back, Tod asked to use the bathroom before going home. We ended up kissing in the entryway and he stayed at my place quite a bit longer than planned. No details there, but it was sort of awkward, sort of scandalous and a lot of fun. From there, we had our talks and our, "Should we? Shouldn't we?" worries and frustrations. We had our friend-loss drama, our breakup, our reuniting, our secret rendezvous weekends when his parents went out of town. Now we're celebrating one year together and it's still pretty darn sweet. I'm very lucky to have him in my life.

I love you, nugget! ♥

lamplit love

2008-03-14T23:50:00.000-05:00

I am writing this post from Tod's bedroom, watching him read his no-doubt science fiction book by the golden light of a potpourri-filled table lamp. Though I would love to be lying next to him, I am working on my second job. Le sigh. Sitting here like this reminds me how much I love him though. That part is nice. =) He's so incredibly adorable and sweet and fun to be around. It's been a long time since we had a "deep" or "intelligent" discussion, but I know he's still as brilliant as ever. I told him he was a good boyfriend tonight and that seemed to make him very happy, like he hadn't been sure this whole time. Despite wanting romance, I'm not sure I'm good at initiating it myself, which makes me sort of a hypocrite in the love department. =\ Maybe I'll get past that someday, when I'm not working all the time. For now, though, I hope my love and its ill-expressedness is enough for him.

We just spent a great evening together. He made me dinner - hand-breaded chicken tenders and mixed veggies - then took me out for ice cream in Chelsea. We took a short walk around the yard (like homebound old people, I said) and petted his kitty together. It was nice. I'm sad he has to work so early tomorrow and can't stay up late talking tonight. It's cozy here in the log cabin - sort of like a whole separate world, set away in the woods somewhere, even though we're only five minutes outside of town. I wish it really was a world unto itself sometimes.

I should get back to work for now. I hope everyone's having a good weekend so far. =)

realistic fantasy

2008-03-13T11:40:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty sure I hate television. And movies. And anything else that is meant to be entertaining but instead elevates my levels of paranoia. I miss the lighthearted sitcoms and animated shorts of my youth. And while my mind should be strong enough to resist the frightening images that pelt me today, I guess it just isn't.

Rewinding... Last night, I went home to visit with my mom, pick up the last of my clean clothes, eat some Chinese food and remove my groceries from the fridge - the final stages of moving back to my apartment. After I forced her to watch "The Moment of Truth," that terrible FOX show in which people are subject to lie detector tests for money, she reclaimed the remote and turned on one of the "Law & Order" spin-offs. The first two minutes featured several disconnected images, one of which was a woman being shot through her kitchen window while (I think) washing dishes. She was a Supreme Court justice's wife. The scariest part was that this "professional" shooter first hit her in the shoulder, after which she had time to reach up, touch the wound and grab the lip of the sink for support. Then he shot her in the chest, equally silent, this time deadly. Immediately, my chest tightened and I started imagining my loved ones being shot through their kitchen windows for no apparent reason. I envisioned all the lunatics who have televisions, watching "Law & Order" and other shows to figure out more awful ways to kill and torture people. I know the population of cold-blooded murderers is probably pretty small, but why give them more with which to work??

I've always had this issue with entertainment. I have refused to watch horror movies since my dad dragged me to the theater at the age of 4 to see "Arachnophobia" with the rest of his new family. I was literally cowering under the seat, crying, the soles of my tiny sneakers all sticky from spilled soda. Who does that to a child who's already timid and shy and obviously skittish? I won't say it was "Arachnophobia" that ruined me, because I know the paranoia started before that. I'd been sleeping with my mom since my parents divorced, which continued until I was deemed "too old," and then took to dragging a sleeping bag into the living room after spending the night on the other end of a mostly empty house was unbearable. Seeing "Scream" at a friend's birthday party in 1996 worsened my condition, taking my paranoia in all directions at once, leaving me yanking back shower curtains, checking under beds, refusing to crawl under the covers until I'd opened the closets and pushed back the clothes to find all the serial rapists and murderers that surely were hiding therein.

Those last few habits are with me today. I've abandoned the nightly "checks" of the house - are the doors locked? are the windows whole? are there large men with clubs in the pantry? - and the monthly bat checks of the basement (not for bats, but with a bat), but I still slide open the glass door on my shower, crouch to look under my bed before getting in it, push back the longer garments in my closet. I flip on the hall light just one more time to make sure the door is bolted and chained. I stand in empty rooms for at least 15 seconds, allowing my eyes to adjust, checking for movement, strange lights, disturbance. This is me at 23 - what will I be like at 40?

One of the most striking things about this paranoia of mine is how vividly I remember what most people would consider the lamest moments in movie/television history. Many tendencies of mine stem from precisely those moments. For example, the disembowelment scene that kicks off "Scream"? I was in tears and had visions of that for months. The "Scream" mask flashed in front of my eyes every time I pulled open a shower curtain too fast or couldn't see in the dark quickly enough to discern movement. There was an episode of "Married with Children" in which Al and Peg go to a seedy hotel in Florida and end up with a fugitive ax murderer under their bed. Now, people, "Married with Children" is a COMEDY, but I couldn't get past the image of an ax coming up at me, right in the middle of my bed. Hence the crouching. After that sniper moment on "Law & Order" last night, I had a nightmare about someone breaking in to my apartment. I hadn't locked the door right after entering (which really happened last night and made me momentarily panicked) and someone had slipped in. When I realized my mistake, I reached for the door, knowing in my gut someone was inside with me. At that moment, something snapped inside me, like a big twinge in my spine, my brain, then a ringing started in my ears, a buzz that took away my hearing altogether, like I'd been hit on the head or shot. I woke up shaking, glancing around with wide eyes, guarding my face with my flannel comforter and outstretched arms.

When I'm alone at night, I insist on falling asleep on my back, a position from which I can see my entire bedroom. I don't put my hands over my heart as often anymore, having realized the tiny bones probably wouldn't shield my internal organs from a bullet fired at close range. I need to have a fan going so the quieter nighttime noises won't keep me awake. Finally I've been able to start leaving my bedroom door open at night, knowing it'll be an icebox come morning if I close myself in with said fan.

I can't blame all my fears on entertainment, but they are a significant part of it. The well-crafted images of horror and strife do a great job of sticking with me for years. So much so that I can't bear to watch any more than are forced on me by others, in inescapable situations. The only scary movies I can handle are ones that are obscenely unrealistic ("The Village") and/or involve 1960s monsters that resemble giant sea turtles. "Cloverfield" was tolerable, but nothing - and I mean nothing - from the Ring-Hostel-Saw-Massacre genre ever will be. I watched an entire episode of another "Law & Order" spin-off in which a man was keeping bloodied women in his basement. Somehow I emerged unscathed, but it was nothing short of a miracle. I thoroughly dislike basements now, unless they're finished, warm, well lit and homey. Dark corners and hidden rooms are not OK with me. Also, if a place has chains or hooks hanging from the ceiling, count me out. You're planning a trip to an old, abandoned mental hospital? I'm busy that day; don't bother asking.

I'd like to say I hope to get past this some day, but while I do hope that, I'm almost certain it won't happen. It's gone on long enough to be a defining part of me. It makes me want to boycott movies and television altogether... you know, besides Style, TLC, HGTV and the Food Network. And at least I know I'm safe when I curl up with a "Gilmore girls" DVD. I'm glad there's one series that will never let me down.

!!!

2008-03-10T15:15:00.000-05:00

I got it! It's here! And it's beautiful!

defined

2008-03-10T11:50:00.000-05:00

There is no better way to describe my issues than this: http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/chronic-depression-dysthymia. There's an even better, more in-depth description here: http://www.allaboutdepression.com/dia_04.html. I'd forgotten about dysthymia all this time.

So, I haven't really felt like posting lately. I've been living at home since the flood and I think I'll be able to move back in tomorrow, once I load up all my stuff and make my way back over there. I'm going to check things out at lunchtime today, just to be sure it's ready. Just to add a cherry to the already gargantuan flood ice cream sundae, the company replacing the flooring managed to break the glass on my oven door while moving it back into place. Seriously? That's just too much. I'm happy to hear the flooring has been taken care of in all of the rooms, so I don't have to figure out how much rent to trim off because I'm walking around on bare concrete.

My new computer may arrive today! According to DHL's Web site, it's with a delivery courier out of Romulus, Mich., so I have high hopes of a day-early delivery. Not that I'm scrambling to find a place to do my work, but that would make the transition back into my apartment almost entirely seamless, not leaving me without a way to do my second job, as I would've faced before once I left my mom's. I'm still ruing not scaling down my build a bit to save money, but I know the ridiculous speed of my machine will be worth it. It better be, anyway...

I stayed up too late last night watching "Gilmore girls." After coming home from Tod's, I thought I'd finish the episode I'm pretty sure I fell asleep during, but it ended with grandpa Gilmore having a heart attack, so I obviously couldn't stop there! So I watched the next episode and went to sleep around midnight. I'm dragging a bit today, despite getting 10 hours of sleep a night over the weekend. And now that we're out of white tea, I'm drinking green, which is fine, and probably better for me. Once I move back into the apartment, I need to get back on track. Going to the church nearby means I can work out for free at the local health club on Saturday and Sunday afternoons, 1-6, so I'm going to try to do that as often as possible. If they offer a month-to-month situation with low start-up costs, I may do that, too, through May. There's a place on Washtenaw that charges only $10-20/month, but it is a bit out of the way, so $40/mo for something I'm more likely to use may make more sense for me. We'll see. I just need to start feeling better, especially when the weather's improving.

The past several days... I don't remember much going on during the week. I visited with Vicki, Ed and Ryan, who came out from Nebraska last week. I had Vietnamese food with them, Ben and Jo on Wednesday. That was after I had an eye exam during the workday and came back unable to look at the computer because of the pupil dilation. It was like when you take a video of a computer screen and it flashes like crazy - I thought my head was going to explode. But I found out I needed a higher prescription in my contacts (and likely several steps higher in my glasses, but that won't happen for a while), which is good. Anyway, I also saw the whole crew for lunch on Thursday, and they took a tour of my office while they were here.

Thursday night I got to meet Tod's new library coworkers, all of whom are very nice. There's one other guy within his department: a dad who's really excited about his tiny son. The rest of them are women of varying ages, from pretty close to our age all the way through grandma status. I think I liked his boss and her partner the best - they were very amiable gals. We had food and drinks at Sidetrack in Ypsi and I ordered a Lindeman's Framboise Lambic, not realizing it would cost $8 (!!!!) for one bottle. Tod and I then shared a gigantic Woodchuck, which cost considerably less and was twice as big. I know what to get from now on...

I got to see Tod Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights, and most of the day on Sunday, which made for a very nice weekend on my end (hopefully his too). We watched "Death at a Funeral" and "Knocked Up" (which we first saw at the theater with Mandy during our month-long broken-up period), as well as the last 5 minutes of an episode of Gilmore. On Sunday, we drove to Marshall, Mich., to have dinner with my dad's family at Schuler's. My dad turned 60 yesterday, which I think should come as a huge shock to all of our systems (my family's, not my readers') because of the landmark quality of that age. He is 60, my mom will be 60 and my sister will be 40. Even my brother turning 33 is going to seem weird, because he's closer to my age and doesn't seem so unreachable in his elderliness. Luckily, I will be a random 24, which is: a) my favorite number of all time, and b) not 25 or some other notable number. Phew. I wonder if we're going to do anything to mark 40 for my sister... we didn't celebrate my brother-in-law's 40th last year, so that might seem rude. Hmm.

Back on topic, sheesh. Tod napped while I drove back from Marshall and no sooner did we cuddle up in his bed for some shut eye than his parents walked in the door with the tiny dog. Disappointing. =\ We sat around for a little bit while his mom fretted about what she would feed us, despite Tod's insistence that we weren't hungry. I think she might've been afraid I would just leave and not visit with them if there was no food on the horizon. =P Silly moms. Tod and I played a little DDR while she baked her hand-breaded chicken tenders (geez) and set out a spread of dips, veggies, cookies, bread, chips, etc. It was way over the top for a casual Sunday meal after we'd already eaten enough "dinner" at the restaurant. But it was nice, and appreciated. We all watched and complained about "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," then Bev slept while the three of us watched "Law & Order," featuring a fake Jack Kevorkian guy and a disappointingly bland ending.

We have two Web site meetings at work this week, which is exciting. We're moving forward! Two more will happen next week, and one the week after. It'll be good to get input and keep pressing on. I'd love to have some updated Adobe software for creating and editing images, but I'll have to stick with Photoshop 6.0 for now, since NHQ didn't come through with the extra licenses as promised. Jana got her Mac under the impression they had extra licenses for the Adobe CS3 suite, but they don't, which means she'll keep using her old PC until we get something. It'll be a few weeks, I'm sure. Maybe after that, but I bet not, for some reason. They'll forget or give it to someone else; that's usually how it goes. I'm used to it. Speaking of, I need to start looking for jobs...

enjoy!

2008-03-06T19:10:00.000-06:00

In 1m 54s

Click here to Play

reactionary

2008-03-04T16:50:00.000-06:00

I'm such a doofus. I feel as though I'm going to ruin my relationship with Tod by getting so freaked out and not being able to hide it properly. I believe everything he tells me, but I know he's a thoughtful guy and will spend time pondering situations and things about me, possibly until he realizes they are no good. That is what I worry about, not just the initial response to my, "We're OK, right?" query of desperation.

Basically, when something seems off, I get worried. And things seem off much more often than I'd like. Combining that with PMS is absolutely lethal, and that's the situation in which I find myself today. I spoke with Tod just a little bit ago, when he called me back after his shower. I had wanted to chat with him at length as usual, but then he said he had to go, because he'd showered late, was eating his lunch and then had to head out for work. I was all, "But... what? Where are you going? Why now? Why didn't we talk earlier then?" So it came out all jumbled and full of anguish and fear and (unfortunately) blame. When, really, I was just feeling down about the day and running high on hormones and emotions. So I started crying, which upset him. I hate doing that. I thought I was getting better about it, but one issue like this (premenstrual or not) gets me all freaked out that he's going to get frustrated and call the whole thing off.

Sometimes I get sick of being me. =( I'm sorry, honey. I promise I'm working on it!!

I was looking up jobs today and found this posting from the Turtle Hospital in Marathon, Fla. (in the Keys). So cool! I'm sure they wouldn't want me, but it would be a great experience. Kristin (my current boss) has a close friend whose sister works at the National Marine Life Center in Buzzards Bay, Mass. I mentioned my tentative idea to spend the summer in New England and she e-mailed her friend to see if there were any job opportunities out there. The ties are loose, but maybe something will turn up - I would love to work at a place like that!

Speaking of jobs, I found out today that my boss is going to lose pretty much her whole department after Jana and I leave. The budget is increasingly tight, so they're taking away her public affairs intern (my old spot) and making graphic design strictly an internship (no room for advancement, as there was when Jana started). So, as much as my boss was afraid of the team being even slightly fractured, she's going to have the whole thing taken away instead. I feel bad for her. =( I hope whatever GD student they find is highly motivated and talented enough to at least try out Jana's shoes, even if they're too big for a while. I said I'd be willing to edit for free from wherever I might be, but my boss said that's something I should get paid for - blah, blah, blah. Honestly, I love editing, and I know how to do it for our publications, so I'd be more than willing to help out if need be. I doubt they'll ask, but hey, I'll be around.

We have a conference call in 10 minutes. I'm looking forward to sitting quietly for a half hour. Jana just came over to ask a question and I almost burst into tears again because there was confusion over the capitalization of region names. Clearly PMS. I need to avoid talking to people for the rest of the day. =\

reading the label

2008-03-04T10:45:00.000-06:00

So, apparently, this white tea isn't decaffeinated. I swear I read that on the tin at some point, but I must've been dreaming. At least the caffeine levels are fairly low (less than 15 mg per 6-oz cup), but I was all, "Yay, no caffeine for me!" for the past week. Bother. At least I cut out caffeinated soda, which probably helps a lot more than the tea hurts. Even after four cups during the day, I'm still at only 60 mg of caffeine. The Pepsi One I'd started to love because it used Splenda instead of aspartame has 55.5 mg per can. Diet Pepsi has 36. Diet Mountain Dew (which I drink at home) has 55. So, by the time I drank my DP at lunch and my DMD at dinnertime, I had racked up 91 mg already, and that's if I didn't have a cup of coffee in the morning or another random installment of soda or tea. At least I've cut back significantly!

And I'm still on track with my sleep. Though I faltered by about a half-hour a few times, I'm still saying I've been doing at least 8 hours for 11 nights. Balancing that with not doing any physical activity leaves me feeling just about the same as I always do - just imagine how much better it would be if I were doing something! =P I have to get on that soon.

Tod came over last night and we watched "As You Like It," set awkwardly in Japan, starring Bryce Dallas Howard, from my favorite, "The Village," and "Lady in the Water." Apparently she was also in "Spider Man 3"? Who knew? Anyway, Tod and I met up at the library, where I borrowed that, the first season of "October Road" and two travel books. Then Tod got Wendy's and met me at home for dinner and the movie. It was good times. A relaxing evening together on the futon. =)

I really would like to copy edit for a publication somewhere. The idealistic part of me keeps thinking about loving some place out east like Boston and searching for work there. It would be great to be in a busy newsroom. I've never really had the opportunity to work in an environment like that, and I think it would be great experience, considering the degree I have. Now, I'm not so sure about any old daily newspaper, but a magazine would be great, a prestigious paper, etc. - something that seems worth enduring.

Anyway, enough of that for this morning. I'm off to work.

new england adventure?

2008-03-03T18:15:00.000-06:00

I've been watching a lot of "Gilmore girls" lately. I just finished watching all of season 6 (in less than a week) and am getting ready to embark on the ever-elusive season 7, which I've yet to see. This immersion into fictional Stars Hollow has made me want to visit New England, specifically small-town Connecticut, the seashore, old Boston and Cambridge. Now, despite loving the idea of travel, I really haven't done much. I've been to South Carolina several times, mostly with my mom, mostly to visit my grandma and hang out playing Skip-Bo all day. The one time I was there for something different, I spent 95% of my time on Fripp Island and made one quick two-day visit to Charleston. Other than that, I've been to Europe once when I was too young to appreciate it and had everything set up by tour guides and my band teacher. I went to Cocoa Beach, Fla., with Mandy for spring break during college. I went with my mom and her boyfriend to Maine, New York and through New England in 1996. I drove out to Colorado with my youth group for a short conference in Fort Collins, Colo., in 2000. That's pretty much it. Anything else has been pretty minor and short distance. Do I really have the gumption necessary to set off on a real live road trip?

I keep thinking about it and idealizing the ability to just pick up and go somewhere. I can't imagine doing it without a shred of a plan, mostly because I'd hate to show up in every single place just a few days after some big, awesome event for which I should've been there. And, ideally, I can have a tentative, loosely bound plan that allows me to stop along the way and look up further details on my laptop before moving on. There are places I definitely want to visit, but I'm afraid I won't get to enjoy them thoroughly if I'm constantly stressed about where I'm going next and how long I have before I need to be there. I just want to enjoy walking around Walden Pond, visiting Harvard's campus in Cambridge, touring Cape Cod and the other seaside communities.

The more I think about New England, the more I remember how many other great places there are in the country, how I should venture farther south and visit D.C., Virginia, North Carolina. If I could take three months, I would go from Maine to North Carolina. Maybe I could do it all in less time, but I just don't know. We'll have to see. The beauty of playing it cool is that I could just say, "Hey, I'll be done when I'm done, or when I think I've spent too much money." So I could be gone for the month of June, or June through August, or June through October. That would be awesome. Unlikely, but awesome. I suppose if I fell in love with a place, I could stay there longer, but I could stand sleeping in my car for only so long.

Mostly, what I have to overcome is motivation. I have to get in my car and go that first day, but more than that, I have to get up early every day and take in everything I can. Unless the weather is really horrid, I need to go out rain or shine, stay on whatever schedule I've planned and take in everything I can while I can - how many more chances do we get to see the world? Maybe I could do this when I'm older, married, have vacation time saved up, but usually those vacations are more strictly planned. I want to be able to just take off and make a go of it without worrying about making it here, here and here in the week I have away from the office.

I'm going to e-mail my DU colleagues out east and see if they have suggestions. About.com is a pretty good source of things I have to see and do while I'm there. I'll probably go to the library in the next couple days and see if I can find Frommer's guides or other resources to look through.

Once I've done all that and let the excitement wane, I'll see if it's actually meant to be. I've gotten my hopes about things like this before - mostly about Colorado, right before I got my DU internship - and while it would be nice to find another job, I don't want to put this idea on hold again. I figure, wherever I go, so long as it's somewhere new, will be great. It could be Colorado, California, Canada or the Northeast. I know I'm not going abroad anytime soon, so at least I can limit it to the United States for now!

dell: like banging my head against a brick wall

2008-02-29T16:30:00.000-06:00

I really hope it's over now, this agonizing process of choosing, building, modifying, ordering, canceling and reordering a laptop. I've ended up with the most ridiculously overpowered machine on the face of the planet, so I hope I can keep it in working condition for the same length of time my previous computer was in commission, or longer.

I was at the office until after 8 last night trying to get all the kinks worked out in the ordering process and I've been on the phone no less than three times today trying to figure out what's going on and if everything is as it should be. I want to rend my garments at this point.

If I'm lucky and everything turns out right, I will be getting a Dell Inspiron 1420 with a 2.4GHz Intel Core2Duo processor (800MHz FSB, 3MB L2 Cache), 3GB RAM, 250GB 5400RPM hard drive, built in wireless and bluetooth, a 128MB NVidia graphics card, etc. It's also going to be green. Even though I would've preferred the purple 1525, I couldn't take my eyes off the clarity of the display on the 1420 at Best Buy. I know I wouldn't be using them side by side on a regular basis, but I fell in love with the smooth lines, so sue me.

My initial order (placed two nights ago) had a 2.0GHz processor and was $30 cheaper. I couldn't put it on my credit card because my limit is ridiculously low (I need to do something about that, come to think of it...), so I put it on my mom's, in the hope that I could cancel it the following day and put it on mine. In the end, I still couldn't use my card, but I ended up with a better computer for less money because of a new coupon code that was issued yesterday. I felt kind of guilty, but that's the way it goes. I should've been less selfish and taken off the nicer graphics card and the crazy processor, because then I would've saved about $150, but I didn't. I just hope I'm so enamored with the speed and beauty that is this new laptop that I won't think twice about it. Plus, putting it on my mom's card means I can pay it back in smaller increments, which won't put as ridiculous a strain on my savings. It will still make me sweat, but I should be able to handle it better.

I have three more hours to do tonight for job #2. I'm leaving the office at 4:30 today for the follow-up appointment with my gum specialist; hopefully I check out all right. Then I'm going to stop by my apartment and see what's shaking there. I heard from my landlord today that I may be able to move back in as early as Tuesday, so it'll be a busy week, I imagine. I've been staring longingly at this roasted spiced sweet potatoes recipe, so maybe I should buy the yams (I know, they're different) tonight and make them at home before I have to transition back to Casa del Agua. I'm going to miss being at home...

So, Tod is pretty gosh darn sick (say that aloud with a Minnesota accent, please), so it sounds like our tentative plans to visit GR will have to be put on hold. Though, by the sounds of the weather, that may be for the best. Also, we wouldn't have left tonight anyway, so we wouldn't really be taking advantage of Tod's lack of work on Saturday, aside from the fact that he wouldn't be tired from waking up early to teach. He's on spring break this week, so no class, and he's not working at the library, but it's probably better for him to take it easy. Maybe I can come over and hang with him or something. We'll see how it all pans out.

I love that it's basically a nonexistent day today. We should've been able to go home early and skip work altogether. I would've been done with job #2 by now! But I've gotten several things done today, so it hasn't been a total waste. I'm not looking forward to the snowy conditions that await me outside, but hopefully the drive home won't be too bad. I hope Meijer has cheap sweet potatoes...

I was never that girl... can I be her now?

2008-02-28T11:30:00.000-06:00

I just spent a few minutes perusing the pictures of a girl who was in my high school youth group. It pulled at my heart a little bit because I always wanted to be one of those happy, fun-loving, strong Christian college girls. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? For those who know her, I was looking at Vanessa's photos. She was raised by Christians, still is one, and seems to have a super sweet disposition that I've never been able to grasp for myself. Even when I was in college and attending Christian functions, I still didn't feel like I fit in that circle. I always really wanted to, but didn't. I was raised cynical, negative, shy, unhappy. I've never been able to break out of that shell. Will I ever get there? I doubt I'll ever get to go back in time, be a college student, be part of youth groups and women's bible studies and prayer circles. I don't know what my beliefs are anymore, so that's not really an option at this point anyway. But I really do wish I could fill in the blanks in my personality, the spaces where something's lacking and I feel dead inside, or at least severely hindered.

I always used to try to figure out what was wrong with me. I thought it was unhealthiness, so I eventually, finally, started working out and trying to eat better. It helped a little. Maybe if I'd kept that going I'd see a difference now, but I didn't, I don't, I'm stuck again. It's frightening to think that there may be some random chemical imbalance in my brain messing with my quality of life. So many people deal with it, it doesn't surprise me, but it does upset me. It makes me feel as though I should be able to break free much more easily than others who are kept down by stronger forces - physical impediments, other handicaps, disorders, poverty, leprosy, really bad allergies... But those people often end up being the ones who are stronger and more able to deal with what life tosses their way! I wish I could handle what I've been dealt. I wish I could take hold of those cards more firmly, throw out the ones I don't want, take some new ones, try to make a flush. (Oh, poker analogies... I am groaning aloud.) Instead I'm buckling under the pressure, almost to the point of folding, without even taking a real inventory of my cards, analyzing my odds and trying to make something out of what feels like a palmful of nothing.

I love how every other post of mine ends up like this... My goal is actually to build myself up and try to talk myself out of a bad mood, but it ends up sounding like I'm standing on a ledge somewhere, ready to heave my body into rush-hour traffic. I'm not! Please don't worry! I just want a freer spirit. My whole problem is internal. I know this because I've tried to blame it on the people around me (not necessarily the current set, but those of the past as well) and haven't found any success. What really happens is that I start feeling incomplete, unhappy and restless, then I start deconstructing my relationships with other people. I don't blame them, necessarily, but I think that those bonds are what's holding me back from realizing my potential. When in reality, I'm just easily bored. If I just found a way to occupy my mind, my time, my energy, I could avoid hurting the people around me and destroying something that was absolutely fine before, that needed no improvement.

Because I know this about myself, I start to overcompensate by worrying about losing the people around me, about hurting them or being hard to get along with. So I apologize all the time, I get ultra-sensitive, I end up pushing them away anyway. I'm a real mess, huh? On the one hand, I fear my own destructive nature. On the other, I fear their freedom to change their minds about me, so even if I finally succeed in not killing another relationship, they can still deal out the final blow and ruin all my hard work. I just need to get to a point where I'm less invested in all this. I still want to love, be loved, do good things for people, accept praise and affection... I just want to stop fretting about what I can't change, stop analyzing situations and people so much, start letting go of my worries and my insecurities. The saddest part, I think, is knowing what needs to happen, seeing it there waiting for me, and not having a clue how to get to it. I not only can't pick a path, I can't even see a path that I don't already know will end in more trouble. I've tried a few and now I'm left with a sort of vacant prairie scene and not a single broken patch of grass to indicate another's footstep, a way to go. I guess I could just start walking and see where it takes me, but again, I've been there. And I'm afraid I'd end up in smoky bars with transvestites (just an example! I've never been to one!) or down in Central America with drug runners and prostitutes. Or maybe I'd just try really, really hard and wear myself out to the point where I can't even move anymore, so I curl up and die in the middle of a field criss-crossed in my wanderlust. I know I need at least one companion for this journey. And while I have a ton of good friends who I care about and who care about me, none of them are looking to take a journey right now, as far as I can tell. They've got good things going and/or are not prepared to step out and try something totally new. And I want to leave them be to live their lives. If I don't, I fear I will start projecting my own need to break free on them, and end up weighing them down instead of providing mutual support on our trip.

Gosh, these analogies are killing me. They make me laugh a little too. =)

I see so many people around me that I don't so much envy (a step in and of itself!) but admire. I admire Jana for her carefree attitude and her lack of concern for what others think about her. It's hard to explain how that manifests itself, how to phrase it strongly enough to mimic that manifestation, but it's there anyway. You'd know it if you met her. I think some of that strength comes from her great relationship with her husband, but most of it is inside her. She's been a waitress and a McDonald's employee and a struggling student and a wayward European making her way in America. Now she's a successful, talented graphic designer earning the respect of her coworkers and her peers. It's just very cool.

That's one example of an amazing person I know, but there are so many others. The problem I find is that I'm too scared to approach them, to absorb some of their confidence and energy by being around them, because they are so busy and involved in the world. They don't wait around hoping someone else will be free for dinner. If I ask two weeks in advance, maybe, but then I feel like a dweeb saying, "How 'bout next Friday? We could have tea and talk? No? What about..." And no one's mean about it, but everyone's lives are packed to the brim. I always feel like I have so much to do because of work, but others have even more, because they fill in the nooks and crannies with friends, family, service, fun. I rarely have fun anymore. I see Mandy and Carla on occasion, I get to hang out with Tod when he gets out of work, I have the occasional comedic chat with Nina or Blair, nice lunch with Kristin and Jana or fun e-mail exchange with other coworkers, but that's it. Mostly, I am sad. When I'm not, I'm attempting to bolster myself with meaningless drivel, like getting a new computer or not eating an entire box of cookies in one sitting. And while it's OK to be happy about those things, they should be secondary joys of momentary status, not what keeps you afloat from one day to the next. I rely so much on cute e-mails from Tod that I really do feel quite downtrodden when I don't get one during the day, even though neither of us really have anything cool or interesting to report.

Gosh, I'm going on; I need to stop.

To wrap this up, thanks for the therapy, journal. And thanks to my readers for reading about all my insanity. I know everyone deals with this from time to time, and some deal with it more often than even I do, but it sure feels like it's overwhelming my life. Each day I wake up more tired, each minute I worry more about what I'm not doing, what I need to be finishing, what's going to happen later, tomorrow, next week. I worry that I just wasted an entire week and wonder what I could've done differently. It's so hard for me to adopt Tod's mentality: "If I'm willing to spend $100 on something and it ends up being something I don't like, that $100 is lost already. There's nothing I can do about it. There's no reason to be upset that it turned out wrong." Instead I'm clamoring for excuses to return it, researching ways to turn back the world's clock and make a different decision, going crazy trying to make the "right" decision before I lay the $100 down. That's why I've spent the past four days pulling out my hair over laptops. The decision has been made now and I fear it was the wrong one, but I did the best I could and now I'm holding my breath till it comes in the mail. I should be happy with it either way, but knowing me... it's a toss up.

decaffeinated daze

2008-02-27T17:15:00.000-06:00

Days without caffeine: 4
Nights getting 8+ hours of sleep: 6
Days being sick: 6?

I realized today I was sick this exact same time last month. That does not say good things about my immune system, does it? I am weak. I also managed to get Tod sick, too, which seemed impossible until now. Luckily, he is OK with swilling Dayquil, so that should keep his symptoms at bay while he's bookmobiling tonight.

All day Tuesday was spent in a meeting with the director of the creative service department at our national headquarters. Once he saw the caveman-like nature of Jana's PC for graphic design, he hopped on the bandwagon for her to get a new Mac G5 and a 23" monitor. I actually just received an e-mail after typing that sentence that the purchase was approved and it's on its way! How exciting... Anyway, it was a beneficial day and we learned a lot about what HQ has to offer us as a regional office. Unfortunately, with Jana leaving in June, there will be someone new here trying to pick up the pieces and take over for her - hopefully that transition will go smoothly for everyone. I may not even be here myself. It's interesting how my boss makes me feel guilty about leaving, like I'm breaking up the team, when Jana's all for my desire to explore, travel and try something new. It would've been nice if this gig had come later in my life, when I might be more mature, more settled, more desiring of a permanent place to dig in my heels. But I do need to move around a little and see some things before I do that. I just hope I have the opportunity. When I look at my mom's life and her missed chances to see the world, try new things, be her own person, etc., I fear that for myself. I wouldn't say all that if I knew she were happy where she was and with what she had, but I don't think that's the case. I wish it would be, but it's not. And I want to be happy; everyone deserves to be.

I've become a big decaf tea drinker the past several days. I'm hooked on the Republic of Tea Honeysuckle White, which is readily available in the office kitchen. I'm on the lookout for more options and was steered toward Panera (they sell RoT brand for less than Cost Plus World Market, apparently), Whole Foods and Trader Joe's (both givens) for more options, so I'll try to make it over to one of those places sometime soon. I could totally be a hot tea fanatic if given the right circumstances and motivation... I'm already in love with iced tea, after all. Yum!

I'm really dragging today from the sickness and spotty sleep last night. It seems like everyone's kind of tired though - maybe there's something in the air?

Crap. My brother just e-mailed and said it looks like the Dell specials are expiring today. I should get on the new laptop thing before the day's out. I don't know how I'm going to pay for it with such a small credit limit on my Discover card, but I'll figure it out. Have a good one, all.

who needs sleep? I do!

2008-02-25T14:10:00.000-06:00

I have now managed to get eight hours of sleep four nights in a row. I am utterly baffled by my success, and while I am still feeling somewhat downtrodden by sickness and malaise, I am feeling much less sick and much less fatigued than I think I would with the six hours a night I normally secure. In an effort to continue this chain of triumph, I am cutting caffeine from my menu. I shared a glass of Diet Pepsi and had a sip of coffee with Tod on Saturday, and I'm calling that my final fix for now. I had a caffeine-free Mug root beer last night and am about to start sipping some white tea, which I hope will soothe my throat and keep me mellow. I find, while I'm still longing to roll over and snooze for a few more hours in the morning, I am not a complete zombie from 8 to 11, so I think I can stay away from the cans o' energy.

Last night, Mandy picked me up and we went to the high school to take a walk. We ended up walking from there over to Washington, up/over to Park and all the way to Main St. We ventured to the Chocolate Café to see if they were open and had coffee (see? obsession! but it was cold out...), but they weren't, so we walked back along the railroad tracks, down A.D. Mayer and back down Freer. It was an impressive loop! After that bit of exercise, we immediately erased it with a cheddar-and-mozzarella-covered Domino's pizza, consumed while watching "The Holiday," which was just as cute the second time - how can you go wrong with sappy romance and a sweet old man?

I spent a little time today looking at laptops online, but I'm almost burned out on it already. There are too many conflicting opinions and even more options/accessories/add-ons for a nominal fee. Stop shoving the color-coordinated mice in my face already! I do not need one! I guess that's what you get when you browse the manufacturer's Web site though...

I'm really getting in the travel mood now. Especially with Jana (the graphic designer) talking about her six-week, cross-country excursion with her husband in June, I am longing to hit the road too. Colorado seems to be standing out as my destination of choice, but I know I'll have to wait until May, at least, and maybe even longer, depending on the employment situation. I also feel guilty doing anything fun/expensive while I'm still paying off my car, because my mom is helping me, but I'll have to wait 10 years for fun at that rate! I just can't imagine doing that. And with a handful of old friends marking a north-south line in CO, now seems like the perfect time to go.

Last night, Mandy and I were discussing having children. (I really can't come up with a way to phrase that that's not grammatically awkward or conveying the idea of us having children together. You know what I mean though.) I said, any time a woman says she doesn't want children, or doesn't plan to have any, people always ask why she's choosing that. But when someone says, "I'm havin' babies!," no one asks that question, unless she's dying or it would otherwise negatively affect her/their quality of life. So, what are the reasons for reproducing? I know there are women out there who say, "I just can't imagine my life without children," or, "I can't imagine not being a mom someday." That works for me. But does everyone else just think, "My parents had kids, so I should too"? It seems like an interesting question and something to ponder. From now on, I'm totally going to ask people, "Why?," when they say they want kids. Maybe it will throw the planet of its axis or something.

Off to check out my damp dwelling...

weekend

2008-02-24T14:10:00.000-06:00

I was hoping to be a bit more eloquent in this revamped journal, but today's post probably won't exceed a weekend recap, so you can lower your hopes whenever you're ready...

OK, let's commence. Friday evening was fun. I met Tod at Q16 at 4:30 to see "Spiderwick Chronicles," which was a decent movie, and I'm still pretty sure I would have chosen that over "Definitely, Maybe" most days. After the movie, we drove to Chelsea and had dinner at Chinese Tonite - delicious, as always. I spent the rest of the evening hanging out by myself at home, cleaning up a few things and watching random stuff on network TV. I'm pretty sure crappy game shows never will be my thing.

On Saturday, Tod came over after teaching and we went to Chelsea to take a walk and visit the shops. Honestly, despite growing up nearby and going to school there, I never went to half the places in town. And now most of them are long gone, replaced by art galleries, jewelry stores and weird eclectic shops. Tod bought me some replacement earrings at the Golden Apple, a little shop in perpetual 50%-off sale mode ever since the owner tried to go out of business and ended up making enough money to stay afloat. Now he plans to keep everything at half off until the market runs totally dry. My earrings are cute little turtles with opalescent shells - maybe I'll be able to get a picture on here sometime.

Aside from the jewelry store, we visited the Chelsea Market (stinky grocery mart), Mission Marketplace (free fair trade coffee, a Welsh springer puppy and funky African masks on the walls), the Chelsea Teddy Bear Company factory store, the Gourmet Chocolate Café, Middle Bead (beads, jewelry-making supplies and a lap dog with two broken legs) and Cleary's Pub. We actually went to the last place twice: once to chat with Craig (who had seen us pass by) and his mom, and the second time for a sweet potato fry snack. It was a fun little trip through town. I'd definitely do it again sometime, especially if that jewelry store stays in business, because there were several things there I would've bought for myself if I'd felt more like spending money.

Later in the evening, Tod and I made dinner for us, my mom and Archie. I baked a huge meatloaf and Tod helped with the redskin mashed potatoes and veggies. We got in a fight in the kitchen and I felt bad about it for the rest of the night, likely contributing to the dreams I had about Tod cheating on me (I have these dreams every other week or so; I don't enjoy it). Dinner turned out pretty great considering the stress I was having about it, and everyone seemed satisfied. Tod and I wrapped up the evening by watching "Stranger than Fiction" (I really like that movie) before he headed home for some rest.

I haven't done much today besides sleep in, talk to my brother on the phone and do some work for the second job, which I'm still doing now. My laptop is kaput, so I'm going to need to bring that up to my landlord as a possible liability of the flood, and my brother recommended a USB external hard drive case to try to rescue the data from my computer if it is truly dead. The only way to find out for sure is to get a new AC adapter, but I don't want to spend $100 on that if I can get this case for $15 and get all my stuff. I was planning to replace my computer soon anyway, and if I can get some compensation to go toward a new one, that'll be fine with me. My old one was on its last leg anyway.

All right, time to do a little more work before I shower. Ugh, noon. The day's almost over already...

who says you can't go home again?

2008-02-21T10:55:00.000-06:00

Why do I find it so comforting to awaken in my mother's house? Even when I've spent the evening fidgeting around on the hard futon, I still prefer that to waking up alone elsewhere. Perhaps it's just that it feels like a vacation right now, after only one night, and will lose its luster after two weeks homebound. The whole routine really makes me miss the wellness center; I wish I could coerce them into letting me use it while I'm in town. More flexible membership options would be nice too. I'm going on their Web site to see if I can leave comments...

There, that's done. Moving on. Tod's mom was kind enough to set a place for me at their table last night and we had a delicious breakfast for dinner: whole-wheat blueberry pancakes, scrambled eggs with bacon and scallions, ham and fruit cups with whipped cream. I was so tired from the night before, and had been sustaining myself on Wendy's chicken nuggets and a baked potato all day, so I scarfed it down without a second thought. Bev said I made her day by coming for dinner, since she had had kind of a crappy one to that point, because of work drama. I hope that resolves itself soon; I hate to see/hear her upset about the jerks at the retirement home.

The eclipse last night was lovely. I wish I had had some binoculars to see it better, but even stepping outside to move my car at 10 p.m. allowed me a great view. Archie (mom's fiancée) was all excited about it, but both of them were sound asleep on the couch come 9 o'clock, and barely stirred when I wandered in to say goodnight. I was asleep before they relocated to their bedroom. Early bedtimes are wonderful. =)

I feel more relaxed being back at home too. I was pondering my plans for the next couple days and considered vacuuming my car, taking a bath, having Tod over to watch a movie, finishing the last few hours of STN work for the week, organizing all the stuff I brought home and doing laundry. Nothing seems urgent and I am not stressed in the least about any of it. I probably would be if I were still out in the scary world. I definitely would be if I were trying to live in my rainforest-like apartment. The only downside: I had to scrape my car this morning and drive a half-hour to work on the expressway. I didn't miss that at all.

On a less buoyant note, I think I'm getting sick again. My throat started feeling scratchy at Tod's last night, which doesn't surprise me after all that late-night gallivanting, but it definitely doesn't make me happy. My goal is to go to bed early the next couple nights and keep my activity to a minimum. I've been swilling OJ (or at least drinking it twice a day) and bundling up outside. The pox are fading, which gives me hope, but Tod claims to have had one on his arm the other day, which totally freaks me out. What are they? I hope the spread ends there. Senior citizens and babies, stay away!

I have to follow up on a random bill from the insurance company today, as well as my 1-800-Contacts order, which has been pending for the past two weeks because of my eye doctor's stubbornness. I will not pay $30/box for your contacts, lady! Let me have my clearance lenses! And on that note, have a great day all.

generosity and type B

2008-02-20T17:25:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I fail to notice the generosity of the people around me. Even the smallest things are laced with kindness when I least expect it, and for that I am so thankful. This short list has come about in the past 24 hours and it amazes me that so little need be said or done to make the sun shine more brightly:

Steve at the Sheraton: Gave me a $25 discount on a premium executive room and wouldn't accept a $10 tip, "Because [I'd] need to get breakfast in the morning without a kitchen."

Nina: Invited me over for dinner, bought a bunch of expensive ingredients and made awesome lasagna for us. She shared her wine and helped clean up the ridiculous mess I made when dropping my plate in the dining room. She kept saying how glad she was that I could come over and share a meal with her.

Brian: Offered to let me store stuff in his garage and/or chest freezer, if I needed space.

Warren: Offered to pay for me to stay at the Holiday Inn down the street if I didn't have any other place to go - apparently it's a lot cheaper than the Sheraton!

Upstairs neighbor: Offered any help I needed to pack things up and move them out.

Next door neighbors (Steve and Sara): Let me store food in their freezer and came squishing over to offer condolences and helping hands, if needed.

Kim: A friend of my mom's who happens to be a carpenter extraordinaire. He came over to my apartment and offered some guidance as to watching for mold and making sure everything's squared away before I move back in.

Tod: Is going to let me store food in his chest freezer until everything's back to normal. And he took my library book back for me. =) And he's my boyfriend.

Carla: Called me back this morning to check in after having received my late-night voicemail.

Bud: Has been hanging out at my place most of the day and is fixing the pipe in my kitchen. He also expressed deep condolences and we joked about my ability to stay cool last night, despite the crazy goings-on.

Kurt: Fielded a random, rambling phone call from me when I was en route to the disaster scene. I'm pretty sure I woke him up.

Mike: Fielded an equally random, rambling e-mail from me at 12:30 a.m., because he had made the mistake of responding to something else I'd written.

Officemates: Have been dealing with a fridge and freezer full of my groceries all day.

Mom: Is going to be putting me up during this ordeal. I'm glad she loves me as much as she does.

The list goes on, of course, and doesn't even touch on the other wonderful people in my life, and those who would have superseded these people's efforts had they known about the incident. But even this brief inventory gives me great pause, because I would like nothing more than to be this generous on a regular basis. Perhaps I'm just not given the chance to be, because no one ever seems to need anything, but would I rise to the occasion if given the opportunity? I hope so.

Second topic: The point of all this. While I do not cling wholeheartedly to the idea of the universe or God communicating with me, I know there is a lesson to be learned from this situation. It started last night, when I showed up on the flood scene slightly buzzed, but fully aware of the chaos. Somehow I managed to joke with myself and keep moving, packing up box after box and bag after bag, making trips to the car in my high heels. Bud said today, "You just don't want to walk into a situation like that. I didn't know what to say to you last night, so I just stepped back, offered my help and let you do your thing." I laughed and said I was proud of myself, since I'm usually such an anxious person. If I had had a shoulder to cry on, I would have. But since it was just me and all my damp belongings, I took action and did what I had to do. I even came up with the post title of "soggy tragedy" while I was sloshing through my bedroom.

So, what is the purpose of the flood? It's one of a few possibilities, really. One is that I'm very concerned about my "stuff," when I probably shouldn't be. This situation forces me to look at it all and say, "It could be worse. I'll just throw these pillows away. I don't need these pictures anymore," rather than tearing up every time I find another damp article or can't salvage something. Maybe this will get harder if someone says, "The couch has to go," but hopefully that won't be the case. Two, I'm learning to be more easygoing in general. It all started over the weekend, when I was forced into a fun situation after a stressful drive through GR and a fire alarm fiasco. Although it took several rum and Cokes to make it happen, it happened. And that continued into the days that followed, through the staff meeting and into the remainder of the week. I find I've been talking with people in a more casual manner, less nervous and scared and twitchy about saying something stupid or "wrong." If this continues, I will be happy. If it doesn't, perhaps I will have gained some new perspective, if nothing else.

I love learning lessons. I hope this situation continues to roll on smoothly. At this point, the furniture is staying and my carload of belongings is going to my mom's with me. I'll be staying there until everything is settled back at the apartment, estimated at 2-3 weeks right now. I may have new carpet when I get back! And I will have a new kitchen floor. No more warm spot though...

soggy tragedy

2008-02-20T08:37:00.000-06:00

I know most everyone is squeamish about the idea of walking in on their parents having sex, but I'm pretty sure I would have preferred that to what I walked in on last night: an apartment soaked with water from one end to the other.

I decided to be sociable and have dinner with Nina last night, chucking my plans for making a fancy salad and a smoothie and working all night. However, after some tasty zucchini, lasagna, garlic toast and red wine, our viewing of "I ♥ Huckabees" got cut short by a call from my landlord. On vacation in Tucson, he received a phone call from my neighbor Steve, who found water in the hallway - origin: my apartment. Bob (landlord) told me George (handyman) was on his way over, so I headed that way, too, and found myself in a much more serious situation than I had thought.

When I heard Steve had found water in the hallway, I figured a bit of a puddle right outside my door. No such luck. The "puddle" stretched down the hall toward the outside doors, as well as across our little nook and down the front hall of their apartment. No idea what happened on the other side of my unit, but hopefully not much. Every single bit of my carpet was soaked and even the parts that appeared dry were left with dark, soggy shoe prints after I walked through. I spent just over 2 hours packing up everything I could, after hearing the "disaster team" coming to vacuum up the water also would be cutting out all my carpet. I piled things in my car, including all my bedding, some clothes, items off bookshelves and everything I wanted to save from my fridge and freezer (they had to unplug them). My neighbors took a bit of my frozen food, but the rest is stored here at the office, after a 12:30 trip in and a quick apology e-mail for taking up so much space.

At 1, I was in desperate need of a place to sleep. I had made a call to one person at midnight, but that was my last contact with the outside world and I didn't want to wake anyone, so I went over to the Four Points Sheraton, where DU hosts its annual staff meeting. Bob had told me the insurance money from the incident (on the condo's tab, not his, because it's a sub-foundation issue) would cover my hotel expenses, so I hope that will be the case. However, the front desk agent at the Sheraton was very kind, giving me their last room for $99, instead of the standard $125. I'm planning to write a letter of gratitude later today. The room was very nice and the bed was exquisite - I only wish I could've spent a few more hours in it. I'm dragging today. Twenty trips back and forth to my car while wearing pointy dress shoes and slacks probably didn't help either. I'm just glad my shoes dried.

I'm going to head back over to my apartment at lunchtime to assess the damage and cleanup progress. I don't know if I'll be back there tonight, and kind of don't imagine I will, but at least it won't be a middle-of-the-night scramble and I can just stay at my mom's. Oh, what an evening. And I thought breaking a dinner plate at Nina's would be the worst moment...

new leaf?

2008-02-19T15:55:00.000-06:00

If you're reading this, you probably got here from there. I've been starting and abandoning blogs for as long as I can remember and I always think blogger (or similar) will make me feel more professional and capable than livejournal. I'm not sure that's true, and I'm not sure if this attempt will be any more successful than the others, but I'm giving it a go. I'm going to post in both places for a period of time, until I figure out if blogger has too many shortcomings for me, before changing over completely. I hate to leave my lj friends behind, and they'll be my top "blogs" link to the right, but I feel like this will give me more freedom. Will it? We'll see. Some steps forward come with hesitation.

Edit: For clarification, my middle name is Autumne (yes, with an "e" on the end), so I thought this a fitting title for my blog. I really wanted to start going by Autumne when I went to college, but when I realized I was living down the hall from my best friend, I figured that effort would be futile. I still dream about it sometimes, but I think it's a little late now...

set apart for you

2008-02-19T14:05:00.000-06:00

Man, my right armpit stinks right now. With the pox in there, I worry about putting on too much deodorant. Apparently I didn't use enough today.

I wonder what will happen with St. Patrick's Day this year. For some reason, I was behind the times in finding out the Catholics will be celebrating on the 15th because the 17th coincides with the Holy Week. That doesn't mean everyone has to shift to the 15th, but will they? Or will they all just get wasted both days? Most college kids will, I know, but what about the rest of us? The 17th is Tod's and my chosen anniversary (we don't actually know when the official dating decree was made, so we use that first day of romance as the mark), so we'll need to celebrate 1 year somehow. Very exciting!

I was talking with one of the GIS interns at work today because I'd heard he was a two-jobber too. Apparently he has it even worse than I do, with 70+ hours of work per week, between DU and Scorekeepers in downtown AA. When he first moved here, he was pulling 80! I can't even imagine... Then I found out he's paying almost $900 for rent, so that insanity can't allow for any less, but sheesh! Self-inflicted torture that makes me wonder even more why: 1) I can't handle two jobs, and 2) I even have the other one, when I don't need it.

I was fortunate enough last night to get a visit from Tod after his first shift on the YDL bookmobile. It sounded pretty neat and I was glad to hear he liked it all right. I hope that continues to be the case. =)

The pox are still spreading a bit, but they're not itchy and not showing signs of worsening, so I don't know what to think. I wish I could conjure up some new soap or product I've been using lately that I wasn't before, but I can't think of a thing. Maybe my body developed some brand-new allergic reaction at random, but I'm not sure how likely that is. Hmm. Will continue to watch and wait. I fear bugs...

I have 9 boxes of instant mashed potatoes in my pantry. Who wants to have a mashed potato party? I'm totally considering it, especially if more than half of the boxes remain in May - I don't want to move that many boxes of potatoes! I'm such a dork about bargain shopping...

My hope for tonight is a nice little workout when I get home, then making dinner (chicken strips on a salad, maybe a fruit/juice/yogurt smoothie if my blender doesn't explode) and working for a while. My thighs are getting bigger every day and it's freaking me out. I wish the CCHHWC were closer... =(

perspective

2008-02-18T18:35:00.000-06:00

I just realized how hard it is for me to imagine "true happiness." I know everyone gets sad from time to time, but to have a personality that experiences sadness when someone dies or you are broken up with, rather than crying every time you forget to do something or get a gyro with tomatoes and onions on it when you asked for it without... I am that freakish. Ask Tod. It happened on Saturday. =\

Anyway, I overheard the receptionist mention depression the other day, so I e-mailed her to ask if she sees someone about it. Apparently her internist put her on meds recently to help with that and the hot flashes she's experienced with menopause, but no psychiatric treatment. She told me about some fliers in the exec asst's office, so I think I will go searching for those after 5. She said she's taken two but never called. Hopefully I'll be more successful...

Also, it's funny how I can give solid advice to other people to help them through tough situations and indecision, but I can't fix myself. Oh, the mind; it astounds me.

plague

2008-02-18T16:55:00.000-06:00

Herp test came back negative, but that doesn't mean much at this point, since the sample was taken so late in the "outbreak" (if that's what it was). However, since seeing the gum specialist, I have developed a spread of what looks like chickenpox on my abdomen, butt, legs and arms. It's not very concentrated, but it's noticeable, and I'm seeing movement up my chest and into my face a little bit. I had the pox as a kid, but they say if your experience with it was mild, it can recur, especially if you have a shaky immune system, which I'm pretty sure I do. Early death, here I come!

Anyway, the itching is mild at worst, so I just don't know what to think at this point. My two theories are chickenpox and scabies. I just hope, if it is the former, it doesn't turn into shingles - I am not a 70-year-old woman yet! I have dealt with bedbugs before, so the concept of scabies makes me dizzy with annoyance and disgust. I really hope I'm not infested with mites again. I am not a dirty person, I promise! I'm just prone to infestations...

I went home today for a short nap. I hate that I am simultaneously sedentary and disease ridden - I can't tell which is filling me with malaise - and I need to snap out of it. It's been really tough lately. I am in the deepest throes of SAD and I can't seem to crawl out for air. =( Help?

This weekend was decent. I got to see Tod on Saturday, which was a much-needed respite from the rest of my life. We watched "Across the Universe" and he went grocery shopping with me. Sunday, I went grocery shopping again (Meijer sales and my stupid need to follow them...), did a little laundry, went to church with NH (from work) and visited my mom in the afternoon. Later that night, the plan was to hang with M1 for a bit and then meet up with C for pool at some bowling alley, but it didn't end up happening. Hopefully C was not accosted by a Mexican behind a Dumpster; I have not received word to the contrary. M1 and I chatted about days past, dozed while watching "American Gladiators" and then she headed home at 10. I actually got a decent amount of sleep, which made it utterly baffling when I was exhausted come 11 a.m. =\ I really hate feeling like this.

I'm double dutying on work right now. I like when my boss goes out of town so I can do this without feeling as guilty and/or being as paranoid. Also, it seems two of the few people who can recognize the screen for job #2 are out of the office, so that makes the circumstances ideal. I wish I had started earlier!

Another thing I wish... that Grand Rapids was closer. Everyone has busy schedules, but I would love to be able to get together for lunch with the GR girls. I know eventually I'll have enough overtime built up to take a day off, so hopefully that'll be on the agenda. We'll see. I would love to be going up there for a weekend with Tod and be able to split off to hang with them for a bit on Friday or something. I hate that, when we go, I feel like we have to be quick about everything. Not that anyone makes us feel like an imposition, but I feel like one anyway and don't want to overstay our welcome by being there more than just the one pertinent night (for a party, etc.). It would be awesome if I could win a night at the Amway Grand or something, so everyone could come chill in our awesome room. (Not that I've ever been there, but I bet it's pretty sweet.)

ANYway, enough of that. Back to work!